Friday, February 24, 2006

Another Wonderful Moment to Watch

This may be the feel-good moment of the year. You must check this out.


...From http://www.cbsnewyork.com
To see the video for yourself go to:
http://wcbs.dayport.com/launcher/85203/?tf=video_player.tpl&Category_ID=5


NOTE: If you have a pop-up blocker turned on, then go to the top link and scroll down just a little to the "Most Popular" Videos; it's #1

A treat for your Eyes & Ears

I have never seen anything like this! Turn up you speakers, sit back, and enjoy...

Chris Bliss

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Partial Sanity's a Bitch

You won't believe this story...but I SWEAR it's true.
~~~~~~for background, see the Conglutdemuck series (here's the list).

Joel & I were in Albuquerque yesterday for Joel's heart doc checkup (she's Great!) and so had to eat away from home.
For me, that means Restaurants!! Hooray-hooray! I'm thinking 'exotic' or, at least a restaurant we don't have in Ruidoso - easy, huh? And I'm thinking...what's it going to taste like, feel like, smell like, and how do I stretch it out to a couple of hours and some nice wine, ...right? And I'm thinking about this mucho for several days before we go. Not obsessing, mind you, just 'thinking'...24/7

...and I didn't have the guts to say, Hey, Joel! I'll watch you eat at the salad bar, if you'll watch me eat at the... Macaroni Grill, Chili's, Orchid Thai, Red Lobster.... hey, come on, I'm flexible here. ...!

Well, we DID have E. Indian food at lunch. It was wonderful. We'd talked about that one. It's fresh and wonderful and spicy and we both love it. Did I say it was wonderful?
Then Sue told us about the Cold Stone Creamery who sells a wonderful product known as 'Sinless' that is truly wonderful and won't wreck your food plan. So that rings all of Joel's old bells.

We were doing great until things started going the way they do with doctors and medical staffs. This thing takes a little longer then that one takes a little longer and......
We totally forgot one thing and then it was almost 5:00 and I'm thinking...boy, if we get ice cream NOW, Joel won't even WANT any dinner and then what the f%#& do I do??

A compromise and a poor choice results in anything BUT the dinner I had in mind.

Now, here comes the good part.
We're at breakfast the next morning and we are having eggs and toast. My 'binge' includes bacon. Joel orders scrambled, I order over medium. (I'm picky about it.)
When they come, both orders are scrambled. My very least favorite egg.
I did my regular MO: say thanks, then pick up the ticket to see what the server wrote. (meanwhile she gets away, thinking all is well.) She wrote OM.
Now, I 'should' send them back. Not only do I not like scrambled eggs, I can prove the mistake is not mine. (You ARE picking up on how 'nuts' this is, aren't you...well, the best is yet to come!)

If I do send them back, then we eat seperately, or Joel eats cold food...
anyway...

In a few minutes, I start clouding up and tears come to my eyes and I say,
"When we get to Lubbock, I think I am going to have to join Overeaters Anonymous; I am having an out-of-proportion reaction to my eggs." At which time, I start to cry (quietly) in the restaurant... God, I'm losing it.

A minute later, I swear, not longer, I look up and smile, and say to Joel, "it's hard to be partly sane".
At which point, we burst out laughing. I mean really.
Am I losing it?

or maybe i'm getting it...

Monday, February 20, 2006

Ildowen and the Now

What I'm finding...
.............(the me that sits off to the side and smiles at all this angst)
is that, for me, it's about walking the talk. I keep saying over and over, Be Here Now.
And when I remember that and pull myself into Now.

I can feel my inner child, Vickie, screaming as she senses that I, Omnicrone, am approaching a time when I really am in the Now AND have the spirit to make the right choice for myself. She's the scared one. No more self-indulgence, and, omg, what if there's No Cheese!?

My problem is that I don't know how to mother her thru this. (Without the food she craves.) I don't have a good track record in keeping promises to myself about self-care/nurturing.

I'll be looking for a talisman for that, too

Thanks for being out there.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

OMG, There's another one!

Meet Ildowen.

Seems I've known her for years, but we were formally introduced only last night.
Ildowen, short for I'll do it when (fill in the blank).

I'll bet you know her, too.

I'll do it when -
...the check gets here
...I finish this book
...I've lost 20 pounds (100 pounds, whatever)
...we've finished the move
...Joel's at 100%
...I get the time
...the sky turns green

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Granny Went

Ouch. Anne Abernathy, Grandma Luge, broke her wrist in a trial run on Sunday and had to withdraw from competition. I'm really sorry I didn't see her compete.
Check out her story of the crash here.

We watched several crashes on that course, too bad she was one of them.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Go Grandma!

Talk about finding your passion!
and, in the meantime, blowing up a few myths about aging, and women, and sports.

Check out Grandma Luge!
and for some tales of what's happening, check out her blog.

I think women's luge is scheduled for Monday and Tuesday - THIS week. And NBC has/is doing a specialty piece on her. Air time for this is totally unknown, but...

Now,
what shall we conquer this year, you & I?

Moving, Part 2 - Going Home Again...?

No, I think not.

I'm stereotypically Cancer, don't you know. Home is the place where I have built my nest and feel safe. That will happen in Lubbock when enough 'stuff' has been done. But it won't be 'home' in that going-back-to-it sense. Lubbock was home, in the sense that I could say I grew up there - got older there, actually.
I 'grew up' in Ruidoso; meaning that I continued the education started in college about who I am, what I value, etc. (And just so you know, the real education that I got during my college years had NOTHING to do with academics.)

Lubbock was home to some degree while my Mom was alive. And it is the home of my sister and my brother, and of all my aunts and uncles. But it's not HOME.

Most of that change happened when I 'came out'. (I really need to do a blogtrail on that subject, just for the record.)
You see, my family of origin is (mostly) Christian (more or less) fundamentalists. They are always polite, but only one or two have answered emails and only one aunt and my brother & sis have sought me out in the years since they discovered I am lesbian.
Sweet civility, but not Family.

Additionally, most of them are of a different political persuasion. We're just different nuts from the same tree. We do share many values. And much of what I am proud of myself for comes from those roots. So, yes, it's all family and still somehow not family. And it certainly won't be Home until I make it so.

Lubbock is familiar. And I like that.
It's laid out in a logical way: N/S & E/W - easy to find your way around even in most of the newer areas.
There is not much ethnic diversity and that's a shame...but I just can't see myself tackling a place like Chicago or LA at this stage in my life. And Lubbock DOES have 2 Thai restaurants and 1 really good Indian (east) one, and that's way ahead of Ruidoso.

There is also a community theater and a repertory company, plus all the stuff offered to the community by a BIG university.

And there are wide horizons and amazing sunsets!!! (There's one of Lbk in the 4th row.) It's flat. I never thought that would be a selling point. I used to gripe about that... :)

The economy is very stable and the medical options and facilities are top rate.

And I can get a brick, site-built house with 3/4 bedrooms, 2-car attached garage, a basement (for the tornadoes), plus fenced yard for the same money that I can sell my 'manufactured' home in Ruidoso!!! Just amazing!

Enough of this for now.....
It still seems like the right thing and I'm excited about a new house - a REAL house!

Saturday, February 11, 2006

What's New, You Ask...?

We're going to move-relocate-get the heck out of Dodge.

You may or may not know that we've been thinking of moving for a long time. We fell in love with Florida, for one thing, and Ruidoso just keeps getting crazier, and the weather is dryer each year, and the tourists thicker (?) and more abundant...

But where shall we go?

We've searched the net; researched various areas in Florida; hunted for rivers or lakes; cussed and discussed many parts of the country and a few other countries. What to do, what to do...?

Well, the decision has been made. And if you had asked me a few years ago, I'd have said, "No, not in a million years".
I'm going back to Lubbock, Texas. The very bottom of the Texas panhandle. OMG, I'll be a Texan again!

Several things decided us:
  • Joel breathes SO much better at a lower altitude.
  • No tourists
  • A BIG university - Texas Tech
  • A wonderful medical center - the Tech Med school - HIGHLY respected
  • Tai Chi and Yoga out the a...wazoo
  • My sister and brother and their families
  • BIG ONE - How far our money will go in that economy v. this one, especially in housing
  • Thai and Indian restaurants right in town
  • Horizons - took me a long time to miss them, but now I long for the long view.

As for the tornadoes...we'll get a basement!
We'll be talking about this a lot more as we progress, but we are already talking to realtors there and here.

TTFN - off to lunch and the pairs competition from Torino

Breathing room... Conglutdemuck, Pt 4

Ok
Thanks for hanging with me.
The huge dragon that has been sitting on my chest shifted a little and then gave her space to a much smaller cousin. I'm breathing better now.

The dragon is still hanging about, but I've wounded her (and honored her) and we have retired to our respective corners for the time being.

Positive steps that are underway include getting serious (again) about my food supplements (Shaklee, of course...) and paying real attention to how my body feels (as opposed ((and in addition) to my mind)). Don't get me wrong; I am NOT taking the weight loss products. This is not about my weight - or at least not directily. This is about what feeds me, comforts me, fills me on many more levels than just groceries.

I've also talked about all this with Joel and with a good friend who battles a similar dragon. Sharing these feelings is a good thing! And having two good sets of ears right here with me has proven to be a huge help. I don't think I could have gotten to this point, though, without you sisters out here in blogland listening and standing for me first. Thanks a bunch.

We're excited about a new project, too and I think that is helping....
I'll talk about that in a different post.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

The Good News on Joel's Recovery

We're still working on the IV's and will be doing so until a week from Thursday, but I am thrilled to see that Joel has made remarkable strides in her recovery. The IV's are about an infection in one of the wound sites that is being well-handled by the antibiotics, and she has added optiflora and yogurts back to her diet so the drugs shouldn't be too problematical.

She's a little more that 6 weeks past the heart surgery. The site is healing well. Breast bone area still a little tender, but not more than should be. The worst parts for her were all the troubles she had with her left lung. It collapsed twice during recovery from the initial surgery, and once again after we were home. The second time necessitated a second set of chest tubes and, when those failed to do the job, a second surgical procedure. Right after getting home from that, the infection developed.

So we've had our share of stress in the last couple of months. Happily though, Joel is doing beautifully. She's logging time on the treadmill and beginning to cut back on the oxygen. Her energy is up about 150% and she's almost stopped the pain meds. Things are looking so good for her, now.

Thanks for all your prayers and support during these weeks. We really appreciate it! :)

the mired-in-the-muck part - C. Part 3

Sisters, I'm one sick, sick puppy. I am so in the middle of the addiction I can hardly talk about it...and it is so hard right now to get to the computer. IVs three times a day and work for the shelter and trying to put in some time for my care - I use the word 'trying' in its connotation of failure - as in 'she tried to throw the ball but it never left her hand'.

The thing to say right now is that, while your suggestions are good (maybe even great), I'm in a whole other place about food right now. The best I can say (or maybe the worst I can say) is that it is never out of my mind.

Thanks for being out there....gotta go, again.....
.........................................not screaming today, just crying..

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Conglutdemuck, Part 2

Well, it's SuperBowl Sunday, and the football game is going on in the den. 'We' cheer for the Seahawks in this household, although that is strictly by default. Our REAL team is da BEARS!!!

I am in the studio - with figure skating on. It's the boys, though, and I don't get into them, if you know what I mean...besides, they are blowing off all their plans - making triples into doubles and doubles into falls. Poor babies...

Since I've started this dragon discussion with you...I find that she's on my mind in different ways as a result. I don't want you to have false expectations or ideas. I am in the middle of mental angst, not in the middle of an actual food plan. I'm still mired in the difficulties of trying to satisfy my addiction, while taking care of Joel. You see, I....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
don't know where that was going...I started on Sunday, but just couldn't keep my head together on the subject.

Joel's being an angel. She's not scolding or preaching, just hanging in there as a good model and waiting for me to get it together.

Here's the thing - or one of the things: There is a real feeling of panic about food. And I don't seem to be able to count some of what I eat as actual intake. I know that doesn't make sense, but what I mean is this: if I want chili con queso and chips but I eat an apple, it's as if I didn't eat at all. I still feel the need...
OMG it looks like madness when I type it here !!! :(

I find that I fix a nice meal for us, then I may actually eat twice, because what I've prepared for Joel (the healthy choices) doesn't feed that part of me that is doing all this eating. And if I eat with her, maybe she won't know that I'm doing that 'other' eating.
Of course, I'm telling her most of the time - or some of the time.

I can look back on those parts of my life that I remember and see clearly where this love/hate thing with food has its roots. Every event of significance was celebrated with food. If I skinned my knee a cookie would make it better. Oh, you like the pie, then please have another piece.
All this to be followed by, No, you can't buy that dress; those stripes just make you look fatter. or stick with black, navy, and dark green or brown; you'll look thinner. or if you lose 25 lbs. I'll buy you some new clothes.
I was in my late 40's before I ever owned anything red!

I spent my middle school and high school years believing that I was fat and ugly. You ought to see the actual pictures. Not only was I NOT ugly, I was actually attractive! I don't know how to judge the 'fat' content of those pictures, but they certainly don't show me to be the 5' by 5' monster that I felt myself to be.
So it was 'feel better with food', but 'don't eat it because you're already too fat'.

I never got to the binge & purge thing. But I have a history of hiding food. of fasting then feasting. For years I tried diet after diet without any lasting success. And I came to learn that dieting was not only not working, but downright unhealthy. I decided that I had already been on the last one - no more diets. Just eat sensibly - yeah, right!

So here we are today.
It's been a good day for me so far. Not because any plan is working; just because the day has been busy and there hasn't been time for all the gustatory intrigue.

I appreciate your suggestions. I may get to some of them. With many there is such a sense of 'been there, done that'... The Dahn exercises may prove to be of help...but I can't go there just at the moment.

I haven't adjusted to the IV schedule well, and I seem to be playing catch up with the shelter projects, and spinning my wheels on the taxes...just borderline depressed and VERY tired. I need a lap, and a nap, and a map - in that order.

~
~
~
And the answer will appear when I'm ready for it
.........................................won't it?


I just read this through in preview mode and get the feeling that this post is mostly just rattling my teeth to keep from actually saying anything. I'm going to let it stand, partly because it's the truth as I understand it, and partly because...

Saturday, February 04, 2006

My Favorite Pet Dragon - Conglutdemuck

Well, folks many, many interesting things have been running thru my head (and heart) during these weeks lost in the limbo of hospitals and home care. There will be much work done here in the days and weeks to come.

The biggest, baddest, (and yes, the dear love of my life) is a dragon that comforts me even while she tries to kill me. Her name is Conglutdemuck. I'm beginning to see her in new ways, though we have battled for years - decades...my Mom introduced me to her ... with the best of intentions, of course!

Some of you may remember the first mention of this particular dragon in a previous post.
I'm still mucho afraid of attacking this baby!

During Joel's hospital stay, we got some really clear pictures of the impact of too much weight on our health. (Not that we didn't already know it; it was just so much clearer in some of the procedures Joel had to go thru as a result).
Joel has stepped up beautifully to the truth she was seeing and has lost 35 pounds since mid-December.
(Yes, I know some of that was drug-created weight, and she had no appetite for a couple of weeks....)
But when that woman makes a decision, she brings great strength of will and great followthrough. She is doing a stupendous job of dealing with her food stuff. I, frankly, don't know how she does it! I can only guess that our food habits are rooted in very different things.
Her answer to the issues spotlighted by her heart & surgical problems was/is to completely change her eating habits - I mean COMPLETELY.

My answer to the stresses of the same weeks (different point of view) was to eat - to 'treat' (or more correctly to 'medicate') myself with food. I'd somehow 'earned' it. I was stressed out! I worked hard and didn't sleep well! I needed a BREAK, for crying out loud!!!

My 'stuff' about food is clearly (ouch!) an addiction...and a very active one, at that. If it were alcohol or drugs, I'd be prime candidate for an intervention. As it is, I'm prime candidate for heart problems of my own.
......................ahhh, the maddness...............

(I can't tell you how difficult this is to talk about here. But I guess it's down & dirty time. )

So, I shop carefully and cook great meals for us: quinoa is our new favorite protein. Then I eat the candied cashews in the car or downstairs in the office where Joel can't easily go, yet...

And it feels nasty and shameful and I lose touch with anything remotely resembling self-esteem when I think about how I'm handling myself and this addiction.
I know I can't/won't fully manifest all that I can be until I kill this dragon.
And I go kicking and screaming and crying to the battlefield.


And I Will Go....
..........albeit slowly.........
....................fearfully.................
...........................shamefully..................

After all, I really good at doing things scared and you can't really see me (even though I'm going to let it all hang out).

Friday, February 03, 2006

you won't believe it, but I swear it's true...

We have been back to Albuquerque to THE FRIGGIN' HOSPITAL AGAIN!!!
A day and a half after we got home the last time, Joel developed a bacterial infection in one of the wound sites. Details will probably NOT follow...just letting you know where I've been AGAIN.
Were told it would be an overnight trip - NO, it was three nights and four days.

We got back home last night and now are doing IV antibiotics every 8 hours.

And now I will have to miss the massage that was scheduled for 1:00 (and for which I have been waiting a long time) because the next IV is at 2:00...and I could just cry.

Later team...thanks for checking up on me.