KateThoughts

Old Blog - redirecting- the FOLLOW Conversation

2010-08-21T17:43:00.002-06:00

I LOVE to find comments on my blog posts. I am TRULY delighted when conversations begin, and when commenting leads to virtual relationships and shared things: ideas, laughs, dreams, troubles, and trials.

My current angst (if I may give it such a grand name) is with the widgets and links that cause/allow following. First, I find that there are many ways: Google Reader, Blogger widgets, and all of those things with 'feed' in their titles like Feedburner and Feedblitz, etc.

the rest of this may be more than you care to know, but it clarifies things for me...

I've recently learned that where you sign up determines what gets linked; not necessarily the info you insert into available fields.

Here's what I think I now know:
If the URL of a blog or photo-stream or 'whatever' that you want to read on a regular basis has a little orange square w/two white curves and a white dot in it, you can follow it. But HOW you choose to do so determines what stuff of yours gets linked to the blogs you would then be following.

I blog on TypePad. I've been following several blogs. I use Google Reader, and I found THAT (if memory serves) on a Mozilla homepage. Doesn't matter, it's easy to find: just Google it. : )
(I would make this link 'hot' for you, but, since I am signed in to Google, I only get my own version of the reader.)
Near the top of the GR, just under the heading is an 'Add' field marked by a blue rectangle with white cross or plus sign. I just click there, then copy & paste the URL of the blog or feed or photo-stream I want to 'follow'. It works like a little charm. And is how I have been following my favorite bloggers, including you.

If you use Blogger.com and follow your friends thru the Blogger site, you will find yourself on the Blogger dashboard in a place called Reading List. In the bottom right of that field is a hot link that says, "view in Google Reader". Yes, the very SAME Google Reader.

That is the place to go, I think, to 'follow' those folks who won't load a Follow Button or who, like me, have very old defunct blogs (0n Blogger), but now post on other services. Like me.

So, very briefly, I put up a follow widget on my TypePad blog. Google 'sneaked' in somehow, and linked that widget to my old - no longer active Blogger blog of the same name: Katethoughts. and a few of you have tried to use it. You've ended up in 2008, hearing a voice that once was mine and still bears a strong resemblance to my current voice. I'm just a couple of years down the road from there. One of you even ended up on Omnicrone Speaks. How surprised you must have been. That sort of stuff is a category on this blog, but I don't post specifically to it very often.

And those of you (four) who can now see my avatar among their newest followers are being shunted to a blog that will never have a new post. Feel free to read there if you wish. I left it there because you can never really delete anything on the 'www', and because my big E ego thinks all that rambling might have value - if only to me.

I'm going to copy this post over there on Blogger if I can figure out how to do so, and I will post the link to my current blog - THIS one. I guess that means there will be ONE new post. : >)

I hope I haven't made you too crazy; I hope you find me; I hope you keep reading and commenting. There just won't be a widget or a little place to see your Avatar on this blog. When/if I figure out something else, I'll let you know.

ttfn

Hey, I've moved!

2008-09-23T16:26:00.002-06:00

I've been posting over at Typepad for a long time, now, but I see that this old version still comes up in some Google lists.
If you're still interested, you can find me over there.
http://omnicrone1.typepad.com/katethoughts/
See ya.

Well...The 'House' Move's not happening...

2006-08-27T15:38:00.000-06:00

But the Blog move is.

I'm experimenting (and so far happy with) Typepad. For a few days, I'll be moving these posts over there.

The new one is still KateThoughts but at this address.

I'll play with both while I'm working this out. I hope you'll subscribe to both for awhile. :)
I'll let you know when/if I take this one down.

ttfn

Yum-O!!!

2006-08-26T22:15:00.000-06:00

Chocolate Cake!

equal parts Frangelico and vodka in a shooter
followed immediately by a sugared lemon wedge!!!

Can't explain the chemistry of that combination, but your mouth will think it's chocolate cake.
I s#%* thee not!

Personal Responsibility - Where Has It Gone?

2006-08-26T17:16:00.000-06:00

In the news recently...

This was about ringing cell phones in a courtroom gallery and no one (all adults) willing to say, "It was me, Judge, I apologize".

Wonder if they've learned anything. Wonder if they have kids.

The Funniest Thing I've Read in Ages

2006-08-25T16:55:00.000-06:00

Why Females Should Avoid a 'Girls Night Out' After They are Married!

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls".
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise"!

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 am, a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed...
3 cuckoos + 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos...MIDNIGHT!

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him, "midnight".

He didn't seem mad at all.
Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock".

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times,
then said, "oh, shit",
cuckooed 4 more times,
cleared its throat,
cuckooed another 3 times,
giggled,
cuckooed twice more,
and then tripped over the coffee table and farted".

I'm laughing out loud really! I got this in an email from a friend...a married girlfriend.
I tried to find the source for you, and to give credit where it's due; but, when I 'googled' it, I found it everywhere with no one taking or giving credit. So here it is. Enjoy! :>))

Feast or Famine - Literally

2006-08-24T12:46:00.000-06:00

Remember the post about the closing of the forest? Well, it's open now. We've had rain.
I mean RAIN!

The data I've found so far shows that all of this year's rainfall (every day) is setting records. If I'm reading it correctly, one map on Wunderground proves that. Last year's rainfall doesn't even show for most days because there wasn't any.

This year the state is experiencing flooding in places that haven't seen water in years. People are being driven from homes in low-lying areas, entire villages were temporarily cut off from the rest of the world because their roads were washed out or covered in rocks/boulders washed down from above. Thankfully, crews get on that sort of thing quickly here.
Ruidoso has been fairly lucky unless you live in a couple of trailer parks near the river (which is actually a river now, and not just a tiny creek). And when we consider tsunamis and hurricanes and broken levees, then Ruidoso is not unlike living in heaven.

I said all of that, to say this...
When we step WAY back and get a little perspective, is there not some global balance in all of this? Is that too long a view? Can I be compassionate about the individuals who suffer from weather catastrophies and famine and wars and still remain spiritually in balance and aware of a 'bigger' balance? Does the bigger balance really exist?

I think so.
Those of you who garden might understand this analogy.
Things die in your garden: bugs or disease attack the roses, the neighbor's dog digs up the petunias, your gutter overflowed last summer and drowned the whatever...

Do you still have a nice garden? Don't you still enjoy it? Isn't it still the place you go for solace, for something to nurture, for some quiet time and a sense of 'getting back to the earth'?
Have you ever experienced these events or conditions and thought, 'wow, god is out to get me', or 'I guess I'm not supposed to have a garden', or 'what am I doing wrong'?

I think of things like this. And I wonder if I have any compassion at all, sometimes.
I read the stories of real famine in SO many parts of the world, places that have no soil, no rain, no systems of irrigation, where generations have survived on the edge of starvation. I think of the thousands of truckloads of food and supplies that have been sent, with no real change whatsoever in the number of people still starving. In fact, the numbers seem to be actually growing. I've just spent about an hour 'googling' world hunger, starving populations, statistics on death by malnutrition, etc. The numbers are stagering. One article says 852 million people across the world are hungry, up from 842 million a year ago: a 10,000,000 (that's ten MILLION) increase in 1 year. I think of hungry little girls hanging on to mom, who have grown up to be hungry mothers holding on to their sweet little hungry children. And I think of the cantalope that I forgot, and let spoil, and threw out yesterday....
There are literally hundreds of organizations whose purpose is to feed hungry people. Why are the numbers growing?

I'm just asking...

Read Ishmael by Daniel Quinn. Is it the answer? I don't know; certainly, maybe ONE of the answers. It makes sense to me.

Can I find my compassion? What do I do with it?
I give things to my local food bank. I don't give anything to organizations trying to address hunger in areas that cannot support food production where the people are. I'll donate to buy a goat or dig a well...
Sometimes I think I'm really cold-cold-cold.
Sometimes I think like Daniel: when the food supply diminishes the population of the animals/humans who eat that food diminishes - as it should. As it does in all other animal species.

I'm just asking...

A Beautiful Quote

2006-08-23T14:01:00.000-06:00

This, posted by sister-blogger, Kristie, really touched me today.

"You are a treasure and recognized as such. You are completely unique in all the universe. Your gifts are unique, your presence, all that you are is unique and is calibrated to be the exact note that is required to make the chord complete. You are what completes this moment, just as you are. So sing out and let us hear you. Shine out and let us see you. The universe awaits the beauty of your song, embraces the beauty of your song, even if it is at time sung haltingly, even if there are periods of long silence. No matter what, you are deeply loved and deeply treasured."
Author - Carrie Hart

Thanks, Kristie.

It's not surprising that a music metaphor would be especially touching to me. This one is great because of its reference to harmony.
That's a big key for me: musical harmony; spiritual harmony; planetary harmony; and the harmony of relationships.

Ever Onward

2006-08-22T12:13:00.000-06:00

Enough, already! All computers - all software has glitches. Click on things, search, and MOST OF ALL do not be afraid to punch buttons. Enough said about that.

**********************************************************************************

I'm just going to ramble awhile about what's going on with me in a spiritual sense...

One thing I discovered about my angst over the identity of god came to light the other night when we were watching a broadcast of the Gaither Gospel Hour. (yes, I know...hehehe, don't tell)
The Gaither Vocal Band was singing a song I just could not get my mind around, so I started wandering off and watching faces.

1st, the music - the harmonies are just spectacular. It can transport you, and clearly does transport many.

2nd, there is a comfort and a passion in turning oneself over so completely to the music, and to the object of the music.

3rd, you become a member of a special community when the music is pounding and your brothers & sisters are all carried along with you.

4th, ALL of these things (are probably others, as well), especially 'congregation' are exactly what I miss about traditional Christian religion.

Wisely, those Christian music ministers are adding tons of new music, too. There are now love songs, rock songs, even Rap songs and more in the Christian genre.
(So far, I haven't found a foot-tapping Buddhist chant in 4-part harmony. got a link?)
And they're putting the music out there without the preaching (on TV & in CDs and such) so that one just gets caught up and swept away...mindlessly swept away, in my opinion, so that messages stick without the process of thought ever being attached to it. Granted, most listeners (I suppose) are already convinced.

What I'm actually saying here is this: The 'trappings' of my past religious experience, and the 'naming' that happens in virtually all religions I've studied or looked at, are what I was missing so terribly that I felt a HUGE need to fill that void. And I called the void God/Goddess/god/Nature/Cosmic Mind/Whatever....

In spite of the fact that Christianity (especially the fundamental variety) does not and cannot work for me any longer, I was still trying to shove my new spiritual experiences into the same mold. When those experiences left gaps or hung over the edges of the mold, I assumed that it was the fault of the experiences AND NOT THE FAULT OF AN OUTDATED MOLD.

In actual fact there is No Fault at all...just a poor fit. for me. I'm only talking about ME.

I condemn no particular religion. I talk the most about the Christian religion because that is where my experience lies. But my spiritual experience rests completely in love and compassion. I'm reading mostly these days about Buddhist (& Taoist & Zen) practices and practitioners. They resonate more completely with me than anything at which I've looked so far.

If I were to contemplate doing battle over this subject (and I don't), it would be a contest between religion & spirituality.
I believe that spiritual matters take on a different personality when they become religions. And I believe they become religions when they need to rent a hall, or pay a light bill, etc. and almost never before that moment.
Jesus taught love, compassion, giving, gratitude, inclusion, and 'all that I am, you are'. The book of rules came much later.

What religions seem to be teaching now (among other things) is division, judgment, exclusion, and 'we are not worthy'. Well, IF there is a god, and IF s/he made us, I very certain that we are not junk, not broken, not worthless sinners.

What's cool for me in this discussion now, is that I don't have to know the answer anymore.
I don't have to know the name of god, or even if there is one. (name or god, take your pick)
I don't have to convince anyone - no proselytizing required.
I don't have to form opinions about your lifestyle (or your clothes, your color, or your religion).

The only things that my spiritual yearnings require of me are these:

that I hold myself to very high standards of personal integrity,
that I practice love & compassion - first with myself and then to all others, and
that I take small steps & do as little harm as possible while I strive for perfection.

I breathe much easier these days, and interestingly, I even choose to get on the treadmill more often. :)

Peace to you.

New Browser

2006-08-22T11:29:00.000-06:00

Virtually all of my (current) Blogger problems were fixed instantly when I installed the Firefox Browser (now linked in sidebar). Seems that Blogger and Google and Foxfire/Mozilla all share common owners, etc. They are made to work well together.

I'm not totally sure that I'm happy about that...feels a little incestuous.

Through most of the reading I did I found that multiple browsers are often recommended. It makes some sense. If something doesn't work well in one, it will be fine in another. For example, this blog still has a dropped sidebar in IE (Internet Explorer). And, yes, that still bothers me.
(It's NOT that I have OCD issues, it's just that I expect perfection EVERYWHERE!)
Ah, well...
further spiritual development will certainly take care of THAT issue!

Also, if you keep multiple email addresses as many do, you can have a different browser open for each and not have to be continually logging in & out.

There are 3 things that I just LOVE about the new Foxfire browser:

TABBED BROWSING: That means I can have multiple web pages open at the same time without opening multiple browsers; I can 'tab' between open pages and not loose my place. Right now, I have Refdesk, this blogger post editor, and Weather all open at once.
FIREFOX SEARCH BAR: That's a neat little feature that lets me hold multiple (many) search engines at the ready up in my toolbar area. I can click on a drop-down menu, choose the one I want (like FoodTV Recipes), then type the search criteria (like 'paella') and BOOM here it comes. TOO too easy!
SPELL-CHECKER: There is a great one in the toolbar that works just about everywhere you might be typing! Obviously, my experience with it is still limited, but I love it so far.

I'm still learning, but I think this was a good choice. And it may eliminate the need to pay Typepad for a better blog space. We'll see. Meanwhile, you lose nothing by trying it out.

TTFN

An Answer

2006-08-22T08:57:00.001-06:00

OK.
As you can see my posts are back. (all but one)
I spent a ton of time reading Blogger Help, searching forums, etc. I found a blogger here who has answered my question in a number of ways.

Not only can I now upload pictures, but I can do 5-6 at a time. I can't reposition them quite as easily, but I'll practice loading them first (before the text) in the future (per Laura's suggestion).

I do have one remaining error in one post: I get an HTML font error message when I try to republish Li'l Bit's Lament. I'm heading back to my friendly blogger for help on that.

*Fixed this in an amazingly easy way. Per a fellow blogger on Blogger Help, I just clicked on the box that says, "don't show me any more HTML errors for this page" and BOOM, it's all ok and published just fine, with NO errors. :)

working on a sidebar issue...

2006-08-21T16:20:00.000-06:00

So this will be up and down for awhile... (as is the sidebar!)

also having trouble posting pictures...

If you're a Blogger user and have suggestions, let me know.
I've been all over the Blogger site and to several blogs on tips and tricks.

AARRGGGGGGGHHHH!!

I've got all the posts back but three.... I'll get it figured out sooner or later...
seems to have to do with the photos...

Enlightenment is not a Process...

2006-08-19T14:43:00.000-06:00

...it's an Event.
Or, more accurately, a series of events.

Sisters, I woke up.
and am eagerly anticipating the next awakening.

It rattles my little ol' fundamental heart to actually say it, but since I'm watching the awakening taking place with my own eyes, it is difficult to ignore or discount. Just the fact that I see it is proof to me of opened eyes, which are usually (and in THIS case) connected to an open heart.

That part of me that so loves the angst of those other days (like yesterday :)) is moderately disconcerted, primarily because this Enlightenment Moment marks a differnt place....

TTFN
I'm getting caught up in the words when what I want is to be in the experience......back later with more... :)

Shaula's cats

2006-08-14T08:20:00.000-06:00

Shaula told us yesterday that her two cats, Mufasa and Rafiki, go up to Li'l Bit's grave in the evening and just sit there. Mufasa sits right on top.
Seems almost like they are keeping a vigil.

Interesting and very cool.
and very touching... :)

Here's a distraction for you...

2006-08-11T10:27:00.000-06:00

This is a ColdPlay video - a band...music's fine; it's the video... !?
youtube

I can't get a handle on this. I'd love to see your comments.

On one hand I say, 'you GO, girl!'. On another I think...exploitation...?
Costumes are troublesome to me, too. (I admit to a bunch of my own baggage on this subject.)

Lament

2006-08-10T11:10:00.000-06:00

Our beautiful baby girl left us this morning.
Her name is Li'l Bit, affectionately known as Lard Butt.
She had the silkiest fur I've ever touched.

She was a talker, too. She could say 'I love you', and 'Hello'. She talked all the time, but these were the phrases we were sure of. We always knew when she wanted something; she didn't stop talking until we got up to satisfy her demands.

She could climb chain-link fences. This is right outside of our office window. She had a little ledge where she could watch the birds at the feeders. She loved to come and go through the window there.

Here, she's shoulder deep in catnip & mums, and, as usual, on the alert.

One day I was showing a friend's 4-month-old baby the catnip, letting him smell and touch. Li'l Bit (who usually avoids strangers) came down from our Stardeck, came immediately to the catnip and started patrolling between the plant and the baby and me.

OK--it's her catnip. We got it.

Joel wrote some sweet words to our friends who knew her. I include them here.

"This morning Little Bit crawled up in between us, had a
heart attack and died. We have buried her at our friend Shaula’s on a
beautiful little hill where she can look down at our yard. We didn’t want to leave her here in case the new property owner began digging up the property. We buried her with her toys, in several of her little towels that she would lie on throughout the house. Our hearts are broken and neither one of us can stop crying. We had her for 11 years and she gave no indication that she was feeling bad. Every morning when I get up
to go to the bathroom, still half asleep, she would follow me and rub her little cheek on the door jamb, speak to me just a bit and she did that again this morning. I went back to bed and she came up along side me, between us, and laid there. I stroked her soft little ears and sending her little I love you’s. I turned onto my side and within 30 seconds she jerked, sort of like a violent shudder. Her shudder was active enough to wake Kate. I reached for Little Bit because I thought she was stuck between the 2 mattresses. I turned the light on because I knew…
I just knew. She drew, perhaps 3 more breaths and that was it.

It is such a grievous thing when you loose a pet, a child-like being in your life. She would say hello when she came in, she would crawl up on
each of us at different times during the day and pad and purr and then go off to take her 10-hour nap in one of her secret hiding places. I hate being in the house because I am looking for her already. I always did. She had 5 hiding places and she would invariably be found in one of them.

Anyway, we know she didn’t want to make that trip in the car to San Antonio.
We were so blessed to have had her in our lives. She was joy and delight and wonderful all rolled up in this black and white ball of the softest hair you could ever imagine."

Our friend Ile, and Li'l Bit's favorite pet-sitter came to us as soon as we called her, and Shaula came down from the hill above our house. It was really wonderful to have them there. All of us prepared Li'l Bit and took her up the hill to Shaula's where we laid her.

She rests here now.
Our friend, Shaula, let us bury Li'l Bit at her house.
We couldn't contemplate leaving her here when we will be leaving so soon.

There is a new little Mountain Primrose planted there, and some of the catnip that she loved so much.

She lies on a little hill where the morning sun will shine and where she can 'see' the window where she used to sit at home.

Not that you can see it, but it's there at the bottom of the curve in the road.

This is a little piece of the garden where she rests.

LIGHT BULB

2006-08-09T08:44:00.000-06:00

Wow! What an evening last night!

I got a call from a relative in that extended family I mentioned in yesterday's post followed immediately by the viewing of segment 7 in Bill Moyers' series called Faith & Reason. The juxtaposition just blows me away. Whoever or whatever may be the actual nature of that thing I sometimes call Cosmic Mind has a really cool sense of timing and an amazing sense of humor.

The relative is a faithful member of the same Christian religion in which I grew up. It's working beautifully for her and clearly satisfies her spiritual needs. The interviewee on the Moyers' show was Pema Chöndrön, an American Buddhist nun. Her religion works for her, too.

I asked my relative how I was coming across in this blog. She has been reading it (don't know how long) but has never commented. She said that I came across as ...searching. The way she said it led me to jump to the conclusion that 'searching' was a bad thing. (MY stuff, not necessarily hers - I didn't check it out.)

Here's my REVELATION: (Multi-faceted, no particular order)
- It’s the search that is important, not the answer.
- My thrashing about for answers is about my own need for drama and wanting to be ‘made special’ by some kind of cosmic communication.
- There really ARE (at least) Nine Billion Names of god. Which one I choose (or don’t choose) is probably irrelevant to you.
- NO ONE actually KNOWS who/what/where god is until s/he experiences it after this lifetime is over. What that person believes about it is her/his own belief system about it.
- A belief system may be inherited (by default or by thoughtful consideration), or it may be rationally chosen after careful research and/or experience.
- I still have ‘knee-jerk’ reactions to some things that sound like fundamental Christianity.
- What others believe about my experience is none of my business, but may make interesting conversation. (if we can avoid having expectations for each other)
- True ‘fundamentalism’ seems symptomatic of a closed mind regardless of the form that fundamentalism takes: religion, politics, whatever.
- I’m better served, spiritually, if I remain flexible and open to the possibility that I may be totally and completely wrong about ALL matters spiritual and by attaching nothing to that possibility.
- We all, each of us, have the potential of embracing fundamentalism in one realm or another.

There will be more on this subject, of course. It seems enough for now that I can (at last) RELAX. My current spiritual task is to manifest the best, kindest, most peaceful spirit I can manage in any given moment, and to model that in my heart, my behavior, my speech; indeed, in ALL aspects of my life. Doing that will also require that I translate my former angst into actual spiritual practice. For me, that will be more meditation and further exploration. If I need further revelation it will be provided. Hallelujah, amen.

Simplistic and Fundamental

2006-08-08T16:44:00.000-06:00

"From a distance the world looks blue and green,
and the snow-capped mountains white.
From a distance the ocean meets the stream,
and the eagle takes to flight.
From a distance, there is harmony,
and it echoes through the land.
It's the voice of hope, it's the voice of peace,
it's the voice of every man.

From a distance we all have enough,
and no one is in need.
And there are no guns, no bombs, and no disease,
no hungry mouths to feed.
From a distance we are instruments
marching in a common band.
Playing songs of hope, playing songs of peace.
They're the songs of every man.
God is watching us. God is watching us.
God is watching us from a distance.

From a distance you look like my friend,
even though we are at war.
From a distance I just cannot comprehend
what all this fighting is for.
From a distance there is harmony,
and it echoes through the land.
And it's the hope of hopes, it's the love of loves,
it's the heart of every man.
It's the hope of hopes, it's the love of loves.
This is the song of every man.
And God is watching us, God is watching us,
God is watching us from a distance."
sung by Bette Midler (don't know if she wrote it)

How far away do we have to get to see it that way, too?

I admit that I am having a good deal of trouble these days about the nature of god - or nature as god - or god's name, and what have you...

And I KNOW that I don't understand all the points of view about things religious, particularly when war and killing become involved...

But, is not the basic fundamental teaching of ALL religions love & peace?
What am I missing?
Explain the (oxymoronic) meaning of 'holy war', please.

I was listening to the Dixie Chicks newest CD earlier today. What they wrote (even if in anger and hurt) was some powerful music with VERY moving lyrics. Now, they were a little angrier than I might have been (or not). But it seems to me that they turned a tidal wave of hate and anger that was focused at them into some wonderful poetry and some interesting lessons for us.
And I even grew up in Lubbock. They are not wrong about that place, either. And even that does not make Lubbock a bad place.
It just points to some weird thinking that goes on in the minds of some.

I confess that I just don't get it.

Joel and I were discussing it (again) today on a short road trip.
Spirit v. religion, I mean.
(My background is Christian, very fundamental Christianity) so, how did we get from Jesus and 'love thy neighbor' to where we are today? I've listened to some members of my extended family and old friends from the church I grew up in, talk about gays (did I mention I'm lesbian?), about Muslims, about our borders...about countless topics where they prove to me that there is NO 'love thy neighbor' in their minds at all. But they're Christian, so they are right in their own eyes. I'm not Christian, so I must be wrong... ?

I'll bet that's true everywhere. I'll bet that right next door to that Muslim fundamentalist who's throwing (and wearing!) bombs, is a family who just wants to live in peace with their neighbors and have the right to believe what is true for them.

I know there are turf wars and oil wars and religious wars.
I know that every side has right ideas and wrong ideas.
I've tried to find out a little about the basic beliefs of most of the major religions (and some of the minor ones) in the world. I read more blogs and news sources than most people I know, and I have in inkling of how little I really understand about the nature of the fighting/hating/grasping that I see all around us.
What I have not been able to find is ANY basic religious text that teaches that God Hates or that God kills. What am I missing?

I do know that this country, and perhaps others/all, has produced a huge flock of sheep that would rather be told what to do and think than to search for their own answers. Is that what is wrong with all of us? Maybe it's that, combined with the possibility that those in control of our religious organizations may be really wolves in the clothing of sheep.

'Organization' is a buzz word for me, too.
It seems that there is a great deal of money and power residing in religious organizations.
And in this country, it's non-taxable money in most cases. Hmmmm....
It seems that proselytising is very like marketing.
Results = more people = more money = more power. Hmmmm...

So I blunder along, seeking spirit (Spirit) rather than religion;
saying I'm not Christian, but not knowing what else I might be;
longing for a nunnery without a 'religious' leader; reading Lao Tzu and watching my knee jerk when I hear the word 'bible';
thinking maybe Laura's right, and Nature possesses the only real Law.
If that's true, to whom do I say "Thanks"?

I show my age when I long for the 'old' days when things were simpler...
even that's not right, I was young and saw the world through tinted lenses (not always rosy).

I want to imaging a different world, one where this is true:

"Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the peopleLiving for today...

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one."
by John Lennon

Check your Computers!

2006-08-07T09:09:00.000-06:00

I’m sending this to everyone who sent email to me since August 1, 2006, and to addresses of blogs/news to which I subscribe. (Also posting this to my blog)
My virus protection software found and isolated a computer worm named Worm/Generic.TX. It found it in this file: C:\1386\REG.EXE
Joel says this is a very important file. The file was found on 8-4-06 (midmorning) so it came into my computer within the 24 hours prior to that time.

Please run your virus protection software to check for this. And if you have software that you purchased and installed, it won’t be current enough.
We use AVG. This is free to private individuals and scans automatically EVERY DAY, and also updates itself (also automatically) very frequently – whenever new viruses and worms are identified.
Here is a link to its site: http://www.grisoft.com/doc/1 A link in the right sidebar (under Top Threats) mentions this worm.
And here is a link to the free download: download here. Read about it and download from here…
Professional and businesses can buy an upgraded version at the same site.

We’ve used this software for several years: it has NEVER let me down. I HIGHLY recommend it!

I DO NOT KNOW for sure that the worm came to me from any of you. I subscribe to several news links and to several bloggers.
I am 95% certain that I did not send it out accidentally since I rarely ‘forward’ anything and AVG had it isolated very quickly.
I just think it would be wise to check out your systems.

"god & chocolate ice cream"

2006-07-31T09:42:00.000-06:00

This morning's Monday Morning TV is a great film that fits right in with a recent post.
(Of course, most of you that read here will have seen it already.)

Posts (when they come) will be short here. Blogger seems slow and riddled with glitches, so I've been checking out Typepad. I'll let you know when/if I make the switch.

God/god/goddess/Nature/Cosmic Mind

2006-07-24T16:51:00.000-06:00

I'd call this one The State of the Union, but I can't see much unity at the moment.

I was talking to a friend last night about news & emails & stuff and commented to her that I am SO tired of having to struggle the find the truth of any issue. Do you feel that way, too?
We see the 'news' on TV, then I go check out some blogs on related subjects and find that there is a new & different opinion for EVERY site I check. And the varieties of 'slant' that can be attached to a single item is just astounding.

If you're not doing any of that kind of checking, I suggest you try it some time. Just pick a subject - say, New Orleans & Katrina recovery. Read some news, read a few blogs, then talk to someone who's been there. I swear you'll end up believing that everyone is talking about totally different subjects. And if you think the Katrina debacle is over, or is being handled, think again.

Then consider the war in Iraq thru the eyes (?) of the national media,
then thru the eyes of someone who has been there...
like this one.

Then I go to Tai Chi for some meditative exercise and this is the day Jim wants to show us the 'application' for some of the moves. Tai Chi is a martial art, don't you know... so I can (meditatively) consider ripping out someone's liver at the end of that punch that 'looks' like I might be serving canapes to someone.

I believe in the power and energy of our words and our thoughts.
So, usually, I don't spend a lot of time listening to war stories, or political corruption, or the latest celebrity scandal. It seems that my job must be to teach peace, model love, and meddle not at all.
Is that the right choice?
I don't know.

I grew up in a fundamental Christian environment and have studied metaphysics and looked for a place to be part of a spiritual family. I've gone back to the fundamentalists a couple of times, and have burned tons of incense over my Tarot cards in the past. I even thought I could be very comfortable and happy in a convent. I like the uniform and the quiet, and I'd be just great stuck in the kitchen making bread or something.

I want there to be God. or Goddess.
I want to know the name of that thing/spirit/entity we call god.
I want to know the truth. I want there to BE truth, somewhere.
I want to come back as someone's favorite house cat...or as a tall, active multi-racial woman with dark curly hair and green eyes.
I want this trip around the planet to be absolutely the last one - ever.

Laura is making a lot of sense to me, though, when she talks about nature as the abiding spiritual law. (My words - read a few paragraphs into her blog here.)
I can hardly wait for further comments from her on this subject.

If she's right, where do I go to church?
Well, the forest, of course - unless it's closed...

So perhaps I'll study mediation. or Ethics. or art appreciation. or drumming.

One thing I know for sure (thanks for the phrase, Oprah)
is that we (ALL of us) need to love more, learn more, share more, understand & accept the consequences of our actions, and above all
strive to be the highest and best that we can be.
We as humans have set our sights way too low.

If you think you don't know how to do that, then look around you at the best people you currently know, and emulate them. Ask them what they believe and what makes them strong enough to be gentle.

If you go to church, examine you faith and your practice of it. Why do you go there? What does that church really teach? Do they practice love even to the nonbelievers? How much judging of others happens there? How do you feel when you come out of there. How many times in one sermon does s/he pound the pulpit? Does s/he preach against, or for...?

Belief and faith are (or should be) decisions we make after careful thought and soul searching.

I still struggle with 'am I good enough'. I still yearn for the convent in some ways. I still wonder if there might be some 'right' church for me that I just haven't found, yet.
But so far, I've found only crumbling foundations or exclusion. Just the fact of being a lesbian puts me outside of the loving arms of most religions, and absolutely on the 'hit lists' of others.

Ever read a sf story called The Nine Billion Names of God by Arthur Clark?
Interesting. very.
So is Ishmael by Daniel Quinn
and The Fifth Sacred Thing by Starhawk.

It may be that the real truth of god is how much of that Principle lives within each of us.
What are my values? Do I really stand beside my friends and stand up for my beliefs?
What would I die for? What will I live for? What am I teaching?

ooooh...THAT may be a key question. What are we teaching to the people around us? Do you know? And if you think you're not teaching...think about how you learned all that you know...and then think again.

Old & New: Pt. 2

2006-07-24T15:48:00.000-06:00

Well, let's try this again...

All the rooms in the new house were white - just white. Not eggshell, not cream, not antique satin.....just white. Like these - the living room & the bath:

Oops, I'd forgotten about that awful wall paper... the paper in the kitchen was even worse. You can see the seam covers on the walls, too; that nice 'trailer' touch that is so chic.

We got rid of all of that.

Joel did a ton of taping/texturing and sanding of seams through the whole house. I completely resurfaced the bathroom walls with stucco and Everything got plenty of paint. Here's the new living room and bath:

Most people want to touch the beige wall; they think it is suede....Joel worked on it for three days and taught me several new words. :)

The bath became our reminder of Florida, hence the colors. The things hanging to the left of the mirror are combs my Mom brought back from Africa. You can see a little of the tub corner reflected in the mirror.

The dining room turned out like this:

And the kitchen got yellow cabinet doors and fresh (eggshell) paint over that nasty paper:

This area is a lot more open than it seems; furniture seems to find a new home almost daily as we pack up and still try to keep things presentable.

We worked like trojans and did a great job. ALL the rooms; three bedrooms, another bath, and the den, too.

For landscaping we invested in 24 tons of rock of varying sizes. Because of fire danger and the acute water shortages, we garden mostly in pots and have two areas where grass & clover grow periodically when conditions allow. And we installed two 100 gallon rain barrels that really help.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I look thru all the photos we've taken, I can see that this is really just a house.
It's the history, the work, the parties, and even winning the building code battle with the seller...that have made this Home. My home - of 26 years - a place that's hard to leave.

And still, it's time. Time for change, time for adventure, time to step to the edge of another cliff and see if I can fly.

Old & New: A look at house history, Pt 1

2006-07-22T12:55:00.000-06:00

I've been figuring out how to show you some of the changes in my property here in Ruidoso as I talk about the angst of leaving...
For overview, know this. When I bought this 1/3 acre lot in 1981 it had on it a 10X60 trailer with two add-ons, and a separate frame building (on a slab) that housed a workshop/studio. That space is why I chose this place. It looked like this:

There was an extra room with a fireplace built out on the back side, too. I could stand flat-footed in any room and put my palms flat on the ceilings...I'm 5' 4"! The extra building is at the other end loosely connected with a concrete slab and a roof...like a breezeway.

In some decade (?) I replaced the roof with a pitched one that covered the trailer, the add-ons, and the breezeway.

It was a comfy home for me and Patina, my first cat.
When we added Joel to the mix in 1994, it started getting really small.

In 2001, we found a great deal on a freshly re-po'd double-wide modular. Truly too good to be true....no, really.

The new one started out like this:

We had to bring in a lot of dirt to make the lot level out beyond the original porch (see 1st photo).

In this shot, you can almost see just the tiniest edge of the studio on the extreme left...that rusty brown square is the edge of its roof. As you can see, the new house, being 27' wide instead of 10', had a larger footprint. The old house had 3 steps downs to extra room and two more down to breezeway/studio level. The new one-level house ended up sitting much higher one the studio end than the original. So figuring out how to put it all together became quite problematical. The differences are clear in this shot from the back:

...I can't seem to add more pictures to this. I'll post this one, and come back in again....

aaarrrrggggghhhhhhh!

Don't know if it's me or Blogger, but the photo thing is not going to happen today.

...so...ttfn

Crabby Crustacean

2006-07-21T13:39:00.000-06:00

I spoke some time ago about the crabby crustacean who lives within -(I'd link if I could find it!)
She's appeared in the guise of dragon lately.

I didn't really (haven't yet) gone to battle with her...actually.

I just stuck my thumb in my mouth, skittered up close beside her, and
held my breath
while she beat me, familiarly, about the head and shoulders.

I'm not sure which of us got tired of it first, but it's not happening now.

Spiritual evolution basically sucks -------now and then.
I'm not fond of looking into mirrors

well...I say that, and yet I seem to do it Over & Over ...and over & over... blah, blah, blah

I'm having/have been having a lot of trouble giving up this house. No, this ground. The structure has been replaced or remodeled...
Neither of the above - it's HOME that's hard to leave.
So, my sign is Cancer, the Crab - the crabby crustacean
...so attached to HOME that she carries it on her back.

What I think I'm seeing is that this displacement has been going on for over four years now, and is finally coming to a head.
Ever since we first replaced the ancient trailer with the new double-wide modular, I've had stuff in boxes. Some things have still not been unpacked since 2001!
Most things came back into the new house in the fall of 2001.
Then in late 2002 we decided to take a sabbatical in Florida while I finished up some schooling - so pack a bunch of stuff for 6 months in FL, and pack up the rest to make room for the woman and 2 kids who will live in and care for the house and take care of the cat.
Big sad story about that, and two months later, I'm back to pack up EVERYTHING so that I can lease the house and take the cat back to FL.
Then coming back to NM - UNpack..the car, the U-Haul, the stuff in storage!!!...
Now we are packing yet again. I reach for a tool or a dish in the kitchen only to realize that it is already packed and gone.
Where is that curling iron? You're kidding, that, too?! Never mind that I haven't used it in two years....what about NOW?

So I've been crabby.

more later
probably

Laura has sparked some interesting thought trails with some recent posts.
She made quite a bit of sense to me as she described what she was coming to understand about the nature of her god object. (Read this post to get the pun.)
I liked it as well as I understood it.

I haven't seen a way to reconcile that concept with my yearning for congregation in the way that churches provide. I especially miss vocal, harmony-rich, spiritual music. If you want to see an example, check out the Gaither Vocal Band or any singer(s) on the Gaither Gospel Hour. That just seems to me to be such a perfect way to celebrate spirit. Why does that music seem to be so inextricabilly tied to fundamental Christianity?
And how about the air in a room where 200 or 2000 others are all focused on spirit -
whether through led or silent prayer, or any of a number of meditation practices...

Lots of questions these days.
Lots of interesting thoughts.
Periods of anxiety and mild depression.

I see that I am 'in process' as some of my friends would say.
It isn't really a different process than the everyday process we all live through as we pass the time on planet earth. This stretch of road just feels a little bumpier than others have been.
Compared to most, the bumps are tiny...but that only matters when I am objective. In the midst of my own personal angst, I am sometimes overwhelmed by their size and complexity.
Anyone identify?

Now that the floodgates have opened, you may see exactly that - a flood.
Grab a couple of innertubes, the sunscreen, and a cooler full of sparkling wine and maybe you'll enjoy riding the current.
ttfn

It's Hard to Come Back

2006-07-21T10:00:00.000-06:00

...almost two full months since my last post... wherever have I been?
I'm not completely sure.

First, I'm just going to bring this up to date as to facts...

We've been to San Antonio. We liked it.
We had so many boxes around the house (inhibiting the viewing pleasure of (the so far nonexistent) prospective buyers, that we took a 6' X 12' trailer full of stuff to a storage unit down there.

That experience sent us running to the local moving company for estimates when we got home.
We thought we could move ourselves. You know, rent the truck, have some friends help load it - especially Steve who can pack more stuff in less space than even my Mom could do - then Joel drives that truck (hauling one car on a trailer), while I follow in the other car with the cat and our own small open trailer of any odds and ends...
...hhmmmm, then who is going to unload everything? Who's going to carry the refrigerator inside? OMG! What were we thinking of!?

Now, it's possible that Steve and Eden (no, NOT Steve & Edie) might go with us. And our realtor could probably find another muscle-y person or two to help...
Does this make more sense?
What do we consider? Cost? in dollars? in physical wear & tear? How about emotional wear & tear?

The movers estimate the move at $3500 if we do all the packing and they can get the 18-wheeler close to the house in San Antonio. If they can't get the truck close, then figure an extra $800.
It may all cost a little less if the move happens in the fall...when their busy season is over.
Prof. Movers = $3500 - 4300 = very little heavy lifting for either Joel or me.
U-Haul option = at least $2000 plus costs to feed and house the men = huge amounts of lifting/climbing.
U-Haul is our only self-moving option, and we hate them. Three times they have given away our 'reserved' trailer, this last time forcing us to make a 97 mile round trip to ANOTHER TOWN to pick one up! Makes me SO crazy!

I think we better plan on the professionals.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On Memorial Day our realtor hosted an Open House with advertising, balloons, treats, etc. and showed our house to ONE couple. Since that day, NO ONE has looked at it. (We've seen a few people drive by slowly...)
I'm of very mixed feelings about that. I'd rather make the move in Sept. or Oct., but I'm nervous about the house staying 'listed' that long. I'm mostly just nervous.
Here's the thing.....
.............wait, let's just stick to the facts for the moment...

We did bury St. Joseph (well, actually, a small statue of St. Joseph) in the garden last week.

The forest has finally reopened. I'm about to hit some of my favorite hiking trails. And I have a new friend anxious to learn more about the trails. That will be fun.

What have I been doing all this time? Well, nothing really. I've been covered up with dragons and to a large extent, I just let them climb all over me. I'll talk about that a little later on...

Joel is doing very well. There is still some pulling on the surgical sites and some recovery still to be done on the nerves in those areas, but her energy is way up, as well as her spirits. I'm the only one making her mildly crazy these days.

So we're basically set to go.
Committed to the move, and now committed to San Antonio, Texas. Amazing.

What is wrong with this picture?

2006-05-24T21:40:00.000-06:00

In less than two minutes I saw a TV commercial where the yard man bribed his client and got away with it....that one was selling Las Vegas; then I saw one where a woman was effectively stealing someone's camera while holding it in her hands and exclaiming over the phone about how awful it was that they had lost it.

I think I must be losing it. Is this the world? It's everywhere, in every piece of marketing, all around me.

Please tell me I'm not the only one seeing this....
...or is it just that you have already stopped watching that idiot machine!

Women ROCK!

2006-05-15T08:34:00.000-06:00

Kristi, Erin, and Nancy, that must have been SOME KIND OF DANCING!
Skies began to look stormy just before sunset, with that strange yellow-gray that you sometimes see before storms. Then winds picked up and the clouds rolled in and the drops started falling.

I must say, the lightening was a little scary, given our dry conditions, but there wasn't much of it. Rain seemed to continue gently for many hours...we went to bed so I don't know how long.
Given the depth of the pond and other signs, I think we may have only gotten about 1/4 inch.
(Weather.com is not telling me how much and I've already packed the rain guage.)

This morning is foggy and cool with a 60% chance of more precipitation later this morning.
:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

If you feel like more dancin', GO FOR IT!
This rain won't change the forest restrictions, but it has let us all take a deep breath' it's washed off the layer of dust on everything, and gives us hope that we will last 'til the rainy season...early July. I can just hear the plants and animals all breathing a sigh.....

THANKS!

The Forest is CLOSED!

2006-05-12T09:22:00.000-06:00

locked, chained, barred, lights out!

Dry, dry, dry - dryer - driest.
Did you know that a forest can be closed? Road blocks up at the turnoffs. Plastic tape across trailheads. It's really amazing.

And that's how DRY it is here. The fire danger is HUGE! We're considered to be a tinderbox in a flint factory. There are hot-shot crews camping out in local motels because the risks are so high.
You know what else? Ruidoso has virtually no water. You can hand-water outdoor plants on Tuesdays only.
Whew....

Tourists are greeted at the edges of towns with lighted signs saying, No Campfires, Forest Closed, No Outdoor Smoking....oh, yeah, and Welcome to Ruidoso...

It is no longer legal to smoke anywhere except inside your home or vehicle. (Well, there are several money-grubbing restaurants which still insist on maintaining smoking sections and we have one cigar bar.)
I saw a young (addicted) woman outside a (no smoking inside) convenience store where she works trying to smoke: she was crouched on the ground between an ice machine and the open door (to the store) in a tiny triangle created by machine, door and wall.....
A local was fined $500 for throwing a cigerette out her car window.

When a friend inquired about a fire in her firepit (for her birthday bash) she was told that the fine w/be $5000, and that rangers would come looking for the source of smoke.

It's serious, folks.
Please think moist thoughts.

We've had our usual fire season talk here at home. We know which file drawer has to go into the car, and which art pieces need to be grabbed and where the cat box is (it's already stocked with food).
If a fire actually breaks, we'll start putting things in the cars. Since so much of our stuff is packed, we might even load a small trailer we have.....

We smelled smoke this morning. Joel said she first smelled it about 4:30 AM. Normally, we'd ignore it; today we got up and drove around looking for smoke... didn't find it/heard no sirens/saw the hot-shot trucks still at the motel, so we finally decided that someone had gotten cold in the night and lit a fireplace fire...still legal.... Whew!

The 'rainy season' here usually doesn't start until July 4th. 6-7 weeks.

Another reason a move is a good idea.

If you know a rain dance, or a rain dancer....get to it, please.

OK, I confess...

2006-05-09T10:03:00.000-06:00

The bike is a loaner.

Its owner, my friend Ile, is house-sitting a few doors away and has parked it here and left me the key so I can play with it.

It was so much fun...
...and SO scary.... !

Riding with finesse takes practice. And in these mountains, it's hard to find a long, fairly straight road for practicing without hitting traffic, or gravel, or VERY tight corners, not to mention steep hills (the downs are so much worse than the ups!).

It felt nothing like my old bike (24 years ago!).
And my perspective is very different now.
And my awareness of the kinds of damage that this body might sustain is more acute.

It was a great physical fit: It sits so low that I could put my feet flat on the ground. The center of gravity is also low, so I wasn't really worried about laying it down.
But I'd forgotten the feel of cornering - it happens with leaning more than steering.
I'd lost the feel of gear shifting. Hands and feet have to work together so differently than they do in driving a four-wheeled vehicle.

I remembered the freedom of flying, though - and it's still there.
I remembered the camaraderie of bikers - and it's still there.
I remembered the sense of power and the 'outlaw' spirit - and they're still there.

I was in my 30's when I last owned a motorcycle. I DON'T remember ever being afraid.
(well, once, when I laid the bike down on a street my brother told me NEVER to ride on!)
But, yesterday, it was there...just a little voice of fear. Not enough to spoil the moment, but changing the experience, none the less.

I'm going to ride again...!
I'm going out early in the morning, maybe Sunday, before the church goers are up, when the traffic is practically nonexistent and I can practice all my skills.
AND THEN, I'm going for a real ride.
I'll be back to tell you all about it. :)

Meanwhile...
...go do something that's just a little scary. It feels GREAT!!!

When I'm Not the Omnicrone, I'm...

2006-05-08T13:27:00.000-06:00

Big Mama!

Check it out!!!!!
took ten minutes to clean the bugs off my teeth, but -
Woopee! What a ride!!

So MUCH stuff going around in my head!

2006-05-04T10:24:00.000-06:00

More and more, I'm coming to appreciate the work of Ronni Bennett at Time Goes By, and especially this post about the limitations of age. Her comments spring from packing to move, as we are doing, so it's doubly appropriate.

And Laura's been exploring some very rich territory recently. See her posts (and comments) for a few days around this one: Can We REALLY Change...? and her series on Creativity here. There are 7 parts so far, but that may not be all.....

All of these posts (and many of the comments) are talking about things very 'up' for me these days.
I'm effectively retired (at 58 11/12), a miraculous blessing in itself. My Mom's forethought - actually my Grandfather's - has made it possible for me to get out of corporate America without having to go to war for workplace respect and without having to live in fear of losing a pension to corporate greed.

I'm young, though, to consider sitting around in front of a computer all day, or reading, or....
What shall I do with my time?

I want to 'give back'. Well, what the hell does THAT mean?

I'm still working with the domestic violence group here... a little...
I found that being on the board was not all it was cracked up to be. I learned that I do not really play well with others, at least in that realm. I want the job to get done. I want you to give me the task, or give me the list of instructions that you want followed, and then leave me alone so that I can get busy. I do NOT want to manage people. I do NOT want to sit in a meeting for 90 minutes discussing important items that need decisions, but about which we can do nothing because we had NO Quorum! And I certainly do not want that condition to repeat itself when there are bylaws in place to prevent it.

OK, my patience is flawed.
I can wait for you to arrive at a lunch date for ages because you have a life and things come up, but I can't wait on a committee which encourages irresponsibility by continually accepting the same behavior by the same individuals.
I chaired a committee myself, for a while. 8 - 10 volunteered, 5 - 6 showed up for lunch meetings, 2 did the work. Not my thing.
The 'committee' died by attrition, the work goes on by those who DO it.
..........sorry....spleen needed venting...

But I come back to Laura's question: What is my 'Right Work'?
Damned if I know - for sure - but an image is forming. And it fits with a vision I had years ago about 'my perfect house'. Turns out that the house had a resident, and that resident was....
The Omnicrone. :)
She had no name at the time, but I could see her clearly. She's a grandmotherly type. Not tall, a little plump, a great gardener, possesses a comfortable lap, makes bread, beats on drums, is always at home, never locks her doors (who, me?!), practices Tai Chi and meditation, and has cats and birds living in her garden.

This may be my right work.
Earth Grandmother/Omnicrone
She who holds the sacred space, where all are comfortable, where there is always permission to cry, or to laugh, or to create and the only lesson is about adding to the love in the world.

I thought my right work was coaching.
But coaches have no professional use for laps.

I thought my right work might be preaching
but that implies a dogma or the belief that I know something you don't.

Decades ago I thought that my right work was to marry a preacher and have 10 kids! EEEK!!!
(Thank you, god, for letting me grow past that one while still childless)

Even while I was in it, I knew that banking was not my right work.
Somebody's maybe, but not mine.

And this brings me back to Ronni Bennett's blog about the limits of age. I'm feeling my years when I move packed boxes, and I have hated needing help. (I'm supposed to be the one who offers help.)
My left knee hurts sometimes, I can't really breathe well at this altitude (I used to think that was because I just work hard. Now that it may be about altitude, I get scared about my heart sometimes...)
And I'm beginning to see 'ageism' everywhere.

I think I may be growing into the Omnicrone. She's a little thinner than I and much more physically fit, but otherwise, I'm getting there.
I know I can create that kind of space. I do it now in my home; I think I can take it on the road.

Will I?
Stay tuned for developments as they break.

Best Friends - revisiting

2006-04-27T15:53:00.000-06:00

It's been more than 7 months since my revelation about my 'best friend' and the battle with Exfot.
I find that I can still be sad about that -- when I have the time and it crosses my mind.
I still don't have a 'best friend'. I have a great girlfriend who is working on being a best friend, but we're not there yet. I don't know how the move might affect that, but we'll see. In the meantime, we're seeing as much of each other as we can. Very much fun.

And I have a new buddy/singer/bikerchick who may let me ride her motorcycle one of these days. That's really cool. I like her a lot, and she's fun to sing with, even though we don't know many of the same songs yet (and are both altos!)...and she is the BEST pet sitter we've ever found. Li'l Bit loves her a bunch!

Dreams can hang on for a long time. I was talking with Joel and Steve today about that. Sometimes we can't go get our dreams because the risk of losing it is too great: 'what if I try and don't make it---then the dream is gone, too and I have nothing'.

Well I held on to my 'best friend' for a long time. And the loss of that particular dream is still sad sometimes. I find, though, that I prefer the sadness of the lost dream much more than the disappointment of the 'best friend' who doesn't call...
And I know, too, that the sadness is all mine and just about the loss of a dream. It has a poignancy that is actually comfortable...a little.
That's not exactly what I mean...
I know, much more clearly now, just what a best friend is. I know how to be one, I think.
And I know when I have one.

I have one in Joel, for sure. But there is something a little different when one's best friend is also one's spouse. Joel is great! and Joel is a woman friend, too.... Can't explain the difference, don't really care.

I love the people I love. I don't really have to see them often or live near them to love them well.....
...and one day, I'd like really to have a best friend.

I may never do this again...?

2006-04-27T15:24:00.000-06:00

Erin asked a question in her comment about the concert pictures, that I'll answer here.

I said I may never do this again...
and that is not necessarily true. I've come to know that I want to spend a lot of time (once we're settled) in studying music, playing - or learning to play another instrument (drums, recorder, percussion, Celtic harp...) and, of course, singing. I can see us finding a bunch of retired music teachers and forming a small band to play for seniors, country clubs, women's clubs, etc. I'd love to find a quartet or quintet of female voices to do some baroque music, too. What fun.

What I meant with that comment was that the total experience was so unique it is unlikely to be repeated. One big thing that made it so special is that NO ONE in Ruidoso had any idea that I could/would do that. And certainly not that I could do it well. Steve and I rehearsed a lot. We were ready and confident; had all the moves down; knew we blended well...and both of us have more than enough stage experience to be really comfortable. We didn't look or perform like your neighborhood Karaoke singers. We were hot and we knew it.
Also, the theater personnel treated us like pros and handled all the technical aspects with an extremely high level of skill and professionalism. There aren't many theaters of that caliber in this country.

There were just too many unique and wonderful aspects of that weekend that came together to make a once-in-a-lifetime event. It could not be duplicatable if only for the fact that there can be only one 'first' time. Outside of a church choir, my last time onstage before that concert was sometime in the mid 70's!

Comprende usted?

The Concert pics...at last and...

2006-04-26T11:59:00.000-06:00

Here's the group near the end of the concert. I'm the eighth one from the right...
We were singing back-up to Sandy's "Comin' Out of the Dark"

This one is Steve (show's producer) and me doing our rendition of "Holy Water" by Big & Rich, accompanied by the video...

And here is yours truely.....

This was it - my only choice - It is really possible that I will NEVER do anything like this again, and I don't have a good photo of it. I am SO dissappointed about that.

At least you can tell I actually put on makeup for the occasion....and it was a sad song...but only one shot!? She couldn't catch my eyes open!

Thank god for memories.
Hey, they can't take that away.....! :)

Heartwarming Story - a dog and her family...

2006-04-26T11:11:00.000-06:00

This is great. But even more wonderful than the story of the dog, is the family willing to take her in....
enjoy (with tissues...) http://www.aardwulf.com/media/dog.wmv

More on the Move...

2006-04-25T09:37:00.000-06:00

Our Ruidoso realtor is bringing a tour of other local realtors through our house today. We're all spiffed up and shiny, and Mary will call when they are a house or two away, so I can put a piece of bread in the toaster... even better than air fresheners!

We're nesters here. It's a bit of a chore to keep this place in shape for inspections at any time. Our biggest problem is the den where we watch TV...seems that piles appear in a matter of seconds when we sit down: the remote controls, the glass, the nail file, the cat treats, the back scratchers, the book(s), the tissue, the spoon I used for the peanut butter treat...& on & on & on.

We're getting much better at it though, and it has reminded us that we want a TV room in the new house that has a DOOR!

The Photos I Promised Yesterday

2006-04-15T11:09:00.000-06:00

This is South Padre Island near Port Isabel. You can drive this beach for miles & miles & miles.
We sat here for hours watching birds and waves and surf fishers.

This is a shot of the team of professional sand sculptors who are building the Sponsors' Exhibit for the 10th annual Sandfest at Port Aransas, just north of Corpus Christi.

This shot is of the first morning of the Pros competition. The guy (center, top) is packing sand in these forms. Most are plywood and 2x4s. They use water, left in barrels at each site by the water truck, to help pack it in so it will support the detail work to come later. We couldn't stay for the whole thing, worse luck. They get 2 1/2 days to work before judging. And the festival includes music and a gazillion vendors. We'll be there next year!

This give you an idea of the detail that can be done, but you'll never believe it unless you can see it for yourself! They use water in sprayers (like pest control people use) to keep the sand moist while they are working, then they spray on a VERY diluted mixture of Elmer's glue and water to protect the surface.
Even so, it's all gone in just a few days...

We're Baaacck!

2006-04-14T16:56:00.000-06:00

Whew!
Things can really get moving!
We've been exploring south Texas because Lubbock just seemed too dry, too boring, and too much like going backwards.

So, what do you think about BEACHES?!!!

We've set our sites on Corpus Christi, Texas - just a hop, skip from Padre Island.
Check out some of these pictures:
oh, shoot...I need to edit them first...I'll post 'em this weekend... :(

I'm noticing that I'm becoming more exacting in certain behaviors that pertain to my immediate environment, namely quality of the bed, and the ability to wash off the sand at the car.
Some of the minor dragons would love to spin some exotic psychodrama around that, but I prefer to think of it as an expression of the desires of that Zodiacal Crab, the Cancerian crustacean that I am - nest builder, Earth Mother, ______ dragonslayer--(can't be an apprentice anymore; what's the next level?)
I've learned that I take a portion of my (crab)shell with me whenever I travel. (Think of George Carlin's routhine about "His Shit") Every trip has its list of what 'stuff' is appropriate for the journey and it should ALL be in the shell before we leave! I'm actually becoming somewhat Crochetey about it.

Then add in my "thing" about drafts on my head, and airconditioning and pretty soon I start looking like an invalid out on a rare outing. I have an (empty) pillowcase over my head (esp. my ears) and am wrapped in a blanket -- !!

I like to think of it all as endearing eccentricities.

I think I am painting a picture of who I am with paint made up of my dreams. Cool, heh! :)

So I have nerves and emotions around this move and some fears
And a whole bunch of excitement for this change...most non-typical, but true, nonetheless.

We even saw a great house! The main living quarters are just over 1700 sq. ft., BUT it has a completely separate guest suite above a 3-car garage - almost 800 more sq. ft. House has a big room (converted from original attached 2-car garage) that will make a perfect studio/office.
Maybe it will still be available when our house goes under contract. Or that perfect one is looming on the horizon. Our Ruidoso house has been officially on-the-market since April 1st and has been shown an average of once a day since then. And the summer season is still over a month away. OMG! This could happen ANY DAY!!!!!!!

You can find our present house here at our local agent's site (Soon to be appearing at Realtor.com!) http://115randledr.ruidoso-homes.com.
Here's the prospect in Corpus... Capri. ---oops...it SOLD!

Off to prepare dinner now.
Laura and Erin, thanks for checking on me. Updates coming soon... :)

Oh, Wow, KARAOKE!!!

2006-03-18T23:18:00.000-07:00

My first Karaoke bar. This was fun!
I didn't sing...yet....so I guess I am still (technically) a Karaoke virgin, but boy did I have a good time. :)

We had some friends over for tostas, tapas and toasts, (With Erin's help)then we moved over to Lucy's Mexicali Restaurant for dinner and some music.

I hadn't realized what ol' fogeys we had become:

we were out after dark
we had a cocktail
there was loud music (one of the ways I measure my age is by my intolerance - usually - for noise)

I'm too tired to tell you more just now.
I hope your weekend is half as satisfying!

a catch-up quickie

2006-03-15T09:03:00.000-07:00

Good Morning.
We're in another frenzy around here. (oh, no, not AGAIN!)

This one is purposeful and exciting. We are committed to the move, although we are still not 100% decided on the destination. We will be taking a week off in early April to explore the Gulf coast of Texas, and also a college town well positioned between Austin, San Antonio, and Dallas.
Then we'll decide on the city and start seriously looking for the 'last' house.

Meanwhile, we're packing and cleaning. We're not neat-freaks here by any means, and as soon as we give the go-ahead to our realtor we have to be ready to show the house on VERY short notice. With that in mind, we are cleaning out closets and drawers and cabinets, packing what we use (but not often) and throwing away or donating anything we don't want. (We've done the get-rid-of-it thing before so this time it's easy.)

The worst will be the office/workshop/studio space...what a chore!

I want the taxes finished by the first, too. I'm close, so that should only take a day or two.
Gotta get back to laundry right now.
I'll be back, I promise.

Another Wonderful Moment to Watch

2006-02-24T20:21:00.000-07:00

This may be the feel-good moment of the year. You must check this out.

...From http://www.cbsnewyork.com
To see the video for yourself go to:
http://wcbs.dayport.com/launcher/85203/?tf=video_player.tpl&Category_ID=5

NOTE: If you have a pop-up blocker turned on, then go to the top link and scroll down just a little to the "Most Popular" Videos; it's #1

A treat for your Eyes & Ears

2006-02-24T11:00:00.000-07:00

I have never seen anything like this! Turn up you speakers, sit back, and enjoy...

Chris Bliss

Partial Sanity's a Bitch

2006-02-23T16:30:00.000-07:00

You won't believe this story...but I SWEAR it's true.
~~~~~~for background, see the Conglutdemuck series (here's the list).

Joel & I were in Albuquerque yesterday for Joel's heart doc checkup (she's Great!) and so had to eat away from home.
For me, that means Restaurants!! Hooray-hooray! I'm thinking 'exotic' or, at least a restaurant we don't have in Ruidoso - easy, huh? And I'm thinking...what's it going to taste like, feel like, smell like, and how do I stretch it out to a couple of hours and some nice wine, ...right? And I'm thinking about this mucho for several days before we go. Not obsessing, mind you, just 'thinking'...24/7

...and I didn't have the guts to say, Hey, Joel! I'll watch you eat at the salad bar, if you'll watch me eat at the... Macaroni Grill, Chili's, Orchid Thai, Red Lobster.... hey, come on, I'm flexible here. ...!

Well, we DID have E. Indian food at lunch. It was wonderful. We'd talked about that one. It's fresh and wonderful and spicy and we both love it. Did I say it was wonderful?
Then Sue told us about the Cold Stone Creamery who sells a wonderful product known as 'Sinless' that is truly wonderful and won't wreck your food plan. So that rings all of Joel's old bells.

We were doing great until things started going the way they do with doctors and medical staffs. This thing takes a little longer then that one takes a little longer and......
We totally forgot one thing and then it was almost 5:00 and I'm thinking...boy, if we get ice cream NOW, Joel won't even WANT any dinner and then what the f%#& do I do??

A compromise and a poor choice results in anything BUT the dinner I had in mind.

Now, here comes the good part.
We're at breakfast the next morning and we are having eggs and toast. My 'binge' includes bacon. Joel orders scrambled, I order over medium. (I'm picky about it.)
When they come, both orders are scrambled. My very least favorite egg.
I did my regular MO: say thanks, then pick up the ticket to see what the server wrote. (meanwhile she gets away, thinking all is well.) She wrote OM.
Now, I 'should' send them back. Not only do I not like scrambled eggs, I can prove the mistake is not mine. (You ARE picking up on how 'nuts' this is, aren't you...well, the best is yet to come!)

If I do send them back, then we eat seperately, or Joel eats cold food...
anyway...

In a few minutes, I start clouding up and tears come to my eyes and I say,
"When we get to Lubbock, I think I am going to have to join Overeaters Anonymous; I am having an out-of-proportion reaction to my eggs." At which time, I start to cry (quietly) in the restaurant... God, I'm losing it.

A minute later, I swear, not longer, I look up and smile, and say to Joel, "it's hard to be partly sane".
At which point, we burst out laughing. I mean really.
Am I losing it?

or maybe i'm getting it...

Ildowen and the Now

2006-02-20T07:02:00.000-07:00

What I'm finding...
.............(the me that sits off to the side and smiles at all this angst)
is that, for me, it's about walking the talk. I keep saying over and over, Be Here Now.
And when I remember that and pull myself into Now.

I can feel my inner child, Vickie, screaming as she senses that I, Omnicrone, am approaching a time when I really am in the Now AND have the spirit to make the right choice for myself. She's the scared one. No more self-indulgence, and, omg, what if there's No Cheese!?

My problem is that I don't know how to mother her thru this. (Without the food she craves.) I don't have a good track record in keeping promises to myself about self-care/nurturing.

I'll be looking for a talisman for that, too

Thanks for being out there.

OMG, There's another one!

2006-02-19T11:53:00.000-07:00

Meet Ildowen.

Seems I've known her for years, but we were formally introduced only last night.
Ildowen, short for I'll do it when (fill in the blank).

I'll bet you know her, too.

I'll do it when -
...the check gets here
...I finish this book
...I've lost 20 pounds (100 pounds, whatever)
...we've finished the move
...Joel's at 100%
...I get the time
...the sky turns green

Granny Went

2006-02-14T07:30:00.000-07:00

Ouch. Anne Abernathy, Grandma Luge, broke her wrist in a trial run on Sunday and had to withdraw from competition. I'm really sorry I didn't see her compete.
Check out her story of the crash here.

We watched several crashes on that course, too bad she was one of them.

Go Grandma!

2006-02-12T18:48:00.000-07:00

Talk about finding your passion!
and, in the meantime, blowing up a few myths about aging, and women, and sports.

Check out Grandma Luge!
and for some tales of what's happening, check out her blog.

I think women's luge is scheduled for Monday and Tuesday - THIS week. And NBC has/is doing a specialty piece on her. Air time for this is totally unknown, but...

Now,
what shall we conquer this year, you & I?

Moving, Part 2 - Going Home Again...?

2006-02-12T10:04:00.000-07:00

No, I think not.

I'm stereotypically Cancer, don't you know. Home is the place where I have built my nest and feel safe. That will happen in Lubbock when enough 'stuff' has been done. But it won't be 'home' in that going-back-to-it sense. Lubbock was home, in the sense that I could say I grew up there - got older there, actually.
I 'grew up' in Ruidoso; meaning that I continued the education started in college about who I am, what I value, etc. (And just so you know, the real education that I got during my college years had NOTHING to do with academics.)

Lubbock was home to some degree while my Mom was alive. And it is the home of my sister and my brother, and of all my aunts and uncles. But it's not HOME.

Most of that change happened when I 'came out'. (I really need to do a blogtrail on that subject, just for the record.)
You see, my family of origin is (mostly) Christian (more or less) fundamentalists. They are always polite, but only one or two have answered emails and only one aunt and my brother & sis have sought me out in the years since they discovered I am lesbian.
Sweet civility, but not Family.

Additionally, most of them are of a different political persuasion. We're just different nuts from the same tree. We do share many values. And much of what I am proud of myself for comes from those roots. So, yes, it's all family and still somehow not family. And it certainly won't be Home until I make it so.

Lubbock is familiar. And I like that.
It's laid out in a logical way: N/S & E/W - easy to find your way around even in most of the newer areas.
There is not much ethnic diversity and that's a shame...but I just can't see myself tackling a place like Chicago or LA at this stage in my life. And Lubbock DOES have 2 Thai restaurants and 1 really good Indian (east) one, and that's way ahead of Ruidoso.

There is also a community theater and a repertory company, plus all the stuff offered to the community by a BIG university.

And there are wide horizons and amazing sunsets!!! (There's one of Lbk in the 4th row.) It's flat. I never thought that would be a selling point. I used to gripe about that... :)

The economy is very stable and the medical options and facilities are top rate.

And I can get a brick, site-built house with 3/4 bedrooms, 2-car attached garage, a basement (for the tornadoes), plus fenced yard for the same money that I can sell my 'manufactured' home in Ruidoso!!! Just amazing!

Enough of this for now.....
It still seems like the right thing and I'm excited about a new house - a REAL house!

What's New, You Ask...?

2006-02-11T11:57:00.000-07:00

We're going to move-relocate-get the heck out of Dodge.

You may or may not know that we've been thinking of moving for a long time. We fell in love with Florida, for one thing, and Ruidoso just keeps getting crazier, and the weather is dryer each year, and the tourists thicker (?) and more abundant...

But where shall we go?

We've searched the net; researched various areas in Florida; hunted for rivers or lakes; cussed and discussed many parts of the country and a few other countries. What to do, what to do...?

Well, the decision has been made. And if you had asked me a few years ago, I'd have said, "No, not in a million years".
I'm going back to Lubbock, Texas. The very bottom of the Texas panhandle. OMG, I'll be a Texan again!

Several things decided us:

Joel breathes SO much better at a lower altitude.
No tourists
A BIG university - Texas Tech
A wonderful medical center - the Tech Med school - HIGHLY respected
Tai Chi and Yoga out the a...wazoo
My sister and brother and their families
BIG ONE - How far our money will go in that economy v. this one, especially in housing
Thai and Indian restaurants right in town
Horizons - took me a long time to miss them, but now I long for the long view.

As for the tornadoes...we'll get a basement!
We'll be talking about this a lot more as we progress, but we are already talking to realtors there and here.

TTFN - off to lunch and the pairs competition from Torino

Breathing room... Conglutdemuck, Pt 4

2006-02-11T11:38:00.000-07:00

Ok
Thanks for hanging with me.
The huge dragon that has been sitting on my chest shifted a little and then gave her space to a much smaller cousin. I'm breathing better now.

The dragon is still hanging about, but I've wounded her (and honored her) and we have retired to our respective corners for the time being.

Positive steps that are underway include getting serious (again) about my food supplements (Shaklee, of course...) and paying real attention to how my body feels (as opposed ((and in addition) to my mind)). Don't get me wrong; I am NOT taking the weight loss products. This is not about my weight - or at least not directily. This is about what feeds me, comforts me, fills me on many more levels than just groceries.

I've also talked about all this with Joel and with a good friend who battles a similar dragon. Sharing these feelings is a good thing! And having two good sets of ears right here with me has proven to be a huge help. I don't think I could have gotten to this point, though, without you sisters out here in blogland listening and standing for me first. Thanks a bunch.

We're excited about a new project, too and I think that is helping....
I'll talk about that in a different post.

The Good News on Joel's Recovery

2006-02-07T15:46:00.000-07:00

We're still working on the IV's and will be doing so until a week from Thursday, but I am thrilled to see that Joel has made remarkable strides in her recovery. The IV's are about an infection in one of the wound sites that is being well-handled by the antibiotics, and she has added optiflora and yogurts back to her diet so the drugs shouldn't be too problematical.

She's a little more that 6 weeks past the heart surgery. The site is healing well. Breast bone area still a little tender, but not more than should be. The worst parts for her were all the troubles she had with her left lung. It collapsed twice during recovery from the initial surgery, and once again after we were home. The second time necessitated a second set of chest tubes and, when those failed to do the job, a second surgical procedure. Right after getting home from that, the infection developed.

So we've had our share of stress in the last couple of months. Happily though, Joel is doing beautifully. She's logging time on the treadmill and beginning to cut back on the oxygen. Her energy is up about 150% and she's almost stopped the pain meds. Things are looking so good for her, now.

Thanks for all your prayers and support during these weeks. We really appreciate it! :)

the mired-in-the-muck part - C. Part 3

2006-02-07T09:35:00.000-07:00

Sisters, I'm one sick, sick puppy. I am so in the middle of the addiction I can hardly talk about it...and it is so hard right now to get to the computer. IVs three times a day and work for the shelter and trying to put in some time for my care - I use the word 'trying' in its connotation of failure - as in 'she tried to throw the ball but it never left her hand'.

The thing to say right now is that, while your suggestions are good (maybe even great), I'm in a whole other place about food right now. The best I can say (or maybe the worst I can say) is that it is never out of my mind.

Thanks for being out there....gotta go, again.....
.........................................not screaming today, just crying..

Conglutdemuck, Part 2

2006-02-05T18:04:00.000-07:00

Well, it's SuperBowl Sunday, and the football game is going on in the den. 'We' cheer for the Seahawks in this household, although that is strictly by default. Our REAL team is da BEARS!!!

I am in the studio - with figure skating on. It's the boys, though, and I don't get into them, if you know what I mean...besides, they are blowing off all their plans - making triples into doubles and doubles into falls. Poor babies...

Since I've started this dragon discussion with you...I find that she's on my mind in different ways as a result. I don't want you to have false expectations or ideas. I am in the middle of mental angst, not in the middle of an actual food plan. I'm still mired in the difficulties of trying to satisfy my addiction, while taking care of Joel. You see, I....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
don't know where that was going...I started on Sunday, but just couldn't keep my head together on the subject.

Joel's being an angel. She's not scolding or preaching, just hanging in there as a good model and waiting for me to get it together.

Here's the thing - or one of the things: There is a real feeling of panic about food. And I don't seem to be able to count some of what I eat as actual intake. I know that doesn't make sense, but what I mean is this: if I want chili con queso and chips but I eat an apple, it's as if I didn't eat at all. I still feel the need...
OMG it looks like madness when I type it here !!! :(

I find that I fix a nice meal for us, then I may actually eat twice, because what I've prepared for Joel (the healthy choices) doesn't feed that part of me that is doing all this eating. And if I eat with her, maybe she won't know that I'm doing that 'other' eating.
Of course, I'm telling her most of the time - or some of the time.

I can look back on those parts of my life that I remember and see clearly where this love/hate thing with food has its roots. Every event of significance was celebrated with food. If I skinned my knee a cookie would make it better. Oh, you like the pie, then please have another piece.
All this to be followed by, No, you can't buy that dress; those stripes just make you look fatter. or stick with black, navy, and dark green or brown; you'll look thinner. or if you lose 25 lbs. I'll buy you some new clothes.
I was in my late 40's before I ever owned anything red!

I spent my middle school and high school years believing that I was fat and ugly. You ought to see the actual pictures. Not only was I NOT ugly, I was actually attractive! I don't know how to judge the 'fat' content of those pictures, but they certainly don't show me to be the 5' by 5' monster that I felt myself to be.
So it was 'feel better with food', but 'don't eat it because you're already too fat'.

I never got to the binge & purge thing. But I have a history of hiding food. of fasting then feasting. For years I tried diet after diet without any lasting success. And I came to learn that dieting was not only not working, but downright unhealthy. I decided that I had already been on the last one - no more diets. Just eat sensibly - yeah, right!

So here we are today.
It's been a good day for me so far. Not because any plan is working; just because the day has been busy and there hasn't been time for all the gustatory intrigue.

I appreciate your suggestions. I may get to some of them. With many there is such a sense of 'been there, done that'... The Dahn exercises may prove to be of help...but I can't go there just at the moment.

I haven't adjusted to the IV schedule well, and I seem to be playing catch up with the shelter projects, and spinning my wheels on the taxes...just borderline depressed and VERY tired. I need a lap, and a nap, and a map - in that order.

~
~
~
And the answer will appear when I'm ready for it
.........................................won't it?

I just read this through in preview mode and get the feeling that this post is mostly just rattling my teeth to keep from actually saying anything. I'm going to let it stand, partly because it's the truth as I understand it, and partly because...

My Favorite Pet Dragon - Conglutdemuck

2006-02-04T12:59:00.000-07:00

Well, folks many, many interesting things have been running thru my head (and heart) during these weeks lost in the limbo of hospitals and home care. There will be much work done here in the days and weeks to come.

The biggest, baddest, (and yes, the dear love of my life) is a dragon that comforts me even while she tries to kill me. Her name is Conglutdemuck. I'm beginning to see her in new ways, though we have battled for years - decades...my Mom introduced me to her ... with the best of intentions, of course!

Some of you may remember the first mention of this particular dragon in a previous post.
I'm still mucho afraid of attacking this baby!

During Joel's hospital stay, we got some really clear pictures of the impact of too much weight on our health. (Not that we didn't already know it; it was just so much clearer in some of the procedures Joel had to go thru as a result).
Joel has stepped up beautifully to the truth she was seeing and has lost 35 pounds since mid-December.
(Yes, I know some of that was drug-created weight, and she had no appetite for a couple of weeks....)
But when that woman makes a decision, she brings great strength of will and great followthrough. She is doing a stupendous job of dealing with her food stuff. I, frankly, don't know how she does it! I can only guess that our food habits are rooted in very different things.
Her answer to the issues spotlighted by her heart & surgical problems was/is to completely change her eating habits - I mean COMPLETELY.

My answer to the stresses of the same weeks (different point of view) was to eat - to 'treat' (or more correctly to 'medicate') myself with food. I'd somehow 'earned' it. I was stressed out! I worked hard and didn't sleep well! I needed a BREAK, for crying out loud!!!

My 'stuff' about food is clearly (ouch!) an addiction...and a very active one, at that. If it were alcohol or drugs, I'd be prime candidate for an intervention. As it is, I'm prime candidate for heart problems of my own.
......................ahhh, the maddness...............

(I can't tell you how difficult this is to talk about here. But I guess it's down & dirty time. )

So, I shop carefully and cook great meals for us: quinoa is our new favorite protein. Then I eat the candied cashews in the car or downstairs in the office where Joel can't easily go, yet...

And it feels nasty and shameful and I lose touch with anything remotely resembling self-esteem when I think about how I'm handling myself and this addiction.
I know I can't/won't fully manifest all that I can be until I kill this dragon.
And I go kicking and screaming and crying to the battlefield.

And I Will Go....
..........albeit slowly.........
....................fearfully.................
...........................shamefully..................

After all, I really good at doing things scared and you can't really see me (even though I'm going to let it all hang out).

you won't believe it, but I swear it's true...

2006-02-03T10:21:00.000-07:00

We have been back to Albuquerque to THE FRIGGIN' HOSPITAL AGAIN!!!
A day and a half after we got home the last time, Joel developed a bacterial infection in one of the wound sites. Details will probably NOT follow...just letting you know where I've been AGAIN.
Were told it would be an overnight trip - NO, it was three nights and four days.

We got back home last night and now are doing IV antibiotics every 8 hours.

And now I will have to miss the massage that was scheduled for 1:00 (and for which I have been waiting a long time) because the next IV is at 2:00...and I could just cry.

Later team...thanks for checking up on me.

We're Home, and the race is on.

2006-01-24T07:25:00.000-07:00

We got back to town mid-afternoon on Saturday. I'm happy to report that Joel is MUCH better. Still a small amount of lung left to pop open, but she's progressing and doing everything she was told to do.

The Nest, the new domestic violence shelter I'm involved with, is moving along very well, too. Most of the first floor will be ready for furnishing (and use) as of next week. So my committee is switching to high gear to catch up and locate what we need to furnish the administrative and counseling offices. The remaining downstairs will follow shortly and includes the common areas like kitchen, dining room, crafts/play area, laundry, salon and the first two sleeping rooms.

These will keep me busy with catch-up as well as the normal work, and there is still the house (which I must say, is not at the tip-top of my list!), so please excuse me if I don't get back here quite as often as I'd like.

Thanks for checking up on me!

OH!, I hear there is both video and still photo records of last year's concert, so you may get to take a peek one of these days!

Back soon!
:)

Late Afternoon sun in the Land of Enchantment

2006-01-16T16:51:00.000-07:00

We are still in Albuquerque and will be for a while longer...don't know how much.
Joel is improving slowly and the docs have decided to let her continue doing the work herself: walking, coughing, using her I.S. (a breathing tool whose name I forgot...she sucks on it to increase the capacity of her lungs.)
The other treatment they could try at this point, would have a downside in that she would have to 'get over' the treatment in addition to regular general recovery.
............ahhhthe mysteries of modern medicine......................

The experience of being in the hospital (and home care as well) with someone who is/has been this sick is amazing. When I get a chance to step back and take a longer view (like here in this blog) I realize how easy it is to have tunnel vision; to focus only on Joel; to feel caught up in the drama; to worry and be afraid. It's easy to overextend. It's easy to forget that the experience is not happening just to Joel, but to both of us. I'm getting a really close look at the dragon known as Caretakerous. Whew! Does she have a hold on me!!!! Thank goodness I'm really getting a good look at her.

I'm at the hotel now (left the hospital before 4:00 PM) and will go out to dinner soon...and follow that with an evening alone in the room. I confess that I am really looking forward to it. I think Indian food... I know a great place...or maybe Thai...hmmm.

to all who are holding us in your hearts and wishing us well, THANK YOU!!!! Knowing you are out there makes a big difference.
TTFN
Kate

Quick Note from a Nifty Nuthouse...

2006-01-14T14:35:00.000-07:00

We are still in Albuquerque. Joel is finally getting better but the left lung is still problematic. It just doesn't want to come out and play...
(or Joel has a crush on a cute nurse...:) )

Two procedures so far. A CAT scan this morning may tell the tale; we're just waiting on the doctor's report.

We're holding up fairly well in spite of the stress. And when we step into perspective, we realize that this is NOT cancer, or Alziemers, of AIDS, or any one of many really nasty things that could be going on.

We've made a great new friend of the 'flarpist' Sue, and may work with her further in the future. She even included Joel in a story to be written about Sue for the Albuq paper and a hospital newsletter. Good for our egos and good to spend extra time with Sue.

Back to the hotel for a little sleep...thanks for keeping us in your prayers.
:)

Spammers Make Me Nuts!

2006-01-02T11:37:00.000-07:00

Why would anyone buy a product or service from a company who's practices are so reprehensible!?!?!

I've changed my email address yet again. gr8dame must have been one I used in the past....

Let's hope this new one will stay clean for awile.

Happy New Year!

2006-01-01T13:38:00.000-07:00

We're having our usual holiday: Joel's watching football and I'm watching ice skating. Nice. Quiet. Peaceful. The black-eyed peas are at the ready, this year in the form of a spicy dip.
(old tradition...to ensure prosperity in the New Year...)

We hope your day is going just exactly as you would like.

Joel's a little better each day, thankfully.

I've been catching up on my favorite blogs lately, and have been especially captured by Laura's entry about her New Year's thoughts. Resolutions become a whole new thing with her ideas to contemplate.

The new year seems like the start a something really new to me, too. Even though I'm 58 now, it seems as if I have hit some type of graduation and now get to step up and step out to prove to myself that I have what it takes to make a difference.
...'prove'...that doesn't feel exactly right.

A thought I had last night was another one about surrender. I am really getting into this idea of relaxing into the arms of Spirit - of The Mother.
I'm not sure the exact nature of those names. I can't draw you a picture.
I just know that something holds the world together and draws us toward completion if we can only relax, relinquish the desire to control, and go with the flow ~ surrender.

There will be more coming about this shortly.
Meanwhile,
if you are making some New Year's Resolutions, include one or two about raising the bar for yourself - you are the only one who can do it.

TTFN
:)

Take a Care GIVER to lunch - Today

2005-12-29T12:38:00.000-07:00

If you're ready to learn some things about yourself, look for a care-giving role. And this one isn't even very hard, really. Joel can stand by herself and walk from room to room, etc.

She can't reach all her parts, though; she can't raise the leg support on her recliner; she can't prepare her own meals; she can't shower alone. I would have said that there are some things I just won't do. I don't say that any more. There are not any tasks that are good or bad or gross, or anything. They are just things that must be done, and I signed on to do them when we got married 12 years ago.

The hard part comes in the emotional attachments and in the differences in which we experience the same events. For example, she experiences the physical pain of showering or changing dressings and I experience the feelings of knowing that I inflicted some of the pain. Has to be done...
My head is running all around the thoughts of does it hurt because it hurts or because I'm too rough - and am I unfeeling, angry, just tired?
Talk about dragons...!

And I forget sometimes that even breathing is still difficult, all movement laborious, and some movement just plain impossible.

I battle my impatience a LOT. When I put the leg rest up for the umpteenth time and my back hurts, I forget that she would do it if she could. I just feel a (short-lived) flood of impatience.

Tracking the meds is hard; I couldn't do it at all without a log. Remembering to take temps and changing dressings is hard... not physically, of course; it's just another detail in the huge amount of stuff that I used to take for granted.

Last night about 11:30 the power went off and I was awakened by this awful screaming beep that the oxygen machine emits when it looses power. While I'm glad to know that I can't sleep through an emergency like that, it is still a horrible way to wake up.
It took a few minutes to deal with the dark and remember where the candles are and find the flashlight...AND remember not to place candles too near to Joel and her oxygen. Then switch to the tanks and don't fall over the tubing. And then, what do you do if you run out of backup? (In our case, it's load her up and go to the hospital where there is a generator and plenty of O.) I didn't know that before hand though. I waited about 1/2 hour, then when the power was still off, called the police to find out what my options were.

I think the one single part that makes this all a little worse than it has to be is just the physicality of it all. It's work, plain & simple. And it immediately follows 9 days of bad sleep on a nasty little sleeper/chair with a metel rod and a tilt!

OK,
I feel better, now.
A little whining works wonders. :)

Now, you go find yourself a care-giver and baby-sit her patient for a couple of hours so she can go to lunch with a friend - or get a massage -

Thankfully, I have that. Or I'd just have to do a little more whining, this time with tears.
God, what a wimp I could be.

Today, I'm grateful for

a dear sweet lesband who's not dead and who values &
appreciates everything I do & even lets me complain,
sunshine,
Jennifer & Kay - great home health nurses,
my health,
friends who take me to lunch,
a strong back,
the best massage therapist in the world (I'll be there next
week, Joyce!),
for TV, computers, blogs, and trashy mystery novels...
and, (I have to say it) for an extremely interesting way to
learn more stuff about myself!

and for all of you who listen to me rant, and then offer words of encouragement.
What a wonderful life.

Go...

2005-12-27T11:10:00.000-07:00

to Pure Land Mountain. Read - Explore - much wheat, no chaff

We're Home and Joel's on the Mend!

2005-12-25T15:33:00.000-07:00

Whew!
What a bunch of days.
We didn't get sprung from the hospital until Friday afternoon, and I think that if the weekend hadn't been Christmas, they might have kept her longer!!!

The doctors sent her home on oxygen and insisted on that and on home health services here at the house before they made the final decision to let us come home.

Other than childhood tonsils, this was the first hospital experience for both of us.
I WILL BE WRITING A BOOK.
There are so many things about which we had NO clue!

The first thing for me is that I really didn't realize that this would all be happening to me, too.
And I had to go through it without the benefit of Joel's drugs. What a trip.

Now, I still think this was a great hospital: The Heart Hospital of NM.
They are committed to the patient, specialize in heart health, and recognize (and honor) the value of family to a patient's recovery.

They believe in things like music therapy (Celtic harp and Native flutes), and pet therapy (we met a Rottwieler and a 'something else') and will accommodate any spiritual practice or belief.

This is Sue Hoadley. I'm so happy that she was there. Her music is wonderful on several levels and is most definitely of the healing sort. Visit her on the web here. She has a warm heart and a glowing spirit and was instrumental (sorry, I had to) to our well-being.

It is still a very stressful span of time.
I haven't thought of the right analogy, yet, but it's a little like being thrust into a foreign country and expected to submit to, and cooperate in, things you only partially understand.
For instance, the language sounded familiar - I'm pretty sure it was a version of English - but I didn't understand TONS of it.
I didn't understand the customs or the rituals. I didn't know what was expected of me and what my part in the rituals could/would be.

For example, the doctor said the first recovery goal was to control pain, not chase pain; and that Joel could have pain meds every three hours.
No one said that we had to ASK for them. Many times a nurse asked Joel about her level of pain, but many times the nurse did not, and sometimes we felt chided for not asking soon enough.

And when your baby girl looks like this, it's hard to hear.

I got to stay with her the whole time (except the surgery, of course); they even give you a free meal a day. The cafe in the hospital is very good and incredibly cheap.

Here's where I slept (translate that last word loosely).
It folds out just like a sofa bed and was about as comfortable. But I got to be there ALL the time. Dr. R ran me out when they had to put in a chest tube (the 2nd time her lung collapsed)!
That's a window to outside behind the 'bed' and we had a private bathroom. All the rooms are private, actually, and there are only 55.

This is Joel's "phone home" finger. I forget what this particular hookup was monitoring, but I could always find her in the dark.

And this is a sunset view from the nearest waiting area.

Amazing skies in New Mexico, and a great place to OMGod.

We're home now; there is still a way to go. But the worst is over and I figure I'll feel rested by February.

Thanks for all the prayers, warm thoughts, and white light. I know they helped smooth the way.

If you miss me... & ....More to think about

2005-12-12T16:59:00.000-07:00

A reader left some wise words for me, today, in regard to an earlier post: "To get out of LIMBO - go out on a limb and grab the "O" - wholeness." Thanks, Kristie

But I must come back to it another time.

And just so you know...
....we leave on the 14th, Wednesday, for Albuquerque (for Joel's heart surgery) and I will be away from a computer for about a week - plus or minus.

The hospital makes wonderful accomodations for me to be with her all the time, including actually talking to me, providing a bed, and feeding me...they even call/send someone out to you every 60-90 minutes during the 3-6 hour surgery, so you don't go nuts while waiting. I am VERY impressed with this hospital!

The prospect of 1 week in a hospital room, though, does require some packing pre-thought. I have to have something to do with my hands & my mind!!!! (When I'm not Qigong-ing Joel, of course.)
A little tool-kit is happpening, and also a mini library that will stay in the car but still be accessible. I feel so smart!

I may be here once more before we leave...just don't know.
Also have laundry to do, and some prep for the cat/house sitter.

Thanks to all of you who have expressed concern and

offered your prayers and healing thougths for us.

We really appreciate it.

A New Feature on the blog...

2005-12-12T09:18:00.000-07:00

A "Subscribe" box!

Take a look at the top of the sidebar - over there----->------->------->
You can now subscribe to get an email notice of new posts. I'm trying it out to see what happens.
Let me know what you think.

:)

Integrity

2005-12-11T08:58:00.000-07:00

Integrity - According to Charles Osgood of CBS Sunday Morning , this word is the most looked-up word online (per Merriam Webster).

I find that very very interesting.
Are there many people who don't know how to spell it? It's pretty ease to 'sound it out'.
Do we not know what it means? That would be amazing, and not a little disturbing.

Perhaps the look-uppers are journalists, students, & commentators who find so little of it around in the world today that they...what?
Why are we looking up this word, Integrity?

btw: The meaning of the word is
1 : firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values : INCORRUPTIBILITY
2 : an unimpaired condition : SOUNDNESS
3 : the quality or state of being complete or undivided : COMPLETENESS
synonym see HONESTY

FIRM adherence, not just--well, I'll try...
ESPECIALLY moral or artistic, not just--mediocre, not just like the guy next door...
VALUES--to me, these aren't things that just 'happen' to us. Values require thought and committment and an understanding of who one is, or who one aspires to be.
SOUNDNESS--an incredibly rich word--stable, solid, free from error...

You can see that this is no garden-variety word.

I believe that we didn't (have to) think of it very often in the 'old days'. People of integrity were, perhaps, in the majority. I cite the evidence of the number and kind of things we left unlocked back then: homes, cars, places of worship; and the value of handshakes and promises. I can't remember that integrity was a topic of conversation or concern very often.

These days home security is HUGE business, handshakes & promises have been replaced with legal documents, and police (and their equivalents) and lawyers reign. Integrity, or its lack, is in the news all the time. Politicians, investment specialists, and car salesmen try to convince us they have it while journalists just keep uncovering more and more corruption.

I know of an accountant in New York who is contemplating giving up her professional practice because her clients, more & more, come to her for ways to cut corners, 'fudge' the system, and get away with it. It seems that people don't really recognize that what they are asking is wrong or unethical. And they don't realize that they are asking her to be an accomplice in their unethical schemes.

I just completed an small accounting class with a classmate who asked the most amazing questions and seemed to be unembarrassed by her desire to ...
I don't really know what her desires are.
I know what they sounded like to me, and I would never have spoken those things out loud even if I had thought them.
And I've got to tell you, I want to keep as much of my money away from the tax people as I can. How I go about doing that is very important to me, though.

So what are your thoughts on the subject of integrity?
How long has it been since you considered what you value, and what that means in your life?
Are you satisfied? Do you model integrity? Are you working on your 'wings', or working the system?

Let me hear from you on this one; it's important.

Limbo lessons

2005-12-08T15:29:00.000-07:00

I was in the shower late this morning getting ready for a luncheon. Joel was talking on the phone to a friend in Florida who will be having a partial hysterectomy on Monday. I was composing in my head a little note to put with an ecard. When I got to the part where I was going to say, "...and Joel's surgery will finally happen on Friday (16th)", I simply fell into a little hole of grief.
Yes, I'm pretty sure it was grief, with some parts of fear thrown in.
I flashed on the worst 'what if' and just lost it for a bit, leaning against the shower wall and crying. I can feel it now a little if I let myself go there.

It has nothing to do with what I believe will happen. It has little to do with what I feel 97% of the time in this limbo phase.

It does have a little guilt associated with it, though I'd really rather deny that part.

You see, I'm not a fully evolved angelic picture of perfection, yet. My wings are very short, stubby pin feathers and really only itch me a little instead of fluttering gently to waft the sweet smell of holiness into my nostrils. ...Shit!

And, OK, Laura, I can name these dragons in only four notes...
One, of course, is just a rematch with Controlella. You've met her before. She wants me to believe that I can fix everything if I just exert enough pressure on it. Poor baby, she doesn't realize that she's just thrashing around in her own death throes.

The other dragon is harder to admit to, though not very hard to name: Ferdykel. accent on dy.
She's about fear; both fear of dying/death, and fear of killing. The hand wielding the sword called 'Kill' is strong and the blade is sharp.

You see, I have that amount of knowledge about spiritual matters that (to some) (me) might be called 'a dangerous thing'.
I've looked at 'attraction', manifestation; I understand that I 'create my own reality', that thoughts have energy, 'thoughts produced in mind produce in kind'...and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and and on and on and on and and on and on and on and and on and on and on and ...well,
you get the picture.

So I wonder (and fear) that when I get into a little fear around the outcome of Joel's surgery, am I not giving energy to the very thing that I do NOT want. And will the Universe know that? Or is it all the same as 'OVER' for the universe: is the result written already?

again, I think you get the picture.
I can start spinning in my head like a carousel out of control - when, what do you know! here comes Controlella to help me get a handle on the situation! She's knicked me a time or two lately, too. Then I start making Joel crazy by trying to control (god I hate that word!) what she does.

Now, let me step back just a little, let me get just a slightly different picture of what this battle looks like.
Ooh, that's me in the middle. Controlella is on my left - I turned because my left arm is stronger, but with my right I'm trying to ...(I don't use that word)...I'm defending my backside from Ferdykel.
Damn, blood drops everywhere, and I fear that much of it is mine.

Step back some more...a little more...just a couple more steps...

Oh, I can see from here!

That battle looks funny peculiar from here. From here, I can see that those two dragons are attached to my hips! with little tendrils of sinew connecting them to parts of my brain!
OMG!!!
Laura's RIGHT!

I am the dragons! I am the dragons? .................OMG....................
???
Am I ready to do this? Can I take on ...ME...?

Consciousness!
Damn - it can be a boatload of work!
...
...
...
...
...
There is something else about it though, this 'consciousness' thing.
I'm not sure what it is just yet.
seems to have an element of surrender...is that the word I want?
Surrender
like to the buoyancy of water...
like a babe in the arms of her mother...
like a seeker in the arms of the Mother...

Surrender and ease and exhalation and

More on Love

2005-12-07T07:39:00.000-07:00

I brought up unconditional love a few posts ago and had some very interesting comments.

The conversation has taken off again at the site where it originated. Stop by for some wonderful insights and the opportunity to stretch your own mind and spirit around this topic. Don't miss the comments; there is gold in the unfolding... :)

Laura's promised more to come so stay tuned.

A link to a Treasure

2005-12-06T08:00:00.000-07:00

I apologize for taking so long to put Kristie's link here. She has a very special voice and a warm heart. Visit her soon and often; you'll enjoy her.
I've also placed a link in the sidebar under 'My Faves' so you can find her easily.

I'll be back later... :)

Limbo plus support...plus small tooting horn

2005-12-05T16:07:00.000-07:00

As expected, Joel's surgery has been postponed yet again.
The new date is 15/16 - one day for pre-surgery tests and next day for cutting....

I know all the reasons that it is a good thing. And I can be OK with that.

I found a close-to-home power supply to plug into on demand. Her name is Barbara and she is an Omnicrone if ever there was one. And she loves me. :) ...goes a looonnnng way...

I thought we were just going to do a little energy balancing today so that I would be in a better position to help Joel in recovery, but not so...
I'm not sure exactly what went on in that room this morning, but we hit upon a big grey block that needed a lot of attention. We're going to finish it off tomorrow.

Meanwhile, Joel had some fairly extensive surgical work done in her mouth today, and is flying low on oxydodone right now. The docs want her to take a whole course of antibiotics before coming under the knife again.

So... more limbo.
And this time, I'm better armed, lighter...
and have a chance to get a little more done with some committee work I'm doing...

....and I have a little horn to toot: I was elected to serve on the board of directors of H.E.A.L., Inc., the 501 (C)3 organization that is creating the domestic violence shelter in our county.
It feels like a big honor and I am very proud.
(I'm sure my head will shrink back to normal shortly; they aren't kidding when they say "serve on the board".)

Horn-tooting always reminds me of my grandmother who was occassionally heard to say,
"She who tooteth not her own horn, the same shall not be tooted!"
...............thanks for the smile, MamaLola, I love you still.................... :)

Limbo is a four-letter word

2005-12-04T14:37:00.000-07:00

Well it looks like Joel's surgery will be postponed for a week - the second postponement.
This is not fun.

She has an infection in her mouth that the dentist hasn't (exactly) found. She's been taking antibiotics, but can tell that the infection is still there. She may have to have a 'permanent' bridge removed and some other kind of work done.

The reason that all of this has to come first is that one canNOT undergo heart surgery with infection present in the body. To do so is a sure death sentence.

And that's why we are now living in Limbo - that 4-letter word place.

Joel is frustrated and disappointed.
I'm irritable and frustrated and disappointed.

All the doctors (surgeon, GP, and dentist) agree that this condition didn't happen to her overnight. They mean to reassure us that a little time spent between diagnosis and treatment is not very significant. And a piece of my brain hears them and believes.

But another piece of my brain hears labored breathing after some kind of mild exertion, and thinks/sees blood being pushed against a hole that's too small, then backing up and running over into her lungs. (sorry; I know that's not a pretty picture, but I'm seeing it all the time.)

And she, naturally, is resisting my strong desire to 'mother' her, to keep her almost totally at rest, to not hear the labored breathing...
Needless to say, we disagree on proper activities for her. And I get irritated and short tempered. And she gets irritated and frustrated because I won't shut up and leave her alone.
I do hear that, and I even 'get it'. She's an adult; she's competent; she's been taking care of herself for 65 years.
And I don't want to hear the labored breathing.

Our winter projects include finishing the walls and repainting the two spare rooms and repainting one bathroom. Since her diagnosis, Joel has finished one room and put the Kilz coat on the bathroom - that's in one week. That's patching, plastering, Kilz-Inc, and painting.

So here we are, in limbo...We'll survive it, I'm sure.
But I don't have to like it.
And it's going to go on a little longer...

I'm thrilled to have the room done, to see work going forward on the others.
And I'm guilty for letting her do it.
No, don't tell me...I AM conscious (most of the time). It just needs saying to get it out of my head.

Thanks for listening, for your thoughts; keep 'en coming, please. :)

Here's a small sample of what she's done. The faux painting is terrific...Artwork and drapes to come shortly...

Same room; one with flash, one without

My Mountains

2005-12-01T15:38:00.000-07:00

Bridal Veil Falls - about 30 miles downhill south past the Mescalero Apache Reservation.
This doesn't do it justice, of course.

Sierra Blanca from the mesa, above.

The same Sierra Blanca, last week, from further south, and MUCH closer.

The trail head at Cedar Creek - this summer.

Eagle Creek - also this summer

Go here for some more great photos.
And come visit one day.

Birds and...

2005-12-01T14:43:00.000-07:00

Thanks for the comment Erin. I don't know from whence the little darlings come. I can't find them in my books and they have not returned. I consider that further evidence that they are, indeed, wanderers.

I didn't get great pictures; they were SO skittish. But here is what I got; maybe you will know them.

They came in a huge flock. Size is 6-8 inches... and are predominately very dark. Color shows most accurately in the upper photo.

And here are a few more little darlings who visit my feeders:

These three are (from top) a Junko (not sure if he is 'gray-headed' or 'yellow-eyed'), a Mexican Jay, and an Acorn Woodpecker. It's my first Acorn Wpkr. Cool!

And for a most unusual little bird.............

She must have been in the mood for grains that morning! Do you suppose a massage is next?

Hope you're having a lovely day!
:)

Gratitude

2005-11-27T10:46:00.000-07:00

For the birds outside my office window!

Today it's mostly nut hatches, chickadees and junkos...
but there was a short-lived invasion by a flock of birds I've never seen - very skittish - haven't identified them yet and they haven't been back though I put out more of the rich food they were going for... migrators? maybe. When I'm done with the homework, I'll see if the pictures came out well enough to get a look. :)

..for distracting me from homework, for providing joy,
and for the really funny noise Li'l Bit makes when she watches them

and snow

and the smell of fresh paint.
TTFN

Thanksgiving?

2005-11-26T13:07:00.000-07:00

I linked to this a day or two ago, but I really want it to have a place of its own. I hope you will read it and think about it and let it affect you. Thanks for posting it, Kristie.

Thanks No More: It’s Time for a National Day of Atonement
by Robert Jensen

One indication of moral progress in the United States would be the replacement of Thanksgiving Day and its self-indulgent family feasting with a National Day of Atonement accompanied by a self-reflective collective fasting.

In fact, indigenous people have offered such a model; since 1970 they have marked the fourth Thursday of November as a Day of Mourning in a spiritual/political ceremony on Coles Hill overlooking Plymouth Rock, Massachusetts, one of the early sites of the European invasion of the Americas.

Not only is the thought of such a change in this white-supremacist holiday impossible to imagine, but the very mention of the idea sends most Americans into apoplectic fits -- which speaks volumes about our historical hypocrisy and its relation to the contemporary politics of empire in the United States.That the world’s great powers achieved “greatness” through criminal brutality on a grand scale is not news, of course. That those same societies are reluctant to highlight this history of barbarism also is predictable.

But in the United States, this reluctance to acknowledge our original sin -- the genocide of indigenous people -- is of special importance today. It’s now routine -- even among conservative commentators -- to describe the United States as an empire, so long as everyone understands we are an inherently benevolent one. Because all our history contradicts that claim, history must be twisted and tortured to serve the purposes of the powerful.

One vehicle for taming history is various patriotic holidays, with Thanksgiving at the heart of U.S. myth-building. From an early age, we Americans hear a story about the hearty Pilgrims, whose search for freedom took them from England to Massachusetts. There, aided by the friendly Wampanoag Indians, they survived in a new and harsh environment, leading to a harvest feast in 1621 following the Pilgrims first winter.

Some aspects of the conventional story are true enough. But it’s also true that by 1637 Massachusetts Gov. John Winthrop was proclaiming a thanksgiving for the successful massacre of hundreds of Pequot Indian men, women and children, part of the long and bloody process of opening up additional land to the English invaders. The pattern would repeat itself across the continent until between 95 and 99 percent of American Indians had been exterminated and the rest were left to assimilate into white society or die off on reservations, out of the view of polite society.

Simply put: Thanksgiving is the day when the dominant white culture (and, sadly, most of the rest of the non-white but non-indigenous population) celebrates the beginning of a genocide that was, in fact, blessed by the men we hold up as our heroic founding fathers.The first president, George Washington, in 1783 said he preferred buying Indians’ land rather than driving them off it because that was like driving “wild beasts” from the forest. He compared Indians to wolves, “both being beasts of prey, tho’ they differ in shape.” Thomas Jefferson -- president #3 and author of the Declaration of Independence, which refers to Indians as the “merciless Indian Savages” -- was known to romanticize Indians and their culture, but that didn’t stop him in 1807 from writing to his secretary of war that in a coming conflict with certain tribes, “[W]e shall destroy all of them.”As the genocide was winding down in the early 20th century, Theodore Roosevelt (president #26) defended the expansion of whites across the continent as an inevitable process “due solely to the power of the mighty civilized races which have not lost the fighting instinct, and which by their expansion are gradually bringing peace into the red wastes where the barbarian peoples of the world hold sway.” Roosevelt also once said, “I don’t go so far as to think that the only good Indians are dead Indians, but I believe nine out of ten are, and I shouldn’t like to inquire too closely into the case of the tenth.”

How does a country deal with the fact that some of its most revered historical figures had certain moral values and political views virtually identical to Nazis? Here’s how “respectable” politicians, pundits, and professors play the game:
When invoking a grand and glorious aspect of our past, then history is all-important. We are told how crucial it is for people to know history, and there is much hand wringing about the younger generations’ lack of knowledge about, and respect for, that history. In the United States, we hear constantly about the deep wisdom of the founding fathers, the adventurous spirit of the early explorers, the gritty determination of those who “settled” the country -- and about how crucial it is for children to learn these things.

But when one brings into historical discussions any facts and interpretations that contest the celebratory story and make people uncomfortable -- such as the genocide of indigenous people as the foundational act in the creation of the United States -- suddenly the value of history drops precipitously and one is asked, “Why do you insist on dwelling on the past?”

This is the mark of a well-disciplined intellectual class -- one that can extol the importance of knowing history for contemporary citizenship and, at the same time, argue that we shouldn’t spend too much time thinking about history.This off-and-on engagement with history isn’t of mere academic interest; as the dominant imperial power of the moment, U.S. elites have a clear stake in the contemporary propaganda value of that history. Obscuring bitter truths about historical crimes helps perpetuate the fantasy of American benevolence, which makes it easier to sell contemporary imperial adventures -- such as the invasion and occupation of Iraq -- as another benevolent action.Any attempt to complicate this story guarantees hostility from mainstream culture. After raising the barbarism of America’s much-revered founding fathers in a lecture, I was once accused of trying to “humble our proud nation” and “undermine young people’s faith in our country.”

Yes, of course -- that is exactly what I would hope to achieve. We should practice the virtue of humility and avoid the excessive pride that can, when combined with great power, lead to great abuses of power.

History does matter, which is why people in power put so much energy into controlling it. The United States is hardly the only society that has created such mythology. While some historians in Great Britain continue to talk about the benefits that the empire brought to India, political movements in India want to make the mythology of Hindutva into historical fact. Abuses of history go on in the former empire and the former colony.History can be one of the many ways we create and impose hierarchy, or it can be part of a process of liberation. The truth won’t set us free, but the telling of truth at least opens the possibility of freedom.

As Americans sit down on Thanksgiving Day to gorge themselves on the bounty of empire, many will worry about the expansive effects of overeating on their waistlines. We would be better to think about the constricting effects on the day’s mythology on our minds.

Robert Jensen is a journalism professor at the University of Texas at Austin and a member of the board of the Third Coast Activist Resource Center He is the author of The Heart of Whiteness: Race, Racism, and White Privilege and Citizens of the Empire: The Struggle to Claim Our Humanity (both from City Lights Books).

Kristie's comments: Why a Turkey - Why not Taco's?

Every year I seem to reflect on the same thought especially around Thanksgiving - why do we continually perpetuate myths to keep up our level of emotional comfort, even if it is just keeping us steeped in untruths. How many of us just go along with the program never asking why? The article below I found this morning written by Robert Jensen highlighting the history of Thanksgiving, but in many ways it reflects the dumbing down process of humanity to think for themselves when it comes to everyday existence, and how easy it has been to program people into a set of false beliefs. Traditions in many ways are just ways to condition peoples mind into robotic thinking, thus stopping the process of living in "NOW" time, where perhaps the energy present is more condusive to greater truth.Published on Monday, November 21, 2005 by CommonDreams.org

Some sweet thoughts & pictures for the Heart

2005-11-26T12:36:00.000-07:00

Here are some links to things you might enjoy. I found them at Kristie's blog and had a good time with them.

www.GiveMeTheMasterKey.com
http://www.youarelovemovie.com/
http://www.lightmovie.com/

FYI:
The last two links put you in a loop so that your 'back' button won't work. If you want to come back here, use that tiny little down arrow just to the right of your 'back button'. A little menu will drop down and then you can pick Katethougths again! :)

A Directory of Posts

2005-11-25T15:11:00.000-07:00

I've been wanting to organize this blog site a little and today seemed like a good day to do it. My sorting is a little arbitrary and may change over time. And it's entirely possible that no one will care but me. In any case, here it is.

Adventures I Have Had...or hope to ...
Motorcycle Mama
Ok, I confess...

Damsel
The Distress
Nearing the End
Damsel & the Chariot

Dragons I Have Known - Battled and/or Slain
Exfot Expectations for and about Others
Feebesee Fear of Being Seen
Conglutdemuck Compulsion, gluttony, denial, mired-in-the-muck
Conglutdemuck, Pt. 1: the REAL Introduction
Conglutdemuck, Pt. 2
Conglutdemuck, Pt. 3
Conglutdemuck, Pt. 4
Conglutdemuck, Pt. 5 Partial Sanity's a Bitch
Ferdykel
Idlowen - an introduction
Idlowen and the Now
Partial Sanity's a Bitch

Gratitude
11-23-2005
Birds
Birds and... - the photos
After Joel's hospital stay

Home (NM)
Ready to come home
Home
Aspen Fest Weekend
My Mountains - a photo gallery
The Forest is Closed!
Women Rock!

Joel’s Heart Surgery/Health Matters & What I've Learned
Just Found Out
Exercise
On Aging
Limbo is a Four-Letter Word
Limbo Revisited & horn-tooting
Limbo Lessons
If you miss me & ...
We're Home & Joel's on the Mend
Care-giving
Quick Notes...
Late Afternoon Sun...a reflection
Our Second Homecoming
Our THIRD Homecoming
The Good News

LBGTQ
Hello, and What If?

Love ~ Unconditional & Otherwise
Can We Do It?
More on Love + link

Me~Singing~ONSTAGE!!!
Rushing squared
Last Run-thru
Damn, I'm Good
Dressing Room
Karaoke - well maybe
The Concert Photos
I may never do this again....

Miscellaneous Ruminations
Anger
A Quote on Anger
Law vs Justice
Humor...? OK
Best Friend?
Clearing the air...best f.
Best Friend - Revisiting
Identity Theft Protection
Traffic Deaths - a perspective
Integrity
Surrender, an intro
Computer viruses and Protection

Movin' to Texas
The Decision, Pt. 1 - What's New?
Moving to Texas, Pt. 2
A Catch-up...exploring
We're Baaack! (from the exploring trip)
The Photos I Promised
More on the Move
It's Hard to Come Back (to posting)
Crabby Crustacean
Old & New (Pt. 1)
Old & New (Pt. 2)

Omnicrone
Introduction to
Elderhood different author - worth text
Growing ...older, up...

On the passing of our little cat...
Lament
Shaula's Cats

Photos/funnies/food (some links may disappear with time....sorry)
Bowling, Liquid Sculpture, Carved Pumpkins
Flower Mandalas (refresh your screen)
Kate on the Rocks
Joke
Skillet Cabbage Recipe
Birds at the feeder
My Mountains
Grandma Luge
World Class Juggling! really!!
Feel-Good Moment
Heartwarming Dog Story
"god & Chocolate Ice Cream"
A Distraction

Serendipitous messages from unlikely Buddhas
"Fortune Candy"

Social/Environmental/Political ~ Consciousness & Quandaries
What to Do? a Quandary
Political Anger
Prejudice
Transitory Flights (Katrina)
9/11 Anniversary Thoughts
Katrina (msg. from Interfaith Alliance)
Katrina: So you want to help
Katrina - Perspectives
Katrina - More Perspective
2004 Pres. Election (?)
A Quote
Some News Sources
Thanksgiving?
What is Wrong with this Picture?

Spiritual Matters
on St. Francis' Birthday
Conscious Living
Breakthrough or Breakdown
Transitory Flights/Purpose
Duality
Eye & Heart Candy
God/god/goddess/Nature/Cosmic Mind
"god & chocolate ice cream"
Simplistic & Fundamental
Light Bulb
Enlightenment is Not a Process...

Now, the REAL irony

2005-11-25T09:36:00.000-07:00

A couple of days ago, I treated myself to two Dove chocolate caramels. I didn't realize they put a little message on each wrapper...rather like a little 'fortune candy'.

The first one said
"Be FEARLESS"

The second one said
" Keep the Promises You Make to YOURSELF"

OMG
now my FOOD is talking to me!

I was too scared to eat #3.

Multi-post day? ...or just one big loong one...

2005-11-25T08:58:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Joel and I went to one of the Mescalero Casinos for our turkey dinner and I thought, how ironic that the Indians should be cooking my Thanksgiving Dinner this time.

We ate too much, of course. (hmmm, that 'of course' has got to go.)
I noticed a couple of things: everything on the plates was beige except the green beans, everything was loaded with carbs or covered up with carbs, most (if not all) of it was processed, canned or frozen.

I liked skipping the work. I liked having no mess in my own kitchen. I did miss the turkey sandwich last night...

Today I read Laura's blog and found this post. I hope you'll go read them; much food for thought (sorry :))

Food
Read Dragon. Really BIG dragon. Really BIG and HAIRY and UGLY dragon.
I thought her name was Mom (comfort, nourishment don't you know) but it turns out that her name is
Compulsion. Gluttony. Denial. Mired-in-the-muck.
hmmmmm....................Conglutdemuck. That's it. CONGLUTDEMUCK con-'glut-de-muck meaning one who blinds her victims while seducing them into believing that she is only there to comfort, love and serve.

I've been becoming increasingly aware that something is wrong. for years, actually.
I've felt that I couldn't 'do my work in this body'.
I've figured out that I eat for many reasons none of which have to do with real nourishment.

The fact that I'm writing about her here is evidence (to me) that she is real, powerful, a true dragon - and perhaps the next one for my 'better dead' list.

I also have to say that this one scares me silly. no...that's not right. I'm crying, not laughing!
So much 'stuff' goes with it:
I love my kitchen
I love grocery shopping
I love my knives and my best pans
I love 'comfort' foods
I love recipes, foodtv.com, cooking, sauces!, entertaining, and EATING!

So much has to change. It seems a daunting task. It seems an absolutely necessary task.

It's necessary for my body, my health, and most especially...this dragon must die before I can go much farther along my spiritual path.

This is all I can do right now: just acknowledge her.
Later I'll sharpen the swords - perhaps my best chef's knife...?

A Little pre-Turkey Quickie

2005-11-24T11:39:00.000-07:00

What a day.
I've been catching up on the blogs of some friends (and soul sisters, I think).
I've been thinking of my mom (who made the transition to her next step two years ago yesterday), and of Joel (who will have heart surgery in a couple of weeks),
and of dragons
and denial
and fear

and perspective
and perfection...

We live in a stange world. It's big and distant, and right smack in the middle of our living rooms.
We become involved (or enmeshed) in our own dramas, only to be reminded of the drama in a sister's life...or in the life of a spiritual sister halfway round the world.

Today I am thankful for my sisters:
Joel, Laura, Erin, Jaylen, for all the ones I love
and for all the ones who are harder to love.
Today I am thankful for my brothers:
Jim, Jason, Alan; there are fewer of you because of me...mostly
(that's another post someday)

Today I'm thankful for peanut butter and swords and sweet music and friends and spirit.

Today, I'm also thankful for turkey, and now I'm going to go get some.
I hope you enjoy yours - or it's equivilent.

I'll be back soon.

Just when you think you're going to catch a breath...

2005-11-16T20:21:00.000-07:00

It's 8:30; we've just returned from Albuquerque where we spent the ENTIRE day hanging around doctors' offices for what should have been routine tests. We were there a lot longer than we expected so we got to drive the 3 1/2 hours home mostly in the dark.
That little surprise was offset by the fact of the simply stunning full moon which rose over our left shoulders and then led us through the mountains to home.

Home - I love that word - and the place - and being in it.

We've both been mildly stunned by the news we got today. We are going back to Albuquerque in less than two weeks where Joel will have an angiogram one day to be followed (the very next morning) with mitral valve replacement surgery.

Can't really say much about it yet. Don't really know how I feel.
Joel's first reaction was to head toward panic, but the Dr. talked clearly and frankly to us. I think she believes him. She likes him. It likely to make things much better for her very quickly.

It's just a really BIG deal.
I don't know where I am.

I've come home; put a load of clothes in the washer; and in the morning we head for Austin, TX where I am scheduled for a QiGong workshop.
I don't know for sure if that is perfect timing or the most horrible timing.
Also, it means that while Joel will be in Austin, she won't be at the retreat - so she gets to do 2 1/2 days alone in a hotel (a thing she pretty much hates). After that we'll spend a day or two exploring then head slowly home again...maybe by way of the family farm in the panhandle of TX.

So let's see if I can keep my head on straight (insert gay joke here)
and manage to get a sense of qi, not to mention gong this weekend.

You may not see me here for a few days...let me rephrase that: I will not be posting on the site for at least a week. I hope all of you are well. I know some of you are having your own hard times.
Erin, thanks for your posts. I have read them...they have rich food for thought. I'll be back to them one of these days, soon.

To quote Garrison Keillor:
"Be well, do good works, and keep in touch."

Unconditional Love

2005-11-14T07:47:00.000-07:00

Can we do it? Be it? What is it? What does it really mean?!

A friend of mine is struggling with this concept. She reminds me that I have struggled with this idea for a long time, but never written about it.

I wonder if it is a state to which we humans can aspire. It is certainly a worthy goal. And I believe that many of us can practice unconditional love in the general sense. You know, we ‘hold the people of the world in our hearts and wish them only love’. That’s good.
And that’s a piece of unconditional love.

But what about that in-your-face Aunt Fanny, who belongs to the other political party, hates your live-in girlfriend (and the fact that you have one), smokes like the diesel truck you can’t pass in traffic, eats with her mouth open – and lives next door?

Tough one, huh?
So, how do we get hold of, practice, and model unconditional love toward Aunt Fanny?

And what about your MOM? Not many will say they hate her.
But Moms are really BIG. Talk about in-your-face!
Add to that how vulnerable we are to them. Even the best moms can leave scars.
And there aren’t many ‘best’ moms.

I know one I consider to be a best mom. I could see it through all those years she was rearing her daughter. It shows in her child. Audrey is amazing on many levels, and as a young woman now, she is adding value to the lives of many through the work she has chosen and because of her high ethical standards.
Did her Mom rear her the very best way she knew? Yes.
Does she have any scars? Yes.
Will she, does she deal with them? Yes, because her mom worked on her own scars.

But these two are unique in my 58 years. I’ve never seen another Mother and Daughter who live like these two. Do they love unconditionally? I have no idea.

So what about the tougher cases?
What about the moms who didn’t want any kids in the first place?
What about the moms who wanted their daughter to be a son?
What about…..one could go on forever in this vein, but I think you get the point.

Unconditional love.
Can we do it?
Do you do it?
What does it mean?
Does it come with a cost?
Is it something you do, or something you are?
Can we love unconditionally someone we see every day, with whom we get periodically angry, or sad, or…anything?

Does unconditional love exist outside of all other emotions? Can we love unconditionally that mom who is killing herself by ignoring medical advice?
Does she have a reason? Does a reason matter?

I don’t know.

I’ve wondered many times if I know anything about love at all – any kind of love – for anyone.
I think I do. I think I love several people. Is it unconditional?
I can’t tell. When I’m angry or hurt, do I still love? I think so. Is it unconditional?

I don’t know.

Now and then I've thougth that I love very well. I can usually see another's side. I can put myself in anothers' shoes most of the time. (And more so, and more easily as I grow spiritually.)
But is that love, or just a broad view?

I don't know.

So talk to me of love.
Talk to me of unconditional love.
What does it mean to you? Are you adept?

Let’s talk.

Hey, Erin...

2005-11-10T10:27:00.000-07:00

Check out the translator (bottom of the sidebar) and let me know how well it works. You can type in your own, or cut & paste from the site.... :)

And, thank again for checking up on me...

checking in...

2005-11-10T08:54:00.000-07:00

Good Morning :) Erin, thanks for calling me back...it has been too long.

That's true; and no excuse - just feeling that there is so much to do and not enough time.
I like to give this site some thought and lately I seem to be jumping from one thing to another so fast... and then there is that pesky accounting course. What was I thinking???!!!

So here goes...
I think there is a HUGE and scary - I mean SCARY - dragon lying in wait for me.
I can sense her presence; smell her acrid breath; every now & then I think I see a wisp of smoke. sshhhh...don't let her hear you...she thinks I'm still asleep...ssssshhhhhhhhhh..

Folks, this one may be the grandmother of them all - the Queen D - if you will. I can't even talk about her right now....

So I'm going to talk about something else!

Since the concert I've been pretty busy - well sorta busy - I am retired after all.
I'm enjoying the warm fuzzies I get from volunteering and am finding out that I have a few valuable skills in that arena. I'm working with two groups now and coming to the place where I have to decide where to put my energies. I'm pretty sure that the new domestic violence shelter will win my time. For the present...

The other group competing for my time is a politically active group seeking some major changes. So am I - on many levels. I've only met a few of the core group so far (they are in start-up mode), and I like them, and am impressed by the depth of their concerns and their commitments to challenging the status quo in our (very) conservative little village. I agree with them on SO many points.

Where the differences come up for me is in the nature of their emotional involvement. These people are angry. I'm not.
I bless them for it. My gut tells me that more of us need to do some shouting about the stuff going on in this world (and especially in this country) right now.

But anger in a political arena just doesn't work for me, right now.
I can see much room for mediated intense discussions among thinking people. But what seems to be going on in the world today smacks of the Hatfields and the McCoys. I'm not convinced that all the players are thinking, really, in a discover-the-facts discerning way. Everybody is perfectly willing to "judge"; I see so few walking in another's shoes.
It feels like fighting for the sake of supporting an unexamined set of beliefs.

And I see that one main challenge to accomplishing change is to awaken the masses of humans whose energy is stolen by the daunting tasks of keeping food on the table and roof over heads.

Being socially and politically conscious in today's world takes work. If it's all you can do to drag yourself from an underpaying job, through the chores, and onto the couch for a little TV; you might be catching a 30 min. network news show - but you're not really hearing the news. Real news is terribly elusive these days.

(I can do another whole rant on how any show on TV that is programmed by rating numbers and sells commercial advertising time can not possibly give anyone 'fair & balanced' "news".
Later, I assure you....!)

So, leaving the rest of that discussion for another time, I just say that I can work with this group whenever they are memorializing our military dead, whenever they hold a public function.
I'm just not willing to spend my time being angry along with them. I don't want my name on that list.

So---which list?
The Peace-full list.
The Gather the Women list.
The Spirit-full list.
I want to be a core member in a group(s) designed to hold sacred, loving, peaceful space and that teaches others how to make that happen.

To that end, I'm becoming more and more involved with Tai Chi and QiGong, with meditation, and with developing some retreats for women.

I got to go to a Tai Chi workshop with Grand Master William C.C. Chen (one of my teacher's teachers.) And next week I go to Texas for a QiGong workshop with Ken Cohen.
I love the movement, the quietness in both body and mind, and the seeming paradox around stillness and activity. Additionally QiGong has a strong medical aspect that I appreciate on many levels.

There is a monthly networking lunch shortly hosted by Barbara of High Mesa Healing Center, which will be one of the venues for my new retreats.
So, I've got to cut this short (?) and head to the shower.

If you'd like to give me a hand - then think of what you'd like to see, feel, experience in a 1-2 day weekend retreat and let me know what that looks like. I've got tons of ideas, now I need to know what you want. Can't wait to hear.

It's nice to be back.
More soon.

So you think you know about prejudice...

2005-10-28T09:10:00.000-06:00

Whatever you do - whatever it takes -
Go see CRASH!

A very powerful film. It's on Dish pay-per-view right now.

I'd love to hear your comments once you've seen it.

Dragons still Dropping...

2005-10-25T06:19:00.000-06:00

I did not even hear this one hit the ground.
I only noticed because I'm conscious now. And because Laura provides such a terrific springboard.

And I think that a dragon must be properly buried, with honors, to remain truly dead.

This most recent casualty was a female called Feebesee, otherwise known as Fearofbeingseen.
She was so old that there is no record of her first appearance on the scene. But fairly early on, she began to show up - standing between me and cameras. She caused my hands to come up in front of my face, and made my mouth say coy little things like, 'oh, no-no-no...I don't look good in pictures...don't take one of ME, I don't have my hair combed right-makeup on-..." (You can add your own phrases here...I know some of you have been (are?) on a first name basis with a Feebesee of your own.)

In high school, she got me a D in Speech class because she wouldn't even let me stand in front of the class and try! She preferred an F, but the teacher assigned a demonstration speech.
I hid behind the props, and by the time Feebesee realized I was standing up there, the speech was over!
Ha! Fooled her! (but it wasn't fun and I was still asleep...fear of the F was bigger...)
But it put her guard up and I couldn't get past her again for over three years.

In my freshman year in college (over a year after HS), I got a crush on this really cute grad student in the theater dept. (another whole story) and decided to try out for a play.

Guess what!
With someone else's words in my mouth and a costume and make-up, Feebesee didn't recognize me!!!! What a hoot!
I did theater for years - even made it my 'major' - then went to community theaters when I left school. I had a ball - even won some accolades and an award.
I thought that ol' dragon was dead and gone. (Or would have thought so if I'd been conscious of her presence at all - or been conscious at all...)

Little did I know.
She was still lurking in front of cameras at family gatherings and elsewhere.
She appeared any time I thought I could stand up by myself and open my mouth.

Then I came to Ruidoso. It's a tiny little tourist town with no room for a community theater.
So the years went by.
I missed the limelight.
And more years went by.

My 'real' work - the work on me started here many years ago. And somewhere along the line I got just sick of that revolting, coyness that I could see clearly in other people (mostly women) and recognize in myself.
I just said no to that. (Practice for later.) And I mentally put on different clothes and chose a different script and 'acted' as if I were a friend of cameras. I mean, they weren't MY cameras; I never had to look at the pictures! What a concept.

And the years went by.

Someone suggested I sing with the choir at the Episcopal Church.
So I did. (That, too, is another whole story.) And there was costume, and ritual (different script) and God's voice, so how could I miss...?
That lasted-I don't know-three or four years...
until the liturgy got between me and god and I had to go.

Then more years
and more years......

And then the group interested in doing something about domestic violence. Then Steve and a small dinner party.
And I said yes. to Steve.

And somewhere during preperation for the show I started counting years...
wow...about 33 years since I stood on a stage.
And then it was in costume and makeup and in someone else's voice...woowwww...

And I really wanted this.
And I've grown.
And I'm different.
And I'm conscious.
And I know what NOW is.
And I want no regrets.
And I've got great support.
And I'm conscious, by god!

And I said yes to myself.

And I said NO to Feebesee. and I said her full name: Fear of Being Seen NAKED.

And now she is dead. (insert your favorite requiem here) Bless her heart. Her purpose is fulfilled.

And because she USED to be there and is now dead - and I killed her...
I got to have the experience at the Spencer theater in a way like no other!
The light was brighter, the tea sweeter, the lemon more tart, the dressing room all mine, the transformation more complete, the applause... like Holy Water.

Halleluia
Amen!

I didn't even tell you about the dressing room, yet!

2005-10-24T11:53:00.000-06:00

I say 'dressing room' (singular) because that wonderful marvelous crazy-man Producer Steve assigned me to one of my own! (OK, I technically shared it with someone, but after make-up they never came back to it!) I was NOT in the big room with all the dancers, etc.
(Though, to tell you the truth, I'd have been happy with a bench in the hallway of that wonderful theater.)

It had a sparkling glass counter with drawers and about 20 perfect makeup lights; it had a couch and an extra chair; it had designer pillows and indirect lighting; it had a private bathroom complete with shower!; it had its own door to the cast's patio/atrium; it had fresh towels and shampoo. It had major ambiance.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!It said "STAR" on the door!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OK, it said 'star C' on the door, but I just don't split hairs that finely on a day like this.

I lounged around on my couch sipping on calming tea and fresh organic lemons also provided by Steve. Yes, we all got those. But I'm sure mine were placed with extra care. :)

*************
So, yeah, I'm still rushing.
May never come down.

*
*
*
*
Having quite a time focusing on my accounting homework! Yikes!!

Damn, I'm GOOD!!!!

2005-10-23T11:40:00.000-06:00

It's nearly noon on Sunday and I'm still high as a kite!

We rocked the house last night. In a huge way. They stomped, shouted, clapped and cried. We had grown men crying. What a freakin' RUSH!!

And thanks, Laura, for an excellent lead-in on your own blog today.

I showed some folks a thing or two about me last night that surprised the hell out of them. (A big part of the fun, don't you know!) And I loved it. Really! BIG TIME!! And I wouldn't take back a single instant.

I was 'on', I was prepared, I was confident, and WE ALL KNEW IT!

(I learned a couple of things about myself, too.....get to those in a minute.)

Here's what's what, and how it came about:
I got involved with a group who is trying to address the problem of Domestic Violence in our county by creating a shelter for women. I'm steering a research committee, no very big deal.
Things are going great. The governor is behind us, we have a prof. grant writer on the (newly created) board, we've already received enough (over 1/2 million $) to buy a building and begin plans for rennovation.
With a board created and 501-C3 granted, it came time for the first big fund-raiser.
Board member, Steve 'just happens' to be a show producer with successes for other non-profits. He put this together. I'm not certain how long he has worked on it, but I think it can not possibly be more than 2-3 months. (Amazing in itself)

Every number used music about domestic violence or surviving dv.
He did not plan to leave people unmoved.

He got the Spencer Theater to cut their costs drastically for us. Several of their full-time, santioned, high-dollar tech people DONATED their time and talents to us.
He called on everyone he knew to send him interested performers who are NOT known, generally, to be singers. (He heard me at a small dinner party ad-libbing to a song I'd never heard before, and reading words off of liner notes.)

He talked the local dance studio into staging one number.
He got approvals to use videos from performers like Martina McBride, Stevie Wonder, Big & Rich, Ashanti, etc. He found outstanding Karaoke versions of these songs, and sometimes had to have them professionally transposed. In short, he worked his little butt off!!

And we put on a show!

There was one kid, Hanna, can't be more than about 13-14. She sang Independence Day and set folks back on their heels! She also got the first mid-song response -cheers & applause- and just barreled right on through. It did not throw her a bit; she ate it up and fed it back to them. What a trooper!

I sang harmony with Steve to the Big & Rich song called Holy Water.
Before that dinner party, I had never heard of Big & Rich. And I didn't know Steve could sing. And can he, ever!

I know several things I didn't know before:

Dragon-slaying and its related activities translates to on-stage success, too.
All those years of thrashing around in my 'shit' helped me get a handle on the importance of dreams and fantasies, i.e. don't pass up the chance to live one - EVER!
There really is only Now. When you know it, believe it, and commit to it, there is no room for anything else - no nerves, no fear, no holding back...I will never pass this way again.
I really CAN sing.
I 'clean-up' GOOD. (Can't wait to post the pictures!)
Performance success happens in your head and your heart, first, not in your voice, or your hands, or your feet.
I still remember how to apply make-up! Not a small feat after 12 or so years without.
It does not require Oprah to make your own wildest dreams come true.

You will never know, really, how I feel about my experience last night. What I hope for you is an experience like that of your own.

Say Yes.

Last run-thru

2005-10-22T15:42:00.000-06:00

The last rehearsal is done.
Three hours to 'last call'.
Four hours to 'curtain'.

It's odd for this ol' theatre major to be singing, not reading lines; and it is odd to work in a show this loose. The venue is the Spencer Theatre and one would be hard-pressed to find a better hall anywhere. Check out some of the amazing facts & acts that pertain. To be on the stage here is a huge thrill for me. I'll share some photos when they are done.

Meanwhile, check out this one: ME at the Stage Door! Very, very, very, way-too-cool!

And yes, that IS makeup on my face! That, in itself is a bit of a shocker - first time in over 12 years!

Time is rushing today!

2005-10-22T10:52:00.000-06:00

I wanted to get more in here today...but it will have to be later.

I go to the final rehearsal in a half hour for the benefit concert for our new domestic violence shelter. You should have seen me playing with the makeup yesterday. This from a woman who has worn zero makeup on twelve years!!!

I gotta tell ya -
I'm really pumped about being on stage again.
I had forgotten my favorite lover - a bright spotlight!

To add extra pazazz, in this show I get to SING!
I've had visions of this for eons, and now I'm really doing it. AND I'm in the best staged act of the show.
Don't get me wrong, there are some excellent voices in this concert, and a few who are comfortable on stage. But my act - Steve and me - we're rehearsed. It shows and I'm very happy. Can't wait to tell you all about it.

See you later! :))

Halloween and other cool things

2005-10-11T15:44:00.000-06:00

And here's a couple of photos for Laura:

Here's a bowling game you are going to enjoy...maybe... :)

Here are some of the greatest pumpkins of ALL time! Explore there; he's got lots of pumpkins and you can find links to his other art work.

Here's a great one called Liquid Sculpture that Laura mentioned on one of her blogs. I include it in case some of you missed it there. Be sure to explore here...it will knock your socks off!!!

I'm Not Sure

2005-10-11T15:21:00.000-06:00

I'm not sure I know how to be effectively angry.

I used to hold on to grudges a long time. I think I don't anymore.
I can hold on to my hurt feelings, low self-esteem type stuff.

But anger -
Mine is of the icy type. It doesn't flare, or explode, or burn with a mighty flame.
I think I am better at expressing it. I know I am more immediate about expressing it.
(In the old days, it could take me ages just to figure out that I was angry.)

Sometimes, I've been good about setting boundaries around things that have made me angry.
(I thought I'd written about it and was going to provide a link, but that must have been a coaching call!)

And now, I'm thinking...what am I really angry about this time?

It's two-fold, I'm sure.
There is that part about what she did...
--------"when you do ____ without telling me, I feel ____"

And there is that part that I am just beginning to be aware of.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There aren't any secrets about what I think of that particular action.

It must be that it happens as a totally thoughtless act. One that doesn't include any consideration of me in the equation. Otherwise, I would get some kind of notice that it is about to happen.
We're usually OK with it when notice is given....

So this means, what?

My feelings are not very important.
I am assigned a very low priority.
She doesn't care about me the way she wants me to think she does...

or, perhaps, it is simpler:
she may be basically a thoughtless child who wants what she wants when she wants it, without consideration for another's feelings.
Does a child think that mommy is not important?
No.
A child doesn't think: important/not important.
A child only thinks, I want...

hhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

How often am I the child?
Do I want to be mommy?
No, not really.
Do I play the role?
On, my, yes! Often!

OMG - there are dragons EVERYWHERE!

Oh, boy - New Pictures!

2005-10-08T07:06:00.000-06:00

There are a bunch of beautiful new posts to the Flower Mandala site. (The address is in the sidebar.)
David Bookbinder just keeps knocking my socks off with his amazing photography. :)

The Damsel & the Chariot

2005-10-07T23:56:00.000-06:00

The up-close-and-personal of the last four months is over now.

Our damsel rented a chariot from the u-drive-it Chariot Store. We helped her pack it Wednesday morning (along with two dear strong men), and then watched her head off into the sunset...
ok, it was 1:30...
but we had started about 5:30 and worked hard and it felt like sunset. (In fact, except for showers, I think we didn't move until sunset...)

We had to shoe-horn in the last few pieces, and she decided to leave a small microwave and a chair that needed repair. But you would be VERY impressed if you could see what we were able to cram into that tiny conveyance!

The actual parting went really well; my partner and our damsel were able to give each other a hug and wish each other well.

We've only talked about it a little bit since she's been gone.
Our real work is still ahead. There are some really big lessons in store for us.

It's really nice to be back in our house like the old days. (I like to walk around in my birthday suit, you know?)

Li'l Bit spent several hours checking the rooms to see where the damsel had gone...I think she misses her a little. The damsel was allergic, you see, so they had to do those air-kisses and stuff and couldn't really play together, or enjoy mutual massages like the rest of us get to do. But since the cat speaks English (of a sort) they were able to become friends. In fact, I think the damsel was surprised by how much she came to care about the munchkin.

The damsel's off now on her new adventure. She was able to latch onto an apartment in Chicago even before she left (thanks to a daughter on the scene). Her resume is sterling and her contacts are good, so I expect all will be well on that front shortly. I hope so... the move will take a $ toll...
And her own VA business is slowly growing.
There may be some dragons for her...maybe not. I hope it all goes well.

Fare well, dear damsel.

Hello, darling.
Ready to go to work? Methinks there is a dragon or two lurking for us!
(The first one I see is mine, and is named Controlella) Happy hunting!
:)

Live & Learn

2005-10-07T23:10:00.000-06:00

I can hardly believe that it has taken me so long to learn what everyone else seems to know already about lawyers and our legal system.
I've heard lawyer jokes; I've laughed at lawyer jokes.
But I've only just come to realize that we (I) (we-the-people) are really the butt of all the jokes. And from here, nothing looks funny.

I still thought that our courts were here to settle disputes in a fair and equitable manner.
Silly me.

It is a conspiracy of lawyers banded together against the rest of us. There is a lawyer on both sides and a lawyer in the middle, and they play various games to see which one can come out on top in any given situation. My experience shows me that equity is not the issue.

(And in case you've missed this point: it is usually lawyers, speaking legalese, who put the 'laws' in the books in the first place for the sole purpose of enhancing the drama and making their roles in the game more fun and MUCH more lucrative.)

Their decisions are not even about the laws, per se, but about the interpretation of the law. And heaven help you if your lawyer is not on top of her game that day.

And there is no one to advise you ---- except a lawyer.
There is no form that says, "in this civil matter you will need to prove a & b & c & d."
I tried asking clerks in the courthouse: "What do I need to prove? - I'm sorry; we are not allowed to give legal advise."
I tried asking my lawyer: "In what ways and on which points could we lose this case? Well, I just don't see any way; it is all so clear...!"
Do I even have to have a lawyer? "Since they hired one to handle the appeal (of the case I already won once), then you really should have one, too."

********************************************

All I can say is that this is just one too many disappointments for right now.
I'm way too out-of-balance on this. It's a small matter, really. It shouldn't have me up two hours after I went to bed, crying over this stupid, petty, damned invoice from a less-than- talented lawyer who was distracted from her job by her own life's troubles.

It's just about carpet. And the tenants' dogs who ruined it.
And it didn't occur to my lawyer or to me that we would need to prove the value of the ruined carpet. We proved everything else...
The tenants admitted the damage. There were witnesses to that.
I asked for only 1/2 the value of the new carpet, because the ruined carpet wasn't new. That seemed reasonable to me, to my lawyer.
The judge (I use that term to mean a man who used to be a lawyer & who is now a politician) believed they did it, too, because he awarded $ for the treatment to seal the sub-floor, and $ for the removal of the ruined carpet.
But, because I couldn't put a $ value on the ruined carpet, he decided it was worth 0 $. ZERO.
Not 50% - not 30% - not 20%...zero.
Amazing.

So, I paid roughly $3500 for new carpet in my house.
I won a judgement for $1300: half the carpet, the KILZ, and the removal, minus the deposit.
-Appeal-
I paid $1000 to retain a lawyer.
(I won't go into the drama about her 'retiring' 6 weeks before court date.)
I have a new invoice for $1096.
Wow, by the time this is all done, my carpet will be worth more than $5500.
Amazing.

And you want to know what I know for certain?
If I had $2000-3000 more dollars, I'm certain that I could buy a different verdict. It is simply not about what's right - not about justice. It is all about how the game is played.

Why am I so surprised?
Why am I taking it so personally?!

********************************

Well, thank goodness (?) for blogger and journals and the wee small hours.
I've blown off some steam. I'll be able to sleep...sooner or later...

St. Francis's Birthday

2005-10-04T11:20:00.000-06:00

Blessings on my friend and coach and you-name-it, Laura Young, and for her posting today. I'm borrowing from her for some of my work here... Thanks Laura.

Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
Oh, Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
And it is in dying that we are born into eternal life.
AMEN

It is a beautiful prayer. I've heard/read it before; I believe in its sentiments.
For today, I must edit a version for my own understanding...

Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace;
May I seek to hold a peaceful space in the midst of chaos; don't let me seek to impose it.
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
While understanding that hatred is a human thing and no more wrong in the moment than any other emotion.
where there is injury, pardon;
My job is to let go of guilt where I have injured others and let go of blame where I have been injured; I believe that 'pardon' is within the purview of the Devine. For me (for now) the concept of forgiveness implies a judgement. If I do not judge, do not place blame, there is no need for me to forgive. It smacks of a kind of arrogance I don't understand and am not willing to embrace. Whether I (or another) seeks forgiveness from whatever Holy Source we believe in, is separate and apart.
I do 'get it' that I stand virtually alone in holding this opinion. It is also quite possible that I am totally and completely wrong. I don't mind that; time and Spirit will tell.
where there is doubt, faith;
I've still working on 'faith' and yet I do have it. I believe that all things come to us from a Master Plan (even the painful ones) and that there is light on the other side.
where there is despair, hope;
Only in dispair did I learn the immense value of reaching out to say, "I need...". So here, again, I hold hope-full space and an open heart, and know that this, too, can be part of a devine plan.
where there is darkness, light;
No problem with this...all I can really do is to hold us all in holy, peaceful, calm, hopeful Light.
and where there is sadness, joy.
"Joy comes in the morning." It's for after the walk thru the dark valley. To mention it too soon is to deny the reality of the pain, anger...whatever it is that goes on in the moment.
Oh, Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
All of this is 100% true and right-on-the-money for me. And it is in the 'giving' of these things, that I receive them.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned
I've already discussed my problems with the 'pardoning' thing...

So the learning goes on.
There have been explosions and tears and guilt and sadness

and one day we will all be on the other side of this. We exist in the Light, even when we can see no sign of it.

Thanks to all of you for your encouraging comforting words. :)

The Lost has been Found :)

2005-10-03T09:01:00.000-06:00

A miracle has occurred! another one...
I found an author I have been looking for for years. literally...

I was just looking for the wrong NAME! I was so sure about who wrote Damiano's Lute that it didn't even occur to me to check. Duh!

The author is R. A. Macavoy, NOT M. K. Wren. I've found her at last and found a bonanza. She has written 11 books. I'll have some more in my hands shortly. The title I can recommend today is Tea with the Black Dragon. It's a wonderful fantasy/mystery with carefully drawn characters and a heroine with whom I can really identify. The books I was searching for is a series of four that begins with Damiano and ends with Diamiano's Lute. I can't wait to read them again. and you can bet I'll be checking out the other titles, too.

I didn't get to the woods, but...

2005-10-02T01:51:00.000-06:00

It was a good day. a very good day...

It's AspenFest weekend; our little village celebrates 60 years this fall: our Diamond Anniversary!

The town was full of people. We watched the parade. Every school team, every church, political parties, banks & retail merchants, the Wells Fargo stagecoach, the Amarillo TX Muleskinners, bands, and Shriners.
It was definitely small-town and was very short on music for my tastes, but it's a big deal here and was lots of fun.

We skipped the Chili Cook-off. None of the competition chilies are half as good as Joel's and ...well, that's just not my scene.

We went to the Arts & Crafts show sponsored by the local gymnastics association and tripped out over some wire and glass hangy-down things. Also found the BEST sweet & hot green chili relish. mmm-m-m good!

Shared a good lunch and won $60 bucks on the penny slots!

Not bad at all for a sunny fall day in a gorgeous place in this world. When I got home I sat on the porch and read a good mystery. Home was calm today; people had fun and were content in the moment.

A lovely day...

I didn't get to the woods, but I felt like it. A lovely respite.
I hope you had a peaceful Saturday, too. :)

The Flower Mandalas Project

2005-10-02T01:25:00.000-06:00

You simply must go to The Flower Mandalas Project web log and look at these. They are amazing photos (manipulated) of real flowers.

Ruminations - just not about AGO...

2005-10-01T06:50:00.000-06:00

An interesting comment by a sister blogger, Erin, says
"...stop looking for lessons and get my head back in the game...."

I fell asleep last night thinking about this and wondering. Do I spend so much time in my head that I lose touch with my emotions and my spiritual body?

I don't know.
Joel mentioned that the last big post was humerous in places.
Did I do that for you - for the blog?
There certainly isn't much humor in the house right now.
Some of the tension broke yesterday when all three of us ended up in the same room on two different occassions....
But nothing was funny.

And - maybe -
it's possible to step back to a broader view, and begin to see that things can have a funny side, even while one takes in all (or most) of what is to be learned there.

My MAPP scores say I'm a broad-view sort of girl. And perspective is absolutely something I seek. And empathy - the ability to see with another's eyes, to imagine what it might be like to be in their shoes... - and stay outside and objective.

And facts of situations - curcumstances - events.
If you want to talk to me about your opinion, say, "I think" or "I feel". And this is especially true for me if you want to talk about a person.

I've always liked an image/characterization that I learned years ago in Robert Heinlein fiction: that of the "Sacred Witness".
She/he's a person who sees only what she/he sees, and holds opinions or comments on nothing else. If you ask a Sacred Witness what color that house across the street is, she will say, "It's white on this side." There are no assumptions made about the color of the other sides.

For me, there can be no assumptions made about people: their motives, thoughts, feelings, etc.
(That is NOT to say that I don't sometimes make assumptions...I'm still a human, after all.)

So I don't know for sure if I cut off a piece of myself when I am able to see a broader view. I know the broad view has value. I know that seeing facts, and options, and possibilities, makes me more valuable as a mediator.
I'm certain I will not try to mediate in a matter involving myself and/or my own family.

Just wanted to get this on paper, so I can look at it and maybe hear back from one or two of you.
Where are you with this ... ?

Have a lovely weekend.
My little piece of heaven is celebrating it's 60th year with this AspenFest weekend. The parade starts at 10:00.
See you there! :)