I'm Not Sure
I'm not sure I know how to be effectively angry.
I used to hold on to grudges a long time. I think I don't anymore.
I can hold on to my hurt feelings, low self-esteem type stuff.
But anger -
Mine is of the icy type. It doesn't flare, or explode, or burn with a mighty flame.
I think I am better at expressing it. I know I am more immediate about expressing it.
(In the old days, it could take me ages just to figure out that I was angry.)
Sometimes, I've been good about setting boundaries around things that have made me angry.
(I thought I'd written about it and was going to provide a link, but that must have been a coaching call!)
And now, I'm thinking...what am I really angry about this time?
It's two-fold, I'm sure.
There is that part about what she did...
--------"when you do ____ without telling me, I feel ____"
And there is that part that I am just beginning to be aware of.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There aren't any secrets about what I think of that particular action.
It must be that it happens as a totally thoughtless act. One that doesn't include any consideration of me in the equation. Otherwise, I would get some kind of notice that it is about to happen.
We're usually OK with it when notice is given....
So this means, what?
My feelings are not very important.
I am assigned a very low priority.
She doesn't care about me the way she wants me to think she does...
or, perhaps, it is simpler:
she may be basically a thoughtless child who wants what she wants when she wants it, without consideration for another's feelings.
Does a child think that mommy is not important?
No.
A child doesn't think: important/not important.
A child only thinks, I want...
hhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
How often am I the child?
Do I want to be mommy?
No, not really.
Do I play the role?
On, my, yes! Often!
OMG - there are dragons EVERYWHERE!
posted by Kate Winner @ 3:21 PM
2 comments
2 Comments:
You are reminding me of Don Miguel Ruiz' comment, don't take anything personally, and a line of thought from the David Hawkins book I am reading (Eye of the I) that indicates we all represent different levels of consciousness that kind of butt up against each other. It really does help to look at it that way. It doesn't mean you'll never get angry, but it changes things a bit when you stand further back and perceive the more overriding M.O. of the folks involved. You can say, "oh, this is how I, or they, deal with fear" or "they really weren't even aware of me...wow", like you are doing, and it makes it something to study and digest instead of react against.
I feel like I'm risking sounding too removed, or Stewart Smalley New-Agey sterilzed about it, but I'm not. You do end up uncovering some dragons along the way, and you still have to decide how you want to play out your own hand, and how you want to evolve yourself. Lots of work. It gets easier...or at least it gets easier to pass from smaller dragons to bigger dragons, where the real fights take place. Woo Hoo!!
Yes, I understand what you say here. And there are further implications I'm not thru exploring. Perspective is a HUGE key, though, and one that lets me step back from 'reacting' and more fully into 'proacting'.
And then I DO get to take a 'piercing' look at the next dragon in line.
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