Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Dragons still Dropping...

I did not even hear this one hit the ground.
I only noticed because I'm conscious now. And because Laura provides such a terrific springboard.

And I think that a dragon must be properly buried, with honors, to remain truly dead.

This most recent casualty was a female called Feebesee, otherwise known as Fearofbeingseen.
She was so old that there is no record of her first appearance on the scene. But fairly early on, she began to show up - standing between me and cameras. She caused my hands to come up in front of my face, and made my mouth say coy little things like, 'oh, no-no-no...I don't look good in pictures...don't take one of ME, I don't have my hair combed right-makeup on-..." (You can add your own phrases here...I know some of you have been (are?) on a first name basis with a Feebesee of your own.)

In high school, she got me a D in Speech class because she wouldn't even let me stand in front of the class and try! She preferred an F, but the teacher assigned a demonstration speech.
I hid behind the props, and by the time Feebesee realized I was standing up there, the speech was over!
Ha! Fooled her! (but it wasn't fun and I was still asleep...fear of the F was bigger...)
But it put her guard up and I couldn't get past her again for over three years.

In my freshman year in college (over a year after HS), I got a crush on this really cute grad student in the theater dept. (another whole story) and decided to try out for a play.

Guess what!
With someone else's words in my mouth and a costume and make-up, Feebesee didn't recognize me!!!! What a hoot!
I did theater for years - even made it my 'major' - then went to community theaters when I left school. I had a ball - even won some accolades and an award.
I thought that ol' dragon was dead and gone. (Or would have thought so if I'd been conscious of her presence at all - or been conscious at all...)

Little did I know.
She was still lurking in front of cameras at family gatherings and elsewhere.
She appeared any time I thought I could stand up by myself and open my mouth.

Then I came to Ruidoso. It's a tiny little tourist town with no room for a community theater.
So the years went by.
I missed the limelight.
And more years went by.

My 'real' work - the work on me started here many years ago. And somewhere along the line I got just sick of that revolting, coyness that I could see clearly in other people (mostly women) and recognize in myself.
I just said no to that. (Practice for later.) And I mentally put on different clothes and chose a different script and 'acted' as if I were a friend of cameras. I mean, they weren't MY cameras; I never had to look at the pictures! What a concept.

And the years went by.

Someone suggested I sing with the choir at the Episcopal Church.
So I did. (That, too, is another whole story.) And there was costume, and ritual (different script) and God's voice, so how could I miss...?
That lasted-I don't know-three or four years...
until the liturgy got between me and god and I had to go.

Then more years
and more years......

And then the group interested in doing something about domestic violence. Then Steve and a small dinner party.
And I said yes. to Steve.

And somewhere during preperation for the show I started counting years...
wow...about 33 years since I stood on a stage.
And then it was in costume and makeup and in someone else's voice...woowwww...

And I really wanted this.
And I've grown.
And I'm different.
And I'm conscious.
And I know what NOW is.
And I want no regrets.
And I've got great support.
And I'm conscious, by god!

And I said yes to myself.

And I said NO to Feebesee. and I said her full name: Fear of Being Seen NAKED.

And now she is dead. (insert your favorite requiem here) Bless her heart. Her purpose is fulfilled.

And because she USED to be there and is now dead - and I killed her...
I got to have the experience at the Spencer theater in a way like no other!
The light was brighter, the tea sweeter, the lemon more tart, the dressing room all mine, the transformation more complete, the applause... like Holy Water.



At 7:52 AM, Blogger Terri said...

Hi Kate - Sounds like you are living a dream. I don't know if you would be interested, but if you wanted to continue in this vein, go to http://www.vday.org to be a community organizer for V-Day Campaign and host The Vagina Monologues. Read more about it at http://www.vday.org. Don't know if you have ever been to a showing of TVM, but it is a hoot and really a great cause. Just and FYI for you. **Here's a toast to you and your dragon-slaying self** Cheers!

At 8:15 AM, Blogger Kate Winner said...

I've heard of them, but not seen them. I'll go check it out.

Thanks -
for the kudos and the lead...:)

At 4:12 PM, Blogger Laura Young said...

Ah, yes, yes, yes.
I love learning the dragon names by the way. This is definitely a she dragon. Lay a flower on her grave for me.


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