Limbo lessons

I was in the shower late this morning getting ready for a luncheon. Joel was talking on the phone to a friend in Florida who will be having a partial hysterectomy on Monday. I was composing in my head a little note to put with an ecard. When I got to the part where I was going to say, "...and Joel's surgery will finally happen on Friday (16th)", I simply fell into a little hole of grief.
Yes, I'm pretty sure it was grief, with some parts of fear thrown in.
I flashed on the worst 'what if' and just lost it for a bit, leaning against the shower wall and crying. I can feel it now a little if I let myself go there.

It has nothing to do with what I believe will happen. It has little to do with what I feel 97% of the time in this limbo phase.

It does have a little guilt associated with it, though I'd really rather deny that part.

You see, I'm not a fully evolved angelic picture of perfection, yet. My wings are very short, stubby pin feathers and really only itch me a little instead of fluttering gently to waft the sweet smell of holiness into my nostrils. ...Shit!

And, OK, Laura, I can name these dragons in only four notes...
One, of course, is just a rematch with Controlella. You've met her before. She wants me to believe that I can fix everything if I just exert enough pressure on it. Poor baby, she doesn't realize that she's just thrashing around in her own death throes.

The other dragon is harder to admit to, though not very hard to name: Ferdykel. accent on dy.
She's about fear; both fear of dying/death, and fear of killing. The hand wielding the sword called 'Kill' is strong and the blade is sharp.

You see, I have that amount of knowledge about spiritual matters that (to some) (me) might be called 'a dangerous thing'.
I've looked at 'attraction', manifestation; I understand that I 'create my own reality', that thoughts have energy, 'thoughts produced in mind produce in kind'...and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and and on and on and on and and on and on and on and and on and on and on and ...well,
you get the picture.

So I wonder (and fear) that when I get into a little fear around the outcome of Joel's surgery, am I not giving energy to the very thing that I do NOT want. And will the Universe know that? Or is it all the same as 'OVER' for the universe: is the result written already?

again, I think you get the picture.
I can start spinning in my head like a carousel out of control - when, what do you know! here comes Controlella to help me get a handle on the situation! She's knicked me a time or two lately, too. Then I start making Joel crazy by trying to control (god I hate that word!) what she does.

Now, let me step back just a little, let me get just a slightly different picture of what this battle looks like.
Ooh, that's me in the middle. Controlella is on my left - I turned because my left arm is stronger, but with my right I'm trying to ...(I don't use that word)...I'm defending my backside from Ferdykel.
Damn, blood drops everywhere, and I fear that much of it is mine.

Step back some more...a little more...just a couple more steps...


Oh, I can see from here!

That battle looks funny peculiar from here. From here, I can see that those two dragons are attached to my hips! with little tendrils of sinew connecting them to parts of my brain!
OMG!!!
Laura's RIGHT!

I am the dragons! I am the dragons? .................OMG....................
???
Am I ready to do this? Can I take on ...ME...?

Consciousness!
Damn - it can be a boatload of work!
...
...
...
...
...
There is something else about it though, this 'consciousness' thing.
I'm not sure what it is just yet.
seems to have an element of surrender...is that the word I want?
Surrender
like to the buoyancy of water...
like a babe in the arms of her mother...
like a seeker in the arms of the Mother...

Surrender and ease and exhalation and