Ruminations on AGO and various aspects of Antwatching - Part 1

For context on this post, see the link to the Antwatching Blog in the sidebar...

As my previous posts have noted, something's up for me. I'm in-process, as 'they' say.
Today, I spent a bunch of time starting back at the beginning of Laura's blog entries on Anticipated Grief Observed and now want to pull some of my impressions together here.

I'm not going thru the process of learning how to deal with the imminent death of someone I love very much. I have never had to do that... yet.
My interest in Death at the moment is the sure knowledge that I will be experiencing it one of these days, and a VERY strong desire (almost a compulsion) to do it consciously and as a part of LIVING. It is all the same process, after all; just one step on the trail...kinda like hiking: a hard climb in places and then you crest a hill where the vista opens up before you and just takes your breath away.

I want that for myself. And I want to "be there" in some conscious way for those I love. I want to do a bit of what Laura is doing - teaching - that death is just a step on the journey....
we can fear it or we can embrace it. The point is in the choice...knowing that we have a choice to make, and then making one.

I don't know yet, how all of this will manifest for me. It feels very Omnicronish, and quite possibly a place I will go in retreat and when I am facilitating retreats. Now that would bring some meaning to my life....
wouldn't it?

And so now we come to some of the things I am learning from Laura and from those who 'comment' and link to her... what teachers :)

The first thing that struck me in this re-reading was this line: "You don't know the whole story" She was talking about other people's stories (mostly) in her post.
What really struck ME today, is that we don't even know our own story, really; at least I don't. Everything I know about my own life is filtered through my own perceptions, my own delusions, or thru the filters of those who told me the tales...
my mom's story about why my dad left; my brother's memory about the Christmas gifts; and on and on.

There are the tales I believe to be true about my stepdad; and then there are the things my sister (his daughter) remembers about him. I'm sure that both are true and neither are true.
SO, I don't even really know my own story.

Can I know it?
Does it matter?
Must my 'reality' match yours?
Can my 'reality' match yours?

I say NO, it can't - it won't - there is no need for them to be similar --- in the details.

I have lots of things I want to say here...but I'm finding that there is no way I can do it all in one posting. I will promise this - to myself:
I'll post to this subject at least every other day starting now.
I'll be as honest as I know how to be (that's VERY honest, actually)
and I won't hide from the scary stuff.

Later, then.
Thanks for 'listening' :)