Conglutdemuck, Part 2

Well, it's SuperBowl Sunday, and the football game is going on in the den. 'We' cheer for the Seahawks in this household, although that is strictly by default. Our REAL team is da BEARS!!!

I am in the studio - with figure skating on. It's the boys, though, and I don't get into them, if you know what I mean...besides, they are blowing off all their plans - making triples into doubles and doubles into falls. Poor babies...

Since I've started this dragon discussion with you...I find that she's on my mind in different ways as a result. I don't want you to have false expectations or ideas. I am in the middle of mental angst, not in the middle of an actual food plan. I'm still mired in the difficulties of trying to satisfy my addiction, while taking care of Joel. You see, I....

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don't know where that was going...I started on Sunday, but just couldn't keep my head together on the subject.

Joel's being an angel. She's not scolding or preaching, just hanging in there as a good model and waiting for me to get it together.

Here's the thing - or one of the things: There is a real feeling of panic about food. And I don't seem to be able to count some of what I eat as actual intake. I know that doesn't make sense, but what I mean is this: if I want chili con queso and chips but I eat an apple, it's as if I didn't eat at all. I still feel the need...
OMG it looks like madness when I type it here !!! :(

I find that I fix a nice meal for us, then I may actually eat twice, because what I've prepared for Joel (the healthy choices) doesn't feed that part of me that is doing all this eating. And if I eat with her, maybe she won't know that I'm doing that 'other' eating.
Of course, I'm telling her most of the time - or some of the time.

I can look back on those parts of my life that I remember and see clearly where this love/hate thing with food has its roots. Every event of significance was celebrated with food. If I skinned my knee a cookie would make it better. Oh, you like the pie, then please have another piece.
All this to be followed by, No, you can't buy that dress; those stripes just make you look fatter. or stick with black, navy, and dark green or brown; you'll look thinner. or if you lose 25 lbs. I'll buy you some new clothes.
I was in my late 40's before I ever owned anything red!

I spent my middle school and high school years believing that I was fat and ugly. You ought to see the actual pictures. Not only was I NOT ugly, I was actually attractive! I don't know how to judge the 'fat' content of those pictures, but they certainly don't show me to be the 5' by 5' monster that I felt myself to be.
So it was 'feel better with food', but 'don't eat it because you're already too fat'.

I never got to the binge & purge thing. But I have a history of hiding food. of fasting then feasting. For years I tried diet after diet without any lasting success. And I came to learn that dieting was not only not working, but downright unhealthy. I decided that I had already been on the last one - no more diets. Just eat sensibly - yeah, right!

So here we are today.
It's been a good day for me so far. Not because any plan is working; just because the day has been busy and there hasn't been time for all the gustatory intrigue.

I appreciate your suggestions. I may get to some of them. With many there is such a sense of 'been there, done that'... The Dahn exercises may prove to be of help...but I can't go there just at the moment.

I haven't adjusted to the IV schedule well, and I seem to be playing catch up with the shelter projects, and spinning my wheels on the taxes...just borderline depressed and VERY tired. I need a lap, and a nap, and a map - in that order.

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And the answer will appear when I'm ready for it
.........................................won't it?


I just read this through in preview mode and get the feeling that this post is mostly just rattling my teeth to keep from actually saying anything. I'm going to let it stand, partly because it's the truth as I understand it, and partly because...