My Favorite Pet Dragon - Conglutdemuck

Well, folks many, many interesting things have been running thru my head (and heart) during these weeks lost in the limbo of hospitals and home care. There will be much work done here in the days and weeks to come.

The biggest, baddest, (and yes, the dear love of my life) is a dragon that comforts me even while she tries to kill me. Her name is Conglutdemuck. I'm beginning to see her in new ways, though we have battled for years - decades...my Mom introduced me to her ... with the best of intentions, of course!

Some of you may remember the first mention of this particular dragon in a previous post.
I'm still mucho afraid of attacking this baby!

During Joel's hospital stay, we got some really clear pictures of the impact of too much weight on our health. (Not that we didn't already know it; it was just so much clearer in some of the procedures Joel had to go thru as a result).
Joel has stepped up beautifully to the truth she was seeing and has lost 35 pounds since mid-December.
(Yes, I know some of that was drug-created weight, and she had no appetite for a couple of weeks....)
But when that woman makes a decision, she brings great strength of will and great followthrough. She is doing a stupendous job of dealing with her food stuff. I, frankly, don't know how she does it! I can only guess that our food habits are rooted in very different things.
Her answer to the issues spotlighted by her heart & surgical problems was/is to completely change her eating habits - I mean COMPLETELY.

My answer to the stresses of the same weeks (different point of view) was to eat - to 'treat' (or more correctly to 'medicate') myself with food. I'd somehow 'earned' it. I was stressed out! I worked hard and didn't sleep well! I needed a BREAK, for crying out loud!!!

My 'stuff' about food is clearly (ouch!) an addiction...and a very active one, at that. If it were alcohol or drugs, I'd be prime candidate for an intervention. As it is, I'm prime candidate for heart problems of my own.
......................ahhh, the maddness...............

(I can't tell you how difficult this is to talk about here. But I guess it's down & dirty time. )

So, I shop carefully and cook great meals for us: quinoa is our new favorite protein. Then I eat the candied cashews in the car or downstairs in the office where Joel can't easily go, yet...

And it feels nasty and shameful and I lose touch with anything remotely resembling self-esteem when I think about how I'm handling myself and this addiction.
I know I can't/won't fully manifest all that I can be until I kill this dragon.
And I go kicking and screaming and crying to the battlefield.


And I Will Go....
..........albeit slowly.........
....................fearfully.................
...........................shamefully..................

After all, I really good at doing things scared and you can't really see me (even though I'm going to let it all hang out).