Take a Care GIVER to lunch - Today

If you're ready to learn some things about yourself, look for a care-giving role. And this one isn't even very hard, really. Joel can stand by herself and walk from room to room, etc.

She can't reach all her parts, though; she can't raise the leg support on her recliner; she can't prepare her own meals; she can't shower alone. I would have said that there are some things I just won't do. I don't say that any more. There are not any tasks that are good or bad or gross, or anything. They are just things that must be done, and I signed on to do them when we got married 12 years ago.

The hard part comes in the emotional attachments and in the differences in which we experience the same events. For example, she experiences the physical pain of showering or changing dressings and I experience the feelings of knowing that I inflicted some of the pain. Has to be done...
My head is running all around the thoughts of does it hurt because it hurts or because I'm too rough - and am I unfeeling, angry, just tired?
Talk about dragons...!

And I forget sometimes that even breathing is still difficult, all movement laborious, and some movement just plain impossible.

I battle my impatience a LOT. When I put the leg rest up for the umpteenth time and my back hurts, I forget that she would do it if she could. I just feel a (short-lived) flood of impatience.

Tracking the meds is hard; I couldn't do it at all without a log. Remembering to take temps and changing dressings is hard... not physically, of course; it's just another detail in the huge amount of stuff that I used to take for granted.

Last night about 11:30 the power went off and I was awakened by this awful screaming beep that the oxygen machine emits when it looses power. While I'm glad to know that I can't sleep through an emergency like that, it is still a horrible way to wake up.
It took a few minutes to deal with the dark and remember where the candles are and find the flashlight...AND remember not to place candles too near to Joel and her oxygen. Then switch to the tanks and don't fall over the tubing. And then, what do you do if you run out of backup? (In our case, it's load her up and go to the hospital where there is a generator and plenty of O.) I didn't know that before hand though. I waited about 1/2 hour, then when the power was still off, called the police to find out what my options were.

I think the one single part that makes this all a little worse than it has to be is just the physicality of it all. It's work, plain & simple. And it immediately follows 9 days of bad sleep on a nasty little sleeper/chair with a metel rod and a tilt!

OK,
I feel better, now.
A little whining works wonders. :)

Now, you go find yourself a care-giver and baby-sit her patient for a couple of hours so she can go to lunch with a friend - or get a massage -

Thankfully, I have that. Or I'd just have to do a little more whining, this time with tears.
God, what a wimp I could be.

Today, I'm grateful for

a dear sweet lesband who's not dead and who values &
appreciates everything I do & even lets me complain,

sunshine,

Jennifer & Kay - great home health nurses,

my health,

friends who take me to lunch,

a strong back,

the best massage therapist in the world (I'll be there next
week, Joyce!),

for TV, computers, blogs, and trashy mystery novels...

and, (I have to say it) for an extremely interesting way to
learn more stuff about myself!

and for all of you who listen to me rant, and then offer words of encouragement.
What a wonderful life.

Go...

to Pure Land Mountain. Read - Explore - much wheat, no chaff

We're Home and Joel's on the Mend!

Whew!
What a bunch of days.
We didn't get sprung from the hospital until Friday afternoon, and I think that if the weekend hadn't been Christmas, they might have kept her longer!!!

The doctors sent her home on oxygen and insisted on that and on home health services here at the house before they made the final decision to let us come home.

Other than childhood tonsils, this was the first hospital experience for both of us.
I WILL BE WRITING A BOOK.
There are so many things about which we had NO clue!

The first thing for me is that I really didn't realize that this would all be happening to me, too.
And I had to go through it without the benefit of Joel's drugs. What a trip.

Now, I still think this was a great hospital: The Heart Hospital of NM.
They are committed to the patient, specialize in heart health, and recognize (and honor) the value of family to a patient's recovery.

They believe in things like music therapy (Celtic harp and Native flutes), and pet therapy (we met a Rottwieler and a 'something else') and will accommodate any spiritual practice or belief.

This is Sue Hoadley. I'm so happy that she was there. Her music is wonderful on several levels and is most definitely of the healing sort. Visit her on the web here. She has a warm heart and a glowing spirit and was instrumental (sorry, I had to) to our well-being.

It is still a very stressful span of time.
I haven't thought of the right analogy, yet, but it's a little like being thrust into a foreign country and expected to submit to, and cooperate in, things you only partially understand.
For instance, the language sounded familiar - I'm pretty sure it was a version of English - but I didn't understand TONS of it.
I didn't understand the customs or the rituals. I didn't know what was expected of me and what my part in the rituals could/would be.

For example, the doctor said the first recovery goal was to control pain, not chase pain; and that Joel could have pain meds every three hours.
No one said that we had to ASK for them. Many times a nurse asked Joel about her level of pain, but many times the nurse did not, and sometimes we felt chided for not asking soon enough.

And when your baby girl looks like this, it's hard to hear.






I got to stay with her the whole time (except the surgery, of course); they even give you a free meal a day. The cafe in the hospital is very good and incredibly cheap.

Here's where I slept (translate that last word loosely).
It folds out just like a sofa bed and was about as comfortable. But I got to be there ALL the time. Dr. R ran me out when they had to put in a chest tube (the 2nd time her lung collapsed)!
That's a window to outside behind the 'bed' and we had a private bathroom. All the rooms are private, actually, and there are only 55.









This is Joel's "phone home" finger. I forget what this particular hookup was monitoring, but I could always find her in the dark.


And this is a sunset view from the nearest waiting area.


Amazing skies in New Mexico, and a great place to OMGod.











We're home now; there is still a way to go. But the worst is over and I figure I'll feel rested by February.

Thanks for all the prayers, warm thoughts, and white light. I know they helped smooth the way.

If you miss me... & ....More to think about

A reader left some wise words for me, today, in regard to an earlier post: "To get out of LIMBO - go out on a limb and grab the "O" - wholeness." Thanks, Kristie

But I must come back to it another time.

And just so you know...
....we leave on the 14th, Wednesday, for Albuquerque (for Joel's heart surgery) and I will be away from a computer for about a week - plus or minus.

The hospital makes wonderful accomodations for me to be with her all the time, including actually talking to me, providing a bed, and feeding me...they even call/send someone out to you every 60-90 minutes during the 3-6 hour surgery, so you don't go nuts while waiting. I am VERY impressed with this hospital!

The prospect of 1 week in a hospital room, though, does require some packing pre-thought. I have to have something to do with my hands & my mind!!!! (When I'm not Qigong-ing Joel, of course.)
A little tool-kit is happpening, and also a mini library that will stay in the car but still be accessible. I feel so smart!

I may be here once more before we leave...just don't know.
Also have laundry to do, and some prep for the cat/house sitter.

Thanks to all of you who have expressed concern and

offered your prayers and healing thougths for us.

We really appreciate it.

:)

A New Feature on the blog...

A "Subscribe" box!

Take a look at the top of the sidebar - over there----->------->------->
You can now subscribe to get an email notice of new posts. I'm trying it out to see what happens.
Let me know what you think.

:)

Integrity

Integrity - According to Charles Osgood of CBS Sunday Morning , this word is the most looked-up word online (per Merriam Webster).

I find that very very interesting.
Are there many people who don't know how to spell it? It's pretty ease to 'sound it out'.
Do we not know what it means? That would be amazing, and not a little disturbing.

Perhaps the look-uppers are journalists, students, & commentators who find so little of it around in the world today that they...what?
Why are we looking up this word, Integrity?

btw: The meaning of the word is
1 : firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values : INCORRUPTIBILITY
2 : an unimpaired condition : SOUNDNESS
3 : the quality or state of being complete or undivided : COMPLETENESS
synonym see HONESTY

FIRM adherence, not just--well, I'll try...
ESPECIALLY moral or artistic, not just--mediocre, not just like the guy next door...
VALUES--to me, these aren't things that just 'happen' to us. Values require thought and committment and an understanding of who one is, or who one aspires to be.
SOUNDNESS--an incredibly rich word--stable, solid, free from error...

You can see that this is no garden-variety word.

I believe that we didn't (have to) think of it very often in the 'old days'. People of integrity were, perhaps, in the majority. I cite the evidence of the number and kind of things we left unlocked back then: homes, cars, places of worship; and the value of handshakes and promises. I can't remember that integrity was a topic of conversation or concern very often.

These days home security is HUGE business, handshakes & promises have been replaced with legal documents, and police (and their equivalents) and lawyers reign. Integrity, or its lack, is in the news all the time. Politicians, investment specialists, and car salesmen try to convince us they have it while journalists just keep uncovering more and more corruption.

I know of an accountant in New York who is contemplating giving up her professional practice because her clients, more & more, come to her for ways to cut corners, 'fudge' the system, and get away with it. It seems that people don't really recognize that what they are asking is wrong or unethical. And they don't realize that they are asking her to be an accomplice in their unethical schemes.

I just completed an small accounting class with a classmate who asked the most amazing questions and seemed to be unembarrassed by her desire to ...
I don't really know what her desires are.
I know what they sounded like to me, and I would never have spoken those things out loud even if I had thought them.
And I've got to tell you, I want to keep as much of my money away from the tax people as I can. How I go about doing that is very important to me, though.

So what are your thoughts on the subject of integrity?
How long has it been since you considered what you value, and what that means in your life?
Are you satisfied? Do you model integrity? Are you working on your 'wings', or working the system?

Let me hear from you on this one; it's important.

Limbo lessons

I was in the shower late this morning getting ready for a luncheon. Joel was talking on the phone to a friend in Florida who will be having a partial hysterectomy on Monday. I was composing in my head a little note to put with an ecard. When I got to the part where I was going to say, "...and Joel's surgery will finally happen on Friday (16th)", I simply fell into a little hole of grief.
Yes, I'm pretty sure it was grief, with some parts of fear thrown in.
I flashed on the worst 'what if' and just lost it for a bit, leaning against the shower wall and crying. I can feel it now a little if I let myself go there.

It has nothing to do with what I believe will happen. It has little to do with what I feel 97% of the time in this limbo phase.

It does have a little guilt associated with it, though I'd really rather deny that part.

You see, I'm not a fully evolved angelic picture of perfection, yet. My wings are very short, stubby pin feathers and really only itch me a little instead of fluttering gently to waft the sweet smell of holiness into my nostrils. ...Shit!

And, OK, Laura, I can name these dragons in only four notes...
One, of course, is just a rematch with Controlella. You've met her before. She wants me to believe that I can fix everything if I just exert enough pressure on it. Poor baby, she doesn't realize that she's just thrashing around in her own death throes.

The other dragon is harder to admit to, though not very hard to name: Ferdykel. accent on dy.
She's about fear; both fear of dying/death, and fear of killing. The hand wielding the sword called 'Kill' is strong and the blade is sharp.

You see, I have that amount of knowledge about spiritual matters that (to some) (me) might be called 'a dangerous thing'.
I've looked at 'attraction', manifestation; I understand that I 'create my own reality', that thoughts have energy, 'thoughts produced in mind produce in kind'...and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and and on and on and on and and on and on and on and and on and on and on and ...well,
you get the picture.

So I wonder (and fear) that when I get into a little fear around the outcome of Joel's surgery, am I not giving energy to the very thing that I do NOT want. And will the Universe know that? Or is it all the same as 'OVER' for the universe: is the result written already?

again, I think you get the picture.
I can start spinning in my head like a carousel out of control - when, what do you know! here comes Controlella to help me get a handle on the situation! She's knicked me a time or two lately, too. Then I start making Joel crazy by trying to control (god I hate that word!) what she does.

Now, let me step back just a little, let me get just a slightly different picture of what this battle looks like.
Ooh, that's me in the middle. Controlella is on my left - I turned because my left arm is stronger, but with my right I'm trying to ...(I don't use that word)...I'm defending my backside from Ferdykel.
Damn, blood drops everywhere, and I fear that much of it is mine.

Step back some more...a little more...just a couple more steps...


Oh, I can see from here!

That battle looks funny peculiar from here. From here, I can see that those two dragons are attached to my hips! with little tendrils of sinew connecting them to parts of my brain!
OMG!!!
Laura's RIGHT!

I am the dragons! I am the dragons? .................OMG....................
???
Am I ready to do this? Can I take on ...ME...?

Consciousness!
Damn - it can be a boatload of work!
...
...
...
...
...
There is something else about it though, this 'consciousness' thing.
I'm not sure what it is just yet.
seems to have an element of surrender...is that the word I want?
Surrender
like to the buoyancy of water...
like a babe in the arms of her mother...
like a seeker in the arms of the Mother...

Surrender and ease and exhalation and

More on Love

I brought up unconditional love a few posts ago and had some very interesting comments.

The conversation has taken off again at the site where it originated. Stop by for some wonderful insights and the opportunity to stretch your own mind and spirit around this topic. Don't miss the comments; there is gold in the unfolding... :)

Laura's promised more to come so stay tuned.

A link to a Treasure

I apologize for taking so long to put Kristie's link here. She has a very special voice and a warm heart. Visit her soon and often; you'll enjoy her.
I've also placed a link in the sidebar under 'My Faves' so you can find her easily.

I'll be back later... :)

Limbo plus support...plus small tooting horn

As expected, Joel's surgery has been postponed yet again.
The new date is 15/16 - one day for pre-surgery tests and next day for cutting....

I know all the reasons that it is a good thing. And I can be OK with that.

I found a close-to-home power supply to plug into on demand. Her name is Barbara and she is an Omnicrone if ever there was one. And she loves me. :) ...goes a looonnnng way...

I thought we were just going to do a little energy balancing today so that I would be in a better position to help Joel in recovery, but not so...
I'm not sure exactly what went on in that room this morning, but we hit upon a big grey block that needed a lot of attention. We're going to finish it off tomorrow.

Meanwhile, Joel had some fairly extensive surgical work done in her mouth today, and is flying low on oxydodone right now. The docs want her to take a whole course of antibiotics before coming under the knife again.

So... more limbo.
And this time, I'm better armed, lighter...
and have a chance to get a little more done with some committee work I'm doing...


....and I have a little horn to toot: I was elected to serve on the board of directors of H.E.A.L., Inc., the 501 (C)3 organization that is creating the domestic violence shelter in our county.
It feels like a big honor and I am very proud.
(I'm sure my head will shrink back to normal shortly; they aren't kidding when they say "serve on the board".)

Horn-tooting always reminds me of my grandmother who was occassionally heard to say,
"She who tooteth not her own horn, the same shall not be tooted!"
...............thanks for the smile, MamaLola, I love you still.................... :)

Limbo is a four-letter word

Well it looks like Joel's surgery will be postponed for a week - the second postponement.
This is not fun.

She has an infection in her mouth that the dentist hasn't (exactly) found. She's been taking antibiotics, but can tell that the infection is still there. She may have to have a 'permanent' bridge removed and some other kind of work done.

The reason that all of this has to come first is that one canNOT undergo heart surgery with infection present in the body. To do so is a sure death sentence.

And that's why we are now living in Limbo - that 4-letter word place.

Joel is frustrated and disappointed.
I'm irritable and frustrated and disappointed.

All the doctors (surgeon, GP, and dentist) agree that this condition didn't happen to her overnight. They mean to reassure us that a little time spent between diagnosis and treatment is not very significant. And a piece of my brain hears them and believes.

But another piece of my brain hears labored breathing after some kind of mild exertion, and thinks/sees blood being pushed against a hole that's too small, then backing up and running over into her lungs. (sorry; I know that's not a pretty picture, but I'm seeing it all the time.)

And she, naturally, is resisting my strong desire to 'mother' her, to keep her almost totally at rest, to not hear the labored breathing...
Needless to say, we disagree on proper activities for her. And I get irritated and short tempered. And she gets irritated and frustrated because I won't shut up and leave her alone.
I do hear that, and I even 'get it'. She's an adult; she's competent; she's been taking care of herself for 65 years.
And I don't want to hear the labored breathing.

Our winter projects include finishing the walls and repainting the two spare rooms and repainting one bathroom. Since her diagnosis, Joel has finished one room and put the Kilz coat on the bathroom - that's in one week. That's patching, plastering, Kilz-Inc, and painting.

So here we are, in limbo...We'll survive it, I'm sure.
But I don't have to like it.
And it's going to go on a little longer...

I'm thrilled to have the room done, to see work going forward on the others.
And I'm guilty for letting her do it.
No, don't tell me...I AM conscious (most of the time). It just needs saying to get it out of my head.

Thanks for listening, for your thoughts; keep 'en coming, please. :)


Here's a small sample of what she's done. The faux painting is terrific...Artwork and drapes to come shortly...

Same room; one with flash, one without

My Mountains

Bridal Veil Falls - about 30 miles downhill south past the Mescalero Apache Reservation.
This doesn't do it justice, of course.

Sierra Blanca from the mesa, above.

The same Sierra Blanca, last week, from further south, and MUCH closer.

The trail head at Cedar Creek - this summer.

Eagle Creek - also this summer

Go here for some more great photos.
And come visit one day.

Birds and...

Thanks for the comment Erin. I don't know from whence the little darlings come. I can't find them in my books and they have not returned. I consider that further evidence that they are, indeed, wanderers.

I didn't get great pictures; they were SO skittish. But here is what I got; maybe you will know them.

They came in a huge flock. Size is 6-8 inches... and are predominately very dark. Color shows most accurately in the upper photo.


And here are a few more little darlings who visit my feeders:




These three are (from top) a Junko (not sure if he is 'gray-headed' or 'yellow-eyed'), a Mexican Jay, and an Acorn Woodpecker. It's my first Acorn Wpkr. Cool!




And for a most unusual little bird.............


She must have been in the mood for grains that morning! Do you suppose a massage is next?


Hope you're having a lovely day!
:)