So you think you know about prejudice...

Whatever you do - whatever it takes -
Go see CRASH!

A very powerful film. It's on Dish pay-per-view right now.

I'd love to hear your comments once you've seen it.

Dragons still Dropping...

I did not even hear this one hit the ground.
I only noticed because I'm conscious now. And because Laura provides such a terrific springboard.

And I think that a dragon must be properly buried, with honors, to remain truly dead.

This most recent casualty was a female called Feebesee, otherwise known as Fearofbeingseen.
She was so old that there is no record of her first appearance on the scene. But fairly early on, she began to show up - standing between me and cameras. She caused my hands to come up in front of my face, and made my mouth say coy little things like, 'oh, no-no-no...I don't look good in pictures...don't take one of ME, I don't have my hair combed right-makeup on-..." (You can add your own phrases here...I know some of you have been (are?) on a first name basis with a Feebesee of your own.)

In high school, she got me a D in Speech class because she wouldn't even let me stand in front of the class and try! She preferred an F, but the teacher assigned a demonstration speech.
I hid behind the props, and by the time Feebesee realized I was standing up there, the speech was over!
Ha! Fooled her! (but it wasn't fun and I was still asleep...fear of the F was bigger...)
But it put her guard up and I couldn't get past her again for over three years.

In my freshman year in college (over a year after HS), I got a crush on this really cute grad student in the theater dept. (another whole story) and decided to try out for a play.

Guess what!
With someone else's words in my mouth and a costume and make-up, Feebesee didn't recognize me!!!! What a hoot!
I did theater for years - even made it my 'major' - then went to community theaters when I left school. I had a ball - even won some accolades and an award.
I thought that ol' dragon was dead and gone. (Or would have thought so if I'd been conscious of her presence at all - or been conscious at all...)

Little did I know.
She was still lurking in front of cameras at family gatherings and elsewhere.
She appeared any time I thought I could stand up by myself and open my mouth.

Then I came to Ruidoso. It's a tiny little tourist town with no room for a community theater.
So the years went by.
I missed the limelight.
And more years went by.

My 'real' work - the work on me started here many years ago. And somewhere along the line I got just sick of that revolting, coyness that I could see clearly in other people (mostly women) and recognize in myself.
I just said no to that. (Practice for later.) And I mentally put on different clothes and chose a different script and 'acted' as if I were a friend of cameras. I mean, they weren't MY cameras; I never had to look at the pictures! What a concept.

And the years went by.

Someone suggested I sing with the choir at the Episcopal Church.
So I did. (That, too, is another whole story.) And there was costume, and ritual (different script) and God's voice, so how could I miss...?
That lasted-I don't know-three or four years...
until the liturgy got between me and god and I had to go.

Then more years
and more years......

And then the group interested in doing something about domestic violence. Then Steve and a small dinner party.
And I said yes. to Steve.

And somewhere during preperation for the show I started counting years...
wow...about 33 years since I stood on a stage.
And then it was in costume and makeup and in someone else's voice...woowwww...

And I really wanted this.
And I've grown.
And I'm different.
And I'm conscious.
And I know what NOW is.
And I want no regrets.
And I've got great support.
And I'm conscious, by god!

And I said yes to myself.

And I said NO to Feebesee. and I said her full name: Fear of Being Seen NAKED.

And now she is dead. (insert your favorite requiem here) Bless her heart. Her purpose is fulfilled.

And because she USED to be there and is now dead - and I killed her...
I got to have the experience at the Spencer theater in a way like no other!
The light was brighter, the tea sweeter, the lemon more tart, the dressing room all mine, the transformation more complete, the applause... like Holy Water.

Halleluia
Amen!

I didn't even tell you about the dressing room, yet!

I say 'dressing room' (singular) because that wonderful marvelous crazy-man Producer Steve assigned me to one of my own! (OK, I technically shared it with someone, but after make-up they never came back to it!) I was NOT in the big room with all the dancers, etc.
(Though, to tell you the truth, I'd have been happy with a bench in the hallway of that wonderful theater.)

It had a sparkling glass counter with drawers and about 20 perfect makeup lights; it had a couch and an extra chair; it had designer pillows and indirect lighting; it had a private bathroom complete with shower!; it had its own door to the cast's patio/atrium; it had fresh towels and shampoo. It had major ambiance.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!It said "STAR" on the door!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OK, it said 'star C' on the door, but I just don't split hairs that finely on a day like this.

I lounged around on my couch sipping on calming tea and fresh organic lemons also provided by Steve. Yes, we all got those. But I'm sure mine were placed with extra care. :)

*************
So, yeah, I'm still rushing.
May never come down.

*
*
*
*
Having quite a time focusing on my accounting homework! Yikes!!

Damn, I'm GOOD!!!!

It's nearly noon on Sunday and I'm still high as a kite!

We rocked the house last night. In a huge way. They stomped, shouted, clapped and cried. We had grown men crying. What a freakin' RUSH!!

And thanks, Laura, for an excellent lead-in on your own blog today.

I showed some folks a thing or two about me last night that surprised the hell out of them. (A big part of the fun, don't you know!) And I loved it. Really! BIG TIME!! And I wouldn't take back a single instant.

I was 'on', I was prepared, I was confident, and WE ALL KNEW IT!

(I learned a couple of things about myself, too.....get to those in a minute.)

Here's what's what, and how it came about:
I got involved with a group who is trying to address the problem of Domestic Violence in our county by creating a shelter for women. I'm steering a research committee, no very big deal.
Things are going great. The governor is behind us, we have a prof. grant writer on the (newly created) board, we've already received enough (over 1/2 million $) to buy a building and begin plans for rennovation.
With a board created and 501-C3 granted, it came time for the first big fund-raiser.
Board member, Steve 'just happens' to be a show producer with successes for other non-profits. He put this together. I'm not certain how long he has worked on it, but I think it can not possibly be more than 2-3 months. (Amazing in itself)

Every number used music about domestic violence or surviving dv.
He did not plan to leave people unmoved.

He got the Spencer Theater to cut their costs drastically for us. Several of their full-time, santioned, high-dollar tech people DONATED their time and talents to us.
He called on everyone he knew to send him interested performers who are NOT known, generally, to be singers. (He heard me at a small dinner party ad-libbing to a song I'd never heard before, and reading words off of liner notes.)

He talked the local dance studio into staging one number.
He got approvals to use videos from performers like Martina McBride, Stevie Wonder, Big & Rich, Ashanti, etc. He found outstanding Karaoke versions of these songs, and sometimes had to have them professionally transposed. In short, he worked his little butt off!!

And we put on a show!

There was one kid, Hanna, can't be more than about 13-14. She sang Independence Day and set folks back on their heels! She also got the first mid-song response -cheers & applause- and just barreled right on through. It did not throw her a bit; she ate it up and fed it back to them. What a trooper!

I sang harmony with Steve to the Big & Rich song called Holy Water.
Before that dinner party, I had never heard of Big & Rich. And I didn't know Steve could sing. And can he, ever!

I know several things I didn't know before:

• Dragon-slaying and its related activities translates to on-stage success, too.
• All those years of thrashing around in my 'shit' helped me get a handle on the importance of dreams and fantasies, i.e. don't pass up the chance to live one - EVER!
• There really is only Now. When you know it, believe it, and commit to it, there is no room for anything else - no nerves, no fear, no holding back...I will never pass this way again.
• I really CAN sing.
• I 'clean-up' GOOD. (Can't wait to post the pictures!)
• Performance success happens in your head and your heart, first, not in your voice, or your hands, or your feet.
• I still remember how to apply make-up! Not a small feat after 12 or so years without.
• It does not require Oprah to make your own wildest dreams come true.

You will never know, really, how I feel about my experience last night. What I hope for you is an experience like that of your own.

Say Yes.

Last run-thru

The last rehearsal is done.
Three hours to 'last call'.
Four hours to 'curtain'.

It's odd for this ol' theatre major to be singing, not reading lines; and it is odd to work in a show this loose. The venue is the Spencer Theatre and one would be hard-pressed to find a better hall anywhere. Check out some of the amazing facts & acts that pertain. To be on the stage here is a huge thrill for me. I'll share some photos when they are done.

Meanwhile, check out this one: ME at the Stage Door! Very, very, very, way-too-cool!



And yes, that IS makeup on my face! That, in itself is a bit of a shocker - first time in over 12 years!

Time is rushing today!

I wanted to get more in here today...but it will have to be later.

I go to the final rehearsal in a half hour for the benefit concert for our new domestic violence shelter. You should have seen me playing with the makeup yesterday. This from a woman who has worn zero makeup on twelve years!!!

I gotta tell ya -
I'm really pumped about being on stage again.
I had forgotten my favorite lover - a bright spotlight!

To add extra pazazz, in this show I get to SING!
I've had visions of this for eons, and now I'm really doing it. AND I'm in the best staged act of the show.
Don't get me wrong, there are some excellent voices in this concert, and a few who are comfortable on stage. But my act - Steve and me - we're rehearsed. It shows and I'm very happy. Can't wait to tell you all about it.

See you later! :))

Halloween and other cool things

And here's a couple of photos for Laura:




Here's a bowling game you are going to enjoy...maybe... :)

Here are some of the greatest pumpkins of ALL time! Explore there; he's got lots of pumpkins and you can find links to his other art work.

Here's a great one called Liquid Sculpture that Laura mentioned on one of her blogs. I include it in case some of you missed it there. Be sure to explore here...it will knock your socks off!!!

I'm Not Sure

I'm not sure I know how to be effectively angry.

I used to hold on to grudges a long time. I think I don't anymore.
I can hold on to my hurt feelings, low self-esteem type stuff.

But anger -
Mine is of the icy type. It doesn't flare, or explode, or burn with a mighty flame.
I think I am better at expressing it. I know I am more immediate about expressing it.
(In the old days, it could take me ages just to figure out that I was angry.)

Sometimes, I've been good about setting boundaries around things that have made me angry.
(I thought I'd written about it and was going to provide a link, but that must have been a coaching call!)

And now, I'm thinking...what am I really angry about this time?

It's two-fold, I'm sure.
There is that part about what she did...
--------"when you do ____ without telling me, I feel ____"

And there is that part that I am just beginning to be aware of.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There aren't any secrets about what I think of that particular action.

It must be that it happens as a totally thoughtless act. One that doesn't include any consideration of me in the equation. Otherwise, I would get some kind of notice that it is about to happen.
We're usually OK with it when notice is given....

So this means, what?

My feelings are not very important.
I am assigned a very low priority.
She doesn't care about me the way she wants me to think she does...

or, perhaps, it is simpler:
she may be basically a thoughtless child who wants what she wants when she wants it, without consideration for another's feelings.
Does a child think that mommy is not important?
No.
A child doesn't think: important/not important.
A child only thinks, I want...

hhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

How often am I the child?
Do I want to be mommy?
No, not really.
Do I play the role?
On, my, yes! Often!

OMG - there are dragons EVERYWHERE!

Oh, boy - New Pictures!

There are a bunch of beautiful new posts to the Flower Mandala site. (The address is in the sidebar.)
David Bookbinder just keeps knocking my socks off with his amazing photography. :)

The Damsel & the Chariot

The up-close-and-personal of the last four months is over now.

Our damsel rented a chariot from the u-drive-it Chariot Store. We helped her pack it Wednesday morning (along with two dear strong men), and then watched her head off into the sunset...
ok, it was 1:30...
but we had started about 5:30 and worked hard and it felt like sunset. (In fact, except for showers, I think we didn't move until sunset...)

We had to shoe-horn in the last few pieces, and she decided to leave a small microwave and a chair that needed repair. But you would be VERY impressed if you could see what we were able to cram into that tiny conveyance!

The actual parting went really well; my partner and our damsel were able to give each other a hug and wish each other well.

We've only talked about it a little bit since she's been gone.
Our real work is still ahead. There are some really big lessons in store for us.

It's really nice to be back in our house like the old days. (I like to walk around in my birthday suit, you know?)

Li'l Bit spent several hours checking the rooms to see where the damsel had gone...I think she misses her a little. The damsel was allergic, you see, so they had to do those air-kisses and stuff and couldn't really play together, or enjoy mutual massages like the rest of us get to do. But since the cat speaks English (of a sort) they were able to become friends. In fact, I think the damsel was surprised by how much she came to care about the munchkin.

The damsel's off now on her new adventure. She was able to latch onto an apartment in Chicago even before she left (thanks to a daughter on the scene). Her resume is sterling and her contacts are good, so I expect all will be well on that front shortly. I hope so... the move will take a $ toll...
And her own VA business is slowly growing.
There may be some dragons for her...maybe not. I hope it all goes well.

Fare well, dear damsel.

Hello, darling.
Ready to go to work? Methinks there is a dragon or two lurking for us!
(The first one I see is mine, and is named Controlella) Happy hunting!
:)

Live & Learn

I can hardly believe that it has taken me so long to learn what everyone else seems to know already about lawyers and our legal system.
I've heard lawyer jokes; I've laughed at lawyer jokes.
But I've only just come to realize that we (I) (we-the-people) are really the butt of all the jokes. And from here, nothing looks funny.

I still thought that our courts were here to settle disputes in a fair and equitable manner.
Silly me.

It is a conspiracy of lawyers banded together against the rest of us. There is a lawyer on both sides and a lawyer in the middle, and they play various games to see which one can come out on top in any given situation. My experience shows me that equity is not the issue.

(And in case you've missed this point: it is usually lawyers, speaking legalese, who put the 'laws' in the books in the first place for the sole purpose of enhancing the drama and making their roles in the game more fun and MUCH more lucrative.)

Their decisions are not even about the laws, per se, but about the interpretation of the law. And heaven help you if your lawyer is not on top of her game that day.

And there is no one to advise you ---- except a lawyer.
There is no form that says, "in this civil matter you will need to prove a & b & c & d."
I tried asking clerks in the courthouse: "What do I need to prove? - I'm sorry; we are not allowed to give legal advise."
I tried asking my lawyer: "In what ways and on which points could we lose this case? Well, I just don't see any way; it is all so clear...!"
Do I even have to have a lawyer? "Since they hired one to handle the appeal (of the case I already won once), then you really should have one, too."

********************************************

All I can say is that this is just one too many disappointments for right now.
I'm way too out-of-balance on this. It's a small matter, really. It shouldn't have me up two hours after I went to bed, crying over this stupid, petty, damned invoice from a less-than- talented lawyer who was distracted from her job by her own life's troubles.

It's just about carpet. And the tenants' dogs who ruined it.
And it didn't occur to my lawyer or to me that we would need to prove the value of the ruined carpet. We proved everything else...
The tenants admitted the damage. There were witnesses to that.
I asked for only 1/2 the value of the new carpet, because the ruined carpet wasn't new. That seemed reasonable to me, to my lawyer.
The judge (I use that term to mean a man who used to be a lawyer & who is now a politician) believed they did it, too, because he awarded $ for the treatment to seal the sub-floor, and $ for the removal of the ruined carpet.
But, because I couldn't put a $ value on the ruined carpet, he decided it was worth 0 $. ZERO.
Not 50% - not 30% - not 20%...zero.
Amazing.

So, I paid roughly $3500 for new carpet in my house.
I won a judgement for $1300: half the carpet, the KILZ, and the removal, minus the deposit.
-Appeal-
I paid $1000 to retain a lawyer.
(I won't go into the drama about her 'retiring' 6 weeks before court date.)
I have a new invoice for $1096.
Wow, by the time this is all done, my carpet will be worth more than $5500.
Amazing.

And you want to know what I know for certain?
If I had $2000-3000 more dollars, I'm certain that I could buy a different verdict. It is simply not about what's right - not about justice. It is all about how the game is played.

Why am I so surprised?
Why am I taking it so personally?!

********************************

Well, thank goodness (?) for blogger and journals and the wee small hours.
I've blown off some steam. I'll be able to sleep...sooner or later...

St. Francis's Birthday

Blessings on my friend and coach and you-name-it, Laura Young, and for her posting today. I'm borrowing from her for some of my work here... Thanks Laura.

Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
Oh, Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
And it is in dying that we are born into eternal life.

AMEN

It is a beautiful prayer. I've heard/read it before; I believe in its sentiments.
For today, I must edit a version for my own understanding...

Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace;
May I seek to hold a peaceful space in the midst of chaos; don't let me seek to impose it.
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
While understanding that hatred is a human thing and no more wrong in the moment than any other emotion.
where there is injury, pardon;
My job is to let go of guilt where I have injured others and let go of blame where I have been injured; I believe that 'pardon' is within the purview of the Devine. For me (for now) the concept of forgiveness implies a judgement. If I do not judge, do not place blame, there is no need for me to forgive. It smacks of a kind of arrogance I don't understand and am not willing to embrace. Whether I (or another) seeks forgiveness from whatever Holy Source we believe in, is separate and apart.
I do 'get it' that I stand virtually alone in holding this opinion. It is also quite possible that I am totally and completely wrong. I don't mind that; time and Spirit will tell.
where there is doubt, faith;
I've still working on 'faith' and yet I do have it. I believe that all things come to us from a Master Plan (even the painful ones) and that there is light on the other side.
where there is despair, hope;
Only in dispair did I learn the immense value of reaching out to say, "I need...". So here, again, I hold hope-full space and an open heart, and know that this, too, can be part of a devine plan.
where there is darkness, light;
No problem with this...all I can really do is to hold us all in holy, peaceful, calm, hopeful Light.
and where there is sadness, joy.
"Joy comes in the morning." It's for after the walk thru the dark valley. To mention it too soon is to deny the reality of the pain, anger...whatever it is that goes on in the moment.
Oh, Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
All of this is 100% true and right-on-the-money for me. And it is in the 'giving' of these things, that I receive them.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned
I've already discussed my problems with the 'pardoning' thing...

So the learning goes on.
There have been explosions and tears and guilt and sadness

and one day we will all be on the other side of this. We exist in the Light, even when we can see no sign of it.

Thanks to all of you for your encouraging comforting words. :)

The Lost has been Found :)

A miracle has occurred! another one...
I found an author I have been looking for for years. literally...

I was just looking for the wrong NAME! I was so sure about who wrote Damiano's Lute that it didn't even occur to me to check. Duh!

The author is R. A. Macavoy, NOT M. K. Wren. I've found her at last and found a bonanza. She has written 11 books. I'll have some more in my hands shortly. The title I can recommend today is Tea with the Black Dragon. It's a wonderful fantasy/mystery with carefully drawn characters and a heroine with whom I can really identify. The books I was searching for is a series of four that begins with Damiano and ends with Diamiano's Lute. I can't wait to read them again. and you can bet I'll be checking out the other titles, too.

I didn't get to the woods, but...

It was a good day. a very good day...

It's AspenFest weekend; our little village celebrates 60 years this fall: our Diamond Anniversary!

The town was full of people. We watched the parade. Every school team, every church, political parties, banks & retail merchants, the Wells Fargo stagecoach, the Amarillo TX Muleskinners, bands, and Shriners.
It was definitely small-town and was very short on music for my tastes, but it's a big deal here and was lots of fun.

We skipped the Chili Cook-off. None of the competition chilies are half as good as Joel's and ...well, that's just not my scene.

We went to the Arts & Crafts show sponsored by the local gymnastics association and tripped out over some wire and glass hangy-down things. Also found the BEST sweet & hot green chili relish. mmm-m-m good!

Shared a good lunch and won $60 bucks on the penny slots!

Not bad at all for a sunny fall day in a gorgeous place in this world. When I got home I sat on the porch and read a good mystery. Home was calm today; people had fun and were content in the moment.

A lovely day...

I didn't get to the woods, but I felt like it. A lovely respite.
I hope you had a peaceful Saturday, too. :)

The Flower Mandalas Project

You simply must go to The Flower Mandalas Project web log and look at these. They are amazing photos (manipulated) of real flowers.

Ruminations - just not about AGO...

An interesting comment by a sister blogger, Erin, says
"...stop looking for lessons and get my head back in the game...."

I fell asleep last night thinking about this and wondering. Do I spend so much time in my head that I lose touch with my emotions and my spiritual body?

I don't know.
Joel mentioned that the last big post was humerous in places.
Did I do that for you - for the blog?
There certainly isn't much humor in the house right now.
Some of the tension broke yesterday when all three of us ended up in the same room on two different occassions....
But nothing was funny.

And - maybe -
it's possible to step back to a broader view, and begin to see that things can have a funny side, even while one takes in all (or most) of what is to be learned there.

My MAPP scores say I'm a broad-view sort of girl. And perspective is absolutely something I seek. And empathy - the ability to see with another's eyes, to imagine what it might be like to be in their shoes... - and stay outside and objective.

And facts of situations - curcumstances - events.
If you want to talk to me about your opinion, say, "I think" or "I feel". And this is especially true for me if you want to talk about a person.

I've always liked an image/characterization that I learned years ago in Robert Heinlein fiction: that of the "Sacred Witness".
She/he's a person who sees only what she/he sees, and holds opinions or comments on nothing else. If you ask a Sacred Witness what color that house across the street is, she will say, "It's white on this side." There are no assumptions made about the color of the other sides.

For me, there can be no assumptions made about people: their motives, thoughts, feelings, etc.
(That is NOT to say that I don't sometimes make assumptions...I'm still a human, after all.)

So I don't know for sure if I cut off a piece of myself when I am able to see a broader view. I know the broad view has value. I know that seeing facts, and options, and possibilities, makes me more valuable as a mediator.
I'm certain I will not try to mediate in a matter involving myself and/or my own family.

Just wanted to get this on paper, so I can look at it and maybe hear back from one or two of you.
Where are you with this ... ?

Have a lovely weekend.
My little piece of heaven is celebrating it's 60th year with this AspenFest weekend. The parade starts at 10:00.
See you there! :)